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Buddyhead's Best And Worst Of 2005 - Keyser Soze - 03-14-2006
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Highlights....
Best Albums :
Neil Diamond
12 Songs
After another sold out tour where Neil ended every night by stacking moms in his hotel room, he decided that this time while he’s off the road, he’d make a record instead of hanging out in Vegas in a gold sequined jumpsuit, touching more pussies than branches you have on your family tree. So he hooks up with the world’s fattest vegan, Rick Rubin, and they rent a house in the hills where some 70’s hippie orgy that went murderously wrong took place. They light candles, smoke pot, listen to the reels of “Reign In Blood” at deafening volumes while Neil plays “air bass” and Rubin watches while he puts away 8 gallons of Tofutti, grow shitty beards, eat straw and tree bark, and avoid showering at all costs. Ultimately they end up with a killer record that brings Neil “back to his roots”. Don’t worry though, he’s not selling out the scene. He’s still gonna pork moms and feather his hair.
Gang Of Four
Return The Gift
This sounds like a really bad idea… an old band re-recording their older songs to re-release as a “new” album… but Gang Of Four beat the odds and delivered one of the most exciting records this year. It’s a lot like when you run into an old girlfriend you haven’t seen in years, but unlike all the other dickpigs who got fat and gnar-gnar and turned into housewife soccer moms, this one got some plastic surgery, works out, and dresses even better than she did before, and now yer all up on her shit again… pulling out all the old photos, calling her and hanging up, and remembering all the good ol’ times. So sometimes your favorite new thing is the old thing just spruced up a bit. Oh, did we mention every copy of this record comes with a real American one-dollar bill? Serious! We bought rolling papers with ours… thanks mates.
The Rolling Stones
A Bigger Bang
If this album had come out by a young, scruffy, hip looking bunch of kids, the music press would have tripped over their own boners to get them on the cover of their magazine first. But coming from The Stones, it was largely panned as not being worthy enough to stand by their older classics by the same journalists who get sweaty palms every time that bubble-butt from My Chemical Romance flashes his horse gums. Come on, give these geezers a break! They’ve been GOING OFF for DECADES, and have touched more pussies than the world’s longest working gynecologist! They win!
Worst Albums :
Coheed & Cambria
Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV, Volume One: From Fear Through The Eyes of Madness
This band stinks of lame more than a shits’ dying breath. Ok… Truth be told, I haven’t heard this album. I simply CAN’T!!! Why?! Well, after hearing their new single, while staring in disbelief like a hypnotized mental patient at the video (which shows the singer’s clown wig of a hair-don’t on purpose), I discovered they have the most pretentious… No wait, preposterous, album title ever created, “Good Apollo, I’m Burning Star IV, Volume 1: From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness”. Do you fucking believe it??? No really, that’s it. These guys like comic books and role-playing games. Do we need to explain any further? It’s as if this band has absolutely no understanding of the honesty, originality, groove, personality, luxury, obligation, empathy, and sexuality that is rock n’ roll. Yet, they possess an almost idiot savant like grasp of a guaranteed lifetime of virginity. This tuneless, vacuous concept music is as useful as a video diary of the band members braiding dickheads. Imagine, all the longwinded musical douche drinking of the band Yes, minus the musicianship, the message of love, and the excuse of being British. We strongly suggest you take our advice on this one and immediately, perpetually ignore these fuckbags, until they dry up like the turds they are, and blow away in the fart wind of their retarded imaginations.
Avenged Sevenfold
City Of Evil
Music can be an ugly thing kids. In this band’s case, it’s so vile and disgusting that it’s on par with animal rape, and finger-banging your Aunt Marcy’s poopshoot. In 2005 we saw the rise of a band that makes those same vile things seem… well, not so bad. Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, we'd like to introduce to you, the Limp Bizkit of the screamo/metal-core/Warped Tour world… Avenged Sevenfold!!! In the 80's, if you liked “metal” you had to choose a side. You were either down with the heavy shit like Slayer and Metallica, or you inhaled dicks while wearing spandex and listening to Poison and Winger. These dudes are the Poison of 2005, but without all the record sales and arenas full of people. 110% cheeseball posers with choreographed rock moves, ridiculous “spooky” stage names, fake ass strippers (even though the dipshit jock pseudo-goth singer’s girlfriend is their tour manager. Yeah bro, that’s about as rock n’ roll as bringing your sister on tour you ass pro. How are your “bros” gonna fuck the 14-year-old Warped Tour cum-pits that you dudes inebriate and wrestle onto your bus with your coat-rack around? Haven’t you ever heard the expression “Don’t bring sand to the beach”?), smoke machines and poser lights at outdoor concerts, vintage cowboy/biker/truckstop clothes, and shitty makeup via the same cocksmoke manager that brought us Disturbed. Thanks but no thanks. Did we mention these dudes think “St. Anger” is a “killer” Metallica record, and that the bass player gets drunk and sucks off the guitarist, or are those just “tour secrets”? Ooops. Seriously, if you like this fucking band you should seek therapy and check out this thing called sexual activity. It rules.
Fall Out Boy
From Under the Cork Tree
Recently, we were involved in a conversation regarding the extent of our hatred towards this band, as well as the vast hordes of other faceless, interchangeable, cutesy G-Rated mall punk bands littering the earth, and a friend of ours who happens to be deaf was nearby. As the conversation continued, our deaf friend eventually stopped us to quench his curiosity. He was baffled at how we could possibly be so repulsed by the sound of something. He simply could not comprehend how music could cause us to physically feel bad. After much thought, a few days later we returned to our friend with a picture that we felt best simulated the same knee jerk reaction that with just a quick glance, we also experienced by hearing Fall Out Boy even for a few seconds. <a href="http://www.buddyhead.com/music/bestof2005/images/gay.jpg">This</a> was that picture.
- GonzoStyle - 03-14-2006
best of 1975, wtf! the stones and neil diamond, broaden your mind maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
- HollywoodJewMoses - 03-14-2006
two of those albums marked as worst are albums that i enjoy immensely.
- Goatweed - 03-14-2006
he's entitled to his warped opinion.
- Keyser Soze - 03-14-2006
i enjoyed the she wants revenge album but i thought his review of it was hysterical.
- Keyser Soze - 03-14-2006
what two albums did matthew like that he had as worst of?
- HedCold - 03-14-2006
i liked the coheed album
i liked more albums on the worst of 2004 list though, the coheed one was the only one i liked on this one
- Keyser Soze - 03-14-2006
josh homme of QOTSA and Eagles Of Death Metal was one of the reviewers.
- release the bats - 03-15-2006
the only awesome album listed in either list is gang of four.