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+--- Thread: Gonzo's Sick Rant Of The Week: - Put The FUN Back in Funeral. (/showthread.php?tid=6942)
- GonzoStyle - 07-24-2003
THE SURGEON GONZO'S WARNING:
Time for another timeless sick rant by THE GonzoStyle!!! This rant is both serious and fucked up in nature. It's about my hatred for funeral's.
I have never been to a funeral which was uninhabited by sad people; no drunken celebrations, no grave dancing, no spitting and cursing at the deceased.
Then again, maybe I was never invited to the right funeral. But i am not invited to any more funerals or family gatherings but we will get to why in a second.
Why do we cry, get angry at God (Or whatever you choose to worship) or back away from the coffin when it is our turn to view our dearly departed? why the Hell do people say idiotic things such as: "He / she looks good," or "Only the good die young," or, my personal favorite, "At least he / she died comfortably".
To these people I must say: "No he / she doesn’t look good because he / she is dead," or "Death does not discriminate with age; we all die" or, my personal favorite, "When was the last time you died and how comfortable were you?"
Now at my aunt sally's wake there she laid in her coffin and i was sitting by the podium and he husband said a few words. He said how great she was yadda yadda. Now aunt sally was an attractive woman but she was a cunt who deserved to die a terrible death which unfortunatly she didnt. But how do you sum up this whores life in 3 minutes? You can't. Now i have to sit through this shit and hear him talk about how good a mother she was yeah when the bitch wasn't sucking off every guy she could find for a pack of lucky strikes or a whiskey sour.
So i had to get up and call her husband frank a lying sack of shit and that he should be glad the bitch was dead. I said hell i wish i could bring her back so i could kill the bitch again. Now needless to say none of the mourners took kindly to what i said. I was esorted to the waiting room. But i got my revenge after everyone cleared out i opened up her coffin and smacked the shit out of her.
But while i was smacking her i noticed her body was warm. I figured hey what is the best way to show your sorry but to sexually abuse a corpse? Plus how would she say no? But i was smart i closed the lid of the coffin and i spooned up behind her and fucked the shit out of her.
That is how we should celebrate and remember people. Gang bang the corpse, what better way to say that final goodbye to grandma?
I’m sure you have already sensed my incredible loathing for the cathartic spectacle which we call "The Funeral Procession". I believe the most disgraceful thing you can do to a person is belittle them in any way. That is why I hate funerals. I say rent a warehouse and hold a massive orgy like the romans did.
Which brings me back to my original point. People cry, get angry, curse and become emotional vegetables because they are selfish. That’s right, SELFISH. I can’t believe the audacity of someone saying "Why did he leave me?" or "How could she do this to me?". To you? what makes you so special? If you are that upset then kill yourself and get the fuck out of my way.
They died. Period. End of life.
There was no evil plot to despoil your great dreams of the future, no punishment dealt by the Gods, nor was it an act of revenge perpetrated to make your little life living Hell. You don’t see the families of the philpino kids in my basement when i accidentaly break their necks while ramming their little mouths
With that little nugget in mind, it seems there are two options for mankind to take into consideration: Either worry about your eventual death, fearing everyone and everything that may lurk around corners of dark city streets, or live your life to the fullest extent, celebrating all the thrills and chills this world presents you on a daily basis. Gangbang the corpse while its warm rape your neighbor and wait outside a school with hershy kisses laced with roofies and pick up some 1st graders
So the next time you are invited to a funeral viewing, wear a condom and a clown outfit. have fun be merry and fuck that dead bitch in the ass.
- Velociti - 07-24-2003
5 times!
- Kid Afrika - 07-24-2003
Don't encourage him. Stories like this were the origin of the eggplant conspiracy.
- GonzoStyle - 07-24-2003
That's my grand finale!!!
- The Sleeper - 07-24-2003
GONZO YOU SICK F!!! I ALMOST BLEW CHUNKS READING THAT!!! BRAVO YOU TWISTED C SUCKER!!