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+--- Thread: How to sexually gratify a woman (/showthread.php?tid=930)
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- Sephiroth - 03-26-2002
HOW TO SEXUALLY GRATIFY A WOMAN
Let me preface this by saying I am no expert in this field, but I see a definite need for some preemptive advice on this before we see a thread asking "What do I do when my thing sticks up and she is crying in the corner?". So I figured I would round up my posse and head this one off at the pass.
Here come the step by step instructions. If you find that your female companion reacts in a negative manner to one of these steps, then please, in the future skip past it.
STEP ONE: THE BIGGEST EROGENOUS ZONE IS THE BRAIN
Stimulate your woman mentally first, whisper sweet nothings in her ear, your breath hot against her neck. I prefer to recite Lincoln's half of the Lincoln/Douglas debate while doing my best impression of what I think Abraham Lincoln would sound like. Sort of a nasal voice, but deeper than my normal voice, in a hushed tone as Lincoln was known to be in a constant state of arousal.
If you're not a fan of old political debates, try discussing Super String Theory, they don't call it sympathetic vibration for nothing.
STEP TWO: PULL BACK THE CURTAINS
It's time to begin removing clothes, yours and hers. Oftentimes this is a clumsy and fumbling affair, particularly when caught in the iron grip of passion, but care now means a quicker clean up later. Make it an enjoyable activity or even a game. I like to roll a twelve sided die to see who gets to remove an article of clothing first. If you roll a one you botch your saving throw and you have to put an article of clothing back on. Sometimes, when I know passion is burning hot, I will wear only a velvet cape to a romantic encounter, making it easy to throw back the cape in a dashing manner, revealing my still flaccid manhood. That's right, you shouldn't be aroused yet, if you are, go back to Step One and start over.
STEP THREE: TALK IS CHEAP AND EVERYONE LOVES A DEAL
Communication is very important in the bedroom, your lover needs to know what you enjoy and you need to know what she enjoys. While visiting Turkey I bedded a Muslim woman who remained perfectly motionless until she climaxed, at which point she began shaking and ululating. The down side was that since she didn't moan or say anything during the entire encounter it took nearly four hours to stimulate her to orgasm. Try the following simple phrases:
"Yes, there."
"Unnnnh."
"Unnnnnnnnnh!"
"Fuck yeah."
"Thou dost protesteth too much."
"This doesn't fit here."
"The Princess is in another castle"
and my personal favorite:
"Holy Cow! Cubs win! Cubs win!"
Feel free to inject a bit of levity into the bedroom and don't be afraid to smile. Sex isn't all about grunts and grimaces, no offense to Grimace of "McDonalds" fame.
STEP FOUR: VARIETY IS THE SAUCE OF LEGEND
You should, by now, be into the early stages of foreplay. Kissing cannot be overemphasized here. Place gentle butterfly kisses all along her collarbone and neck while your hands move across her back. Fondling her breasts is perfectly acceptable, but do not overdo it. For many women breasts are not the best place to start. Also, if she has a supernumary nipple, try not to stare, but try not to avoid it or it might feel left out. In fact, a supernumary nipple, or witches tit, can be a highly exotic discovery on a lover. Try sucking gently at it until you taste a tangy fluid. This is her blood and you are now her familiar. Congratulations.
As you move on to more advanced interaction, remember the old sailor's adage "Don't be afraid to get your face wet". Also keep in mind that there are parts of the vagina beside the clitoris, such as the labia, the elusive G-spot, the banana cauldron (or scorpion's sting as it is known in the Kama Sutra), the Mysler-Epstein Complex, the Upper Orbit, the Floating Sex Rib, and the mysterious but highly erotic Cerebral Ganglia.
The art of performing oral sex on a woman is very fine indeed. Each woman is like a master-crafted instrument, and it will require a good deal of practice to learn the intricacies of its strings. Since I only know how to play the Jew's Harp I usually insist my partner wear a blindfold during this part and bring in a fifteen year old Korean boy with an 8 inch long tongue.
Don't be afraid to ask for oral stimulation yourself. If your lover seems reluctant try some unusual methods of coaxing her into the act, like hiding your penis in a bowl of chili or hiring a singing telegram. If none of these methods work to entice her, try moving into a gay bath house and drilling a hole in a stall divider.
STEP FIVE: INITIATE DOCKING PROCEDURE
Time has finally come to place your penis into her vagina. This is a very exciting endeavor and not one to be taking lightly. Make sure you have the proper fanfare, such as a recording of crowd cheers, trumpeting, and ample confetti. Enter your lover very slowly, as unless you are Gene Simmons or my Korean helper your tongue has not properly scouted the region. There may be some obstruction that will need to be cleared by the corps of the engineers. In most women these are trivial matters requiring no more than a few kilograms of semtex and a length of det cord running up her uterus. Sometimes however you may encounter an obstruction that is difficult to breech or bypass. Try using shaped charges or the now famous bunker busting laser guided munitions used by the USAF.
Again, women prefer all times of intercourse, sometimes varying on the way your organs interact with one another and sometimes depending on the mood the strikes her. If she is not demanding a particular position be adventurous, exploring your lover can be extremely rewarding. Missionary, Doggy Style, Cow Girl, and Reverse Cow Girl are all fairly well known, but don't be afraid to try more exotic positions like the Blooming Onion, Drunken Monkey, Swordsman's Riposte, or the difficult but pleasing Kraken Embracing Tiger.
If you have a difficult time remaining "in the game" so to speak, then attempt to concentrate on something calming. Find a pleasant thought that is not overly stimulating and picture it in as much detail as you can muster. Many people make the mistake of contemplating things they find repulsive, but if you have a vibrant imagination this can be the fast track to erectile dysfunction. Nothing causes your Hooded Champion to lose his will to fight like imagining your hairy uncle eating a popsicle. I hope. If that doesn't kill your libido completely then maybe you should call your hairy uncle and invite him over for pantsless popsicle hour.
STEP SIX: CHEETAH AT REST
After you have both achieved the heights of pleasure, you may feel the urge to retreat from your lover or immediately fall into contented slumber. Unless your companion is narcoleptic as well, you must resist this urge and enjoy, rather than endure, a pleasant post coital conversation and tender cradling of one another. Reinforce in her that she was an excellent lover, compare her to a flower or your favorite year of the EA Sports NHL Hockey series, if mistakes were made in the preceding encounter forgive them with a gentle "it's alright, 99 out of 100 women I sleep with do that too".
This cooling down period may be delayed by a brief clean up period. Unless you feel you are up to the task so soon it is suggested that you refrain from a so called "Shower Ambush". While a man is often content to wallow in a pool of his and his lover's fluids while drinking a chilled martini, smoking a cigarette and reading Penthouse Forum Letters, women often feel the need to cleanse and renew themselves. Allow her all the privacy she desires and just pretend you didn't hear the soft sobbing over the noise of the shower.
- Sluggo - 03-26-2002
Quote:Allow her all the privacy she desires and just pretend you didn't hear the soft sobbing over the noise of the shower.This line alone proves ha truly Swaive and DeBoner you are Seph...
My new hero, you are.
- Galt - 03-26-2002
Have you ever faked it? Becuase I've faked it before. You never really hear about guys faking it. Just women, but I've faked it before.
- Grumpy - 03-26-2002
someone has been reading FHM again I see....
- GonzoStyle - 03-26-2002
Galt Wrote:Have you ever faked it? Becuase I've faked it before. You never really hear about guys faking it. Just women, but I've faked it before.You said that, twice you fuckin liar. The only time you faked it was when you were jerking off and daddy was inside you and wouldn't leave till you "finished".
- WhipThisFez - 03-26-2002
There are 1,372 words in that (Microsoft word).
I wrote essays in 12th grade shorter than that.
- GonzoStyle - 03-26-2002
WhipThisFez Wrote:There are 1,372 words in that (Microsoft word).You actually did work your senior year? hahaha you fuckin sucker.
I wrote essays in 12th grade shorter than that.
- WhipThisFez - 03-26-2002
Quote:You actually did work your senior year? hahaha you fuckin sucker.
I got into college.
pits:
- GonzoStyle - 03-26-2002
WhipThisFez Wrote:I graduated 2 years ago at 21 with a BA. :blow:Quote:You actually did work your senior year? hahaha you fuckin sucker.
I got into college.
I didn't get the point of a response like that but whatever dude.
Edited By GonzoStyle on Mar. 26 2002 at 5:25
- Sloatsburgh - 03-26-2002
One important question you have not answered:
WHY
Why would I care if I have satisfied the woman or not? Why would I care if she was faking it or not? A real man would not care.
- Ahlexus - 03-26-2002
I've <font color=blue>got</font> to have you Sephiroth.
- Galt - 03-26-2002
Oh Christ, now that GonzoStyle only has one board to post on, am I going to have to deal with him responding to every single post in every single thread?
- GonzoStyle - 03-26-2002
Sloatsburgh Wrote:One important question you have not answered:That is why I mentioned sloats, he always has the correct insights and answers.
WHY
Why would I care if I have satisfied the woman or not? Why would I care if she was faking it or not? A real man would not care.
- WhipThisFez - 03-26-2002
GonzoStyle Wrote:The point is that they got me into college.WhipThisFez Wrote:I graduated 2 years ago at 21 with a BA. :blow:Quote:You actually did work your senior year? hahaha you fuckin sucker.
I got into college.
I didn't get the point of a response like that but whatever dude.
Ugh its always an attack. Just suck my dick already. I've got such a bulid up and the boys need to be let loose.
- GonzoStyle - 03-26-2002
WhipThisFez Wrote:The point is that they got me into college.Who is they and bitch you're sucking my dick. I did the :blow: first motherfucker.
Ugh its always an attack. Just suck my dick already. I've got such a bulid up and the boys need to be let loose.
Get to work bitch, it ain't suckin itself come on.
- OAS - 03-26-2002
Rookies, your all rookies. :fucking:
- Sloatsburgh - 03-26-2002
Your limp and old. You HAVE to eat pussy so that woman will sleep with you.
- OAS - 03-26-2002
Sloatsburgh Wrote:Your limp and old. You HAVE to eat pussy so that woman will sleep with you.Thats why they DO sleep with me! :eatme: :eatme: :eatme:
- Keyser Soze - 03-26-2002
Galt Wrote:Have you ever faked it? Becuase I've faked it before. You never really hear about guys faking it. Just women, but I've faked it before.Dude, i've faked it more times than I care to mention.
- Sloatsburgh - 03-27-2002
OAS Wrote:Worse:Sloatsburgh Wrote:Your limp and old. You HAVE to eat pussy so that woman will sleep with you.Thats why they DO sleep with me! :eatme: :eatme: :eatme:
They expect you to wake up with them.