02-05-2007, 04:51 PM
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Some things I needed to say - w4m - 29
Reply to: <!-- e --><a href="mailto:[email protected]">mailto:[email protected]</a><!-- e -->
Date: 2007-02-02, 3:59PM CST
I can't call you right now because I'm way too emotional and I don't want you to hear me like that-I have too much pride. I guess there are just some things I wanted to say/forgot to say yesterday. Don't respond back to this e-mail because I still don't have a computer at home and I had to go to the library to write this. Actually, I don't expect you to respond to me at all. Don't worry, this isn't one of those "please, please, come back" type of things either.
First of all, I have to wonder, were you sad yesterday? I was. My hubby kept asking me what was wrong, and why I looked so sad. It's not like I could say "Oh, my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years ended things today, so I'm a little down." I'm even sadder today. The first night you and I were together you told me you'd been looking for me for a long time, and that we'd be friends and lovers for a long time. I believed you. I especially believed you after I was pregnant and you chose to stay together. If ever there was a time to leave, it was then. I would have expected that. Sometimes we joked about being together 20 years from now and I never thought that was out of the question. But jeezuz, you kicked me when I was down. In the past two months I could have died, I had a baby in the ICU that could have died or been retarded, I've been hospitalized and had two surgeries, and then you dumped me. What a great friend you are. I needed you more during that time, and now, then I ever have.
Did you wonder why yesterday was going to be the last time for me? It's not because I suddenly grew a conscience, or because of the baby. Partly it's because I wanted to feel that I've still got it even after having a baby. But mostly it was because I realized that I gave you everything and you would give nothing. I know that I taught you to treat me that way. I was so eager to be low maintenance and so easy to deal with that I let you get away with controlling everything. Here's you saying you would do anything for me- but the reality is that you might if you can fit it in between clients, the cable guy, tanning, and getting your eyebrows waxed. If I tell you I'll do anything for you, I will. You could have called me snowed in at the airport in Chicago, and asked me to take your mother to the doctor, and I would have moved heaven and earth to make it happen. But, like I said, I taught you to treat me like that. I was so comfortable with you that I didn't think you'd take advantage of my understanding nature. And like I told you before, when tell you I love you, it's not because I want to build a life with you, it's that I just want you in my life. I wish I didn't love you, it would hurt a lot less.
I hate that I am just wife and mother and not a lover anymore. The thing I feared most about having kids was that I would lose myself in the role of mom and not be "me" anymore. No, I don't anticipate finding a replacement for you. I've got too much shit to deal with to do anything like that. That was what was so great about you, you were already established. And we both know the sex was amazing. Even if I take another lover, it could never be like what we had. Seriously, I think that's a once in a lifetime kind of thing. It was a combination of skill, imagination, lack of inhibitions, and trust. I told you before, you gave me something more important than love, you gave me freedom.
Thank God you changed that picture on your website! That's the guy I know. I wish you had a picture of me, but you only wanted naked ones (so glad I didn't give in to you on that). I just don't want you to forget about me. I want to be one of the girlfriends you never forget, because I will never forget you. I don't understand how one person can make me so happy and so sad, but that's a question for the ages.
Some advice for you. Do not go looking for your next girlfriend on the internet or through the personals. You are not computer savvy enough and people can find out way too much about you through the internet. (By the way, who's going to "clean" your computer for you now that I'm gone?) Second, put your business license on the wall behind you. It has your home address on it and you don't want some psycho chick causing problems for you. Don't worry, I won't go psycho on you either. I realize that you have the power to have me killed with a phone call, and that's no exaggeration. Plus, psycho is just not my style. Third, you have to use condoms. You were lucky (and I was stupid) that I was a clean housewife, you may not be so lucky next time. Lastly, listen to my last CD I made for you. Don't listen just to the sexy songs. Listen closely to the other songs. You will hear how conflicted I was about you, how much you meant to me, you'll hear how I knew it was coming to an end, and the last song (19) will have more meaning to you now. The one Etta James song says how I felt yesterday "If you're thinking about quitting me give me one more day...on more day to do it to you baby...I'll do anything and be anything that you want me to be...buy anything you want me buy...try anything you want me to try." But I didn't get that one last day, and you know how pissed I am about that.
I feel like I still have so much to say but I don't want to go on and on, so I'll end this letter now. Take care, and hopefully we'll stay in touch. I will miss you so much, and for so many reasons.
Some things I needed to say - w4m - 29
Reply to: <!-- e --><a href="mailto:[email protected]">mailto:[email protected]</a><!-- e -->
Date: 2007-02-02, 3:59PM CST
I can't call you right now because I'm way too emotional and I don't want you to hear me like that-I have too much pride. I guess there are just some things I wanted to say/forgot to say yesterday. Don't respond back to this e-mail because I still don't have a computer at home and I had to go to the library to write this. Actually, I don't expect you to respond to me at all. Don't worry, this isn't one of those "please, please, come back" type of things either.
First of all, I have to wonder, were you sad yesterday? I was. My hubby kept asking me what was wrong, and why I looked so sad. It's not like I could say "Oh, my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years ended things today, so I'm a little down." I'm even sadder today. The first night you and I were together you told me you'd been looking for me for a long time, and that we'd be friends and lovers for a long time. I believed you. I especially believed you after I was pregnant and you chose to stay together. If ever there was a time to leave, it was then. I would have expected that. Sometimes we joked about being together 20 years from now and I never thought that was out of the question. But jeezuz, you kicked me when I was down. In the past two months I could have died, I had a baby in the ICU that could have died or been retarded, I've been hospitalized and had two surgeries, and then you dumped me. What a great friend you are. I needed you more during that time, and now, then I ever have.
Did you wonder why yesterday was going to be the last time for me? It's not because I suddenly grew a conscience, or because of the baby. Partly it's because I wanted to feel that I've still got it even after having a baby. But mostly it was because I realized that I gave you everything and you would give nothing. I know that I taught you to treat me that way. I was so eager to be low maintenance and so easy to deal with that I let you get away with controlling everything. Here's you saying you would do anything for me- but the reality is that you might if you can fit it in between clients, the cable guy, tanning, and getting your eyebrows waxed. If I tell you I'll do anything for you, I will. You could have called me snowed in at the airport in Chicago, and asked me to take your mother to the doctor, and I would have moved heaven and earth to make it happen. But, like I said, I taught you to treat me like that. I was so comfortable with you that I didn't think you'd take advantage of my understanding nature. And like I told you before, when tell you I love you, it's not because I want to build a life with you, it's that I just want you in my life. I wish I didn't love you, it would hurt a lot less.
I hate that I am just wife and mother and not a lover anymore. The thing I feared most about having kids was that I would lose myself in the role of mom and not be "me" anymore. No, I don't anticipate finding a replacement for you. I've got too much shit to deal with to do anything like that. That was what was so great about you, you were already established. And we both know the sex was amazing. Even if I take another lover, it could never be like what we had. Seriously, I think that's a once in a lifetime kind of thing. It was a combination of skill, imagination, lack of inhibitions, and trust. I told you before, you gave me something more important than love, you gave me freedom.
Thank God you changed that picture on your website! That's the guy I know. I wish you had a picture of me, but you only wanted naked ones (so glad I didn't give in to you on that). I just don't want you to forget about me. I want to be one of the girlfriends you never forget, because I will never forget you. I don't understand how one person can make me so happy and so sad, but that's a question for the ages.
Some advice for you. Do not go looking for your next girlfriend on the internet or through the personals. You are not computer savvy enough and people can find out way too much about you through the internet. (By the way, who's going to "clean" your computer for you now that I'm gone?) Second, put your business license on the wall behind you. It has your home address on it and you don't want some psycho chick causing problems for you. Don't worry, I won't go psycho on you either. I realize that you have the power to have me killed with a phone call, and that's no exaggeration. Plus, psycho is just not my style. Third, you have to use condoms. You were lucky (and I was stupid) that I was a clean housewife, you may not be so lucky next time. Lastly, listen to my last CD I made for you. Don't listen just to the sexy songs. Listen closely to the other songs. You will hear how conflicted I was about you, how much you meant to me, you'll hear how I knew it was coming to an end, and the last song (19) will have more meaning to you now. The one Etta James song says how I felt yesterday "If you're thinking about quitting me give me one more day...on more day to do it to you baby...I'll do anything and be anything that you want me to be...buy anything you want me buy...try anything you want me to try." But I didn't get that one last day, and you know how pissed I am about that.
I feel like I still have so much to say but I don't want to go on and on, so I'll end this letter now. Take care, and hopefully we'll stay in touch. I will miss you so much, and for so many reasons.
There are four kinds of people in this world: cretins, fools, morons, and lunatics.
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