My grandmother was such a slut.....

[diceisgod]

...that she could tell you your entire family tree as far back as four generations just by the taste of your semon.

[diceisgod]

There's some kind of history of the universe doc on now and they're talking about the invention of the telescope. So one guy says now that we have the telescope, we know what to do with it. He continues and is slightly mocking - do we use it as a spyglass and look into windows or are going to look up? I say we're looking into windows. I wanna see chicks doing things with their pussies and fuck those light specs up there. So the historical facts I can gather from this is: Galileo was a faggot, Bill Gates called his system Windows for a good reason, and the Internet is for porn.

[diceisgod]

Well to make myself a liar (this will REALLY be it) & to keep the ball rolling yet another few millimeters as well as keep the spirit of curiosity alive, the spirit that lies in our bowels, in the deepest recesses of thus far unfufilled human potential; I will share information about myself for those interested. I can assure you that I have never consciously met anyone on this board personally prior my join date nor during. While I do not deny that higher powers can shuffle peoples' consciousnesses around into different bodies just for the amusement of it, I consciously have never, as far as I knoweth, met nor been you. Oh if you only knew and understood - back to the main topic - exactly how glad I was to have thought of and have posted this thread/joke up there per grandma, you wouldn't believe it. If you could know and understand just how glad you should be that you don't and in fact cannot possiblly know and understand how glad I am, you wouldn't believe it. I'm confident that anyone short of a lunatic would have a highly strong aversion to going through the process to reach this knowledge, not unless you like making finger puppets and getting rammed from behind by a rabidly aggitated Robin Williams (stay with me). I seriously doubt you do but it makes no difference because as stated it is simply not possible to understand. As I watch the Fly, think about old movies, and ponder, I feel like taking a "dive in the plasma pool" (<<full cirlcle). While I cannot provide answers to the question at its deepest level (it's far beyond me as well), what I can do is provide those answers & explanations that lie on the surface. I can only hope to enable you take a few simple A to B mental steps which may lead to understanding the full meaning of some of the previous sentences. So the first questyion I have raised: Why this inability to understand why I am glad, you are glad, and everybody else is glad? What's so f-ing glad and why? The answer to this question though limited in scope does in fact lead us the surface & "superficial" answer to the bigger question of this thread. So I believe it would be constructive to fuse these into one granddaddy painful complicated question, which is fitting because my granddaddy knew all about painful having lived with that sleeze granny of mine for near 60 years. The question: Where did this joke really come from and why is he so glad to have posted it?


Well, throughout my life thoughts have come to me from time to time, thoughts that are like no other. They randomly occur like an unexpected flash of inspiration but much more profound and meaningful. When these episodes happen, it seems as though some super natural presense momentarily takes over my body and lifts my consciousness out of the familiar, and out of usual consciousness & thought. It's always the same "person". I use words like "person" and one-dimensional pronouns such as "he", "his", or "him" for simplicitity's sake. But ever more importantly, I use them for our own physical safety (and possibly mental as well - to be explained, stay with me). For in order to attempt to take the logical steps they make to formulate thoughts & ideas and elicit understanding, you'd have to seriously screw your shit up. For example, I simply make reference to "him" as "him" since "his" entire being and by extension making reference to that being using "their" logical constructs on our plane, entails a very complicated series of often drastic physical events usually involving one's own person - like limbs, skin, organs, etc. It's complicated and impractical for us, so in short it's not worth it. Continuing with this case as an example, to formulate an idea of what "he" is, using their thought construct in our plane, the process begins with one cutting off each of their fingers, stuffing them like that dude did in the movie Darkman,and storing them in a cigar humidifier thing - similar to like what's used by the badguy in the flick. These "logical leaps" and processes seem obsured, ridiculous, without point or purpose to us. To us thought is brain activity and it's all under the hood shit, taken for granted, automatic, microscopic electronic networking, synapses firing,and so on. To narrow in a bit on the topic at hand, for us taking the mental leap from A to B is strictly, as mentioned, one dimensional. But for them thought is not bound by any fixed number of dimensions or even a "dimension" for that matter - there are no dimensions there. You ask, what is the closest thing to the concept in their world? Well, don't ask because you don't wanna even try to know. But if you insist I can set you on your way. Ever see the movie "The World According to Garp"? Maybe the earlier verbal cues in my first staement have come together if you've seen it. If you haven't, you should and I leave you one final cue: Eunich. Have fun with that. But my point is their brain power is immessurable. There, the realm of thought and the physcial are not divided or can even be thought of to be so. Thoughts can move, burn, crush. Total badasses - the lot of'em. F with them at your own peril!



So by this point, you're probably asking yourself: "What the Christ has this got to do with the lame-ass, mean-spririted joke about granny the sperm connoisseur, psycho?" Well I promised A to B connectivity but what I lied about is that we're going up to Z. It's fair to say were in the S-W range, so we're just about there. Anyway this presense stops by from time to time, "he" says "his" name is Bob. Good "dude" or whatever the hell he is - the confusing motherf'er. On my last particular journey, ie the one where granny is exposed for what she is, Bob gives me a glipse of "his" world. I am pure consciousness, no body. I see things that our brains are simply not capable of processing. All that we understand as thought in our mode of thinking - into the shitter with it. Then the voice whispers to me in a language I have never heard before but understand as though I had been speaking it since I was a small child. The voice said: "Damn, your grandmother was a god damn slut, dude." The rest didn't need to be expressed audibly because in this mode of consciousness, in this reality, the rest come as naturally as though it were "the shave and a haircut" gag - many things are this way here, says Bob. Then this thought's equivalent, it's yang, it's equivalent of "two bits" crystalized in my mind and I thought to myself instantly: "I'll bet she can identify entire family trees by tasting their cum". It felt so natural and instinctive. I knew I must bring this back with me if I could, so I focused as hard as possbile, As I was being returned to the three-dimensional world, the many thousand lifetimes of experiences I had attained in that brief millisecond with good ole Bob, were being purged exponentially but I held on as tight as I could. It....must ...get ..through. As I awoke, I felt as though an ice pick was jabbed into my temple as I crawled to my computer, concentrating as hard as I could. In agony and still confused from the RIPPPED feeling common when jumping planes of reality, I tried to think about how I could save this particular nugget, this piece of thought from the beyond...I grabbed a nail gun and point it firmly to my nuts. Then as my head began to clear and I realized, I had to think one dimensionally, that I was back home, I put the nail gun down and my account & persona known as DIG came into 1-D focus. So as I logged on and released this treasure in the digital ether, I thought to myself, Christ, my screename is just as friggin bad as the "dimension" concept over there. I was indeed quite glad. I hope this has helped and even though your understanding of the scope of this is just superficial I think you can appreciate just how glad.

[Gooch]

less is more.

[diceisgod]

Not if it pleases to displease

[GonzoStyle]

it's like jays back in the day with his ridiculously long stories but on a much stronger mind altering substance.

[diceisgod]

Travelling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops.

[GonzoStyle]

BOY!

[Goatweed]

cinemax really needs to ease off those movies.

[diceisgod]

BOY!

I know, I didn't want to sound like I was being a dick though. It's new leaf time!