What do you do?

[Arthur Dent]

The Slacker Track
Want Ads for Truly Easy Jobs
by Craig Lambert

MATTRESS DEMONSTRATOR
For bed and bedding display section of large department store. Sleeps
throughout the day (9-5) in display model bed to demonstrate restful
quality of mattresses. Ability to remain in state of deep slumber despite
store lighting and ongoing background noise of shoppers and sales staff.
Dreaming permitted. NO nightmares. thrashing, bloodcurdling screams.
Ability to go "out like a light" not required but desirable. Seeking a true
self-stopper. No drug users, snorers.

ROVING EATER
For national hotel chain. Travels incognito to various cities and eats
meals in hotel restaurants. Reports deviations from established
food-quality standards to management. Must eat three meals per day,
including some room service dining. Experienced eaters only.

HEALTHY PERSON
Need healthy individual to serve as spokesperson/model client for HMO
wellness center. Seek an aggressively healthy individual, capable of
"in-your-face" health. Duties consist of hanging around reception area
looking healthy. Occasional appearances at trade shows and health fairs
will require travel and competitive wellness (looking and acting healthier
than representatives of other HMOs). Salary and benefits commensurate
with results of physical exam. No sick days.

BREATHER
For nursery greenhouse. Sits in easy chair inside greenhouse and
inhales oxygen, exhales carbon dioxide to enhance plant growth.
Eight-hour shifts: night and weekend shifts available. The plants don't
care. Overtime in summer. Reading or sleeping on job OK! Yoga
experience a plus. No drug users, asthmatics.