Original comedy brough to you by sleeper and galt - America's newest writing tandem

Hybrid · 07-09-2002, 04:03 AM

i know. it was intentional. douche.

Galt · 07-09-2002, 02:13 PM

you two are just jealous that we didn't include you in our writing group.

Just you guys wait for another couple days when we finish with our new stuff. We just exchanged working drafts, and Sleeper was spot on with some real poignant stuff. I only wish I could be as capable as he is.

Ken'sPen · 07-09-2002, 02:15 PM

You want me to laugh, keep posting that "Down Syndrome Richie Cunningham" mug of your's.

Galt · 07-09-2002, 02:15 PM

whatever, virgin.

The Sleeper · 07-09-2002, 02:17 PM

Quote:I only wish I could be as capable as he is.

I amaze even myself sometimes.

Galt · 07-13-2002, 01:21 AM

Somebody needs to give the Expos a life-size jigsaw puzzle cutout of a naked Bud Selig, just to complete the "Major League" effect during the second half of the season <font color=white>

Edited By Galt on July 12 2002 at 9:22

Ken'sPen · 07-13-2002, 01:28 AM

Someone needs to tell Joe Torre that all star pitchers should be brought out to do more than squeeze the rosin bag twice before being replaced.

hey I can suck in this thread too.

Galt · 07-13-2002, 02:07 AM

15 from each of us. You decide who's better...

And Ken, your envy of our collective brilliance is as quite obvious and sad. Tell you what, send me some of your best one liners, and I'll see if I can incorporate them....

Sleeper<ul>
<li>When MTV runs the first episode of "Down On Their Luck Celebrity Cribs," I just hope Corey Haim, MC Hammer and Jayson Williams are prominently involved.
<li>Speaking of MTV, does the Timeout Card in "Dismissed" provoke more strategy and second-guessing than anything the four major sports have to offer, or am I crazy? And would there be anything worse than watching your daughter appear on that show? I mean, anything?
<li>Do other NFL GMs regard the Bengals general manager the same way we regard the generic "Thanks for the 200 Bucks" guy in every fantasy draft? Like they're just happy he's involved, and they don't want to make fun of him or anything, because they want him to keep coming back ... so when they see him at NFL events and stuff, they make a point to go up to him and say things like, "Good move grabbing Levi Jones that high -- we were just about to take him"? This probably happens, right?
<li>Speaking of fantasy, I would take a blood transfusion from Charlie Sheen before I ever started Mike Hampton on my fantasy team.
<li>I still can't believe that Marcus Giles is white. That's one of the more underrated sports moments, when you think a random baseball player is black and they turn out to be white, or vice-versa. Maybe the best one ever was Sidney Ponson. I'm still reeling from that one.
<li>The greatest "Two-Minute Drill" of all-time would definitely include John Rocker, Dikembe Mutombo, Old Dirty Bastard and Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf as the celebrity panelists.
<li>Does anything hush a room quite like the sight of Michael Jackson on TV?
<li>Here's my vote for the most underrated child athlete moment of all-time: The kid who kept up with Rocky Balboa for 4.2 seconds when Rocky tried to sprint away from those 30,000 Philly kids near the end of "Rocky II."
<li>My favorite Bad Movie Rental of 2002 so far: "Domestic Disturbance." It's like a race to see who could mail in more scenes, John Travolta or Vince Vaughn. And if that's not enough, Steve Buscemi has an "I'm getting paid by the scene, right? That was the agreement, wasn't it?" glow for the first 45 minutes. Very enjoyable.
<li>When you get stopped on fourth down in "Madden 2002" and Pat Summerall rubs it in with the old "Why go for it there, John?" question ... well, it's just plain enraging.
<li>How come all televised highway chases only happen in California?
<li>Eating Stouffer's French Bread Pizza Without Burning Your Mouth should be turned into an Olympic Event. I've never made it past Bite No. 3.
<li>I've never walked through the first-class section of an airplane without wanting to punch somebody in the face.
<li>All right, I'll ask: When and where do cab drivers go to the bathroom?
<li>Every time I see a picture of the daughter of Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain, I'm always amazed there isn't an arm sticking out of her forehead.
</ul>
Galt<ul>
<li>You never hear anyone utter the sentence, "My wife used to be the catcher on her college softball team."
<li>As the years pass, Vince Vaughn's performance in "Swingers" begins to take on "Brady Anderson hitting 50 homers in a season" proportions.
<li>The greatest reality TV show of all-time would be Sonny Crockett and Tom Brady competing to see who could get hotter chicks over a 13-week span. The second-greatest reality TV show of all-time would be "White Trash Survivor." And the third-greatest reality TV show of all-time would still be "The Osbournes."
<li>That reminds me, while we're on the subject of inexplicably absorbing TV channels, how long must we wait before somebody launches the Wrestling Channel, MTV Classic and the Talk Show Network? Every day that passes is a day where we could have been watching Letterman reruns, Roddy Piper smashing coconuts into Jimmy Snuka's head on "Piper's Pit" and Puck sticking his fingers into Pedro's peanut butter on "The Real World." This needs to happen. This has to happen.
<li>Four irrefutable facts: 1) nobody ages faster than a female porn star; 2) nobody was dumber than Lois Lane; 3) nobody is luckier than Adam Duritz; 4) nobody in the history of mankind was more whipped than Lionel Ritchie on the day he wrote "Truly."
<li>Derek Lowe and Jason Varitek for Heathcliff Slocumb was the greatest deal since Andy Dufresne bought the rockhammer from Red for $10.
<li>I wish you could break up with people for reasons like, "I'm sorry, you failed your physical yesterday."
<li>Let's face it: The "Does Britney have fake boobs?" debate is the 21st century's version of "Who shot JFK?"
<li>The yellow first-down line, Napster, DVDs, the Internet, Red Bull, Spice Hot, Eliza Dushku and the Foxwoods theme song were all fantastic, but the state-of-the-art movie theater is still my favorite invention of the past 10 years.
<li>When Garth Brooks is flipping channels and stumbles across the "SNL" rerun where he performed as his alter-ego "Chris Gaines," do you think he throws up in his mouth?
<li>Any SportsCenter highlight of Ken Griffey Jr. rounding third base during a home game has officially become my favorite "Uh-oh, something bad's about to happen" clip since the heyday of Shea Ralph.
<li>I know the Devil Rays want to clean house, but trying to trade Greg Vaughn and John Flaherty is tougher than getting rid of the "Q" and "X" at the end of a Scrabble game.
<li>Hey, why don't people ever hold World War II against Italy?
<li>When Axl, Slash and Izzy were putting the finishing touches on "Sweet Child O' Mine," did one of them say, "Some day this will be remembered as the greatest strip joint song of all-time"?
<li>Why does the food outside The Home Depot always smell so good?
</ul><font color=white>

Edited By Galt on July 12 2002 at 10:09

Keyser Soze · 07-13-2002, 04:53 AM

That was truly impressive. Don't blow your load all in one thread tho, save some of that shit to spray all over the place.

HedCold · 07-13-2002, 05:48 PM

Quote:thief

he's not the only thief(s) in this thread

AFDude · 07-13-2002, 06:53 PM

Quote:As the years pass, Vince Vaughn's performance in "Swingers" begins to take on "Brady Anderson hitting 50 homers in a season" proportions.

I'm pretty sure BIll Simmons said something almost exactly the same in one of his articles recently...

The Sleeper · 07-13-2002, 07:22 PM

Who is Bill Simmons?

Galt · 07-13-2002, 08:34 PM

The def jam guy?

Hybrid · 07-13-2002, 08:48 PM

YA'LL MOTHERFUCKERS READY FOR SOME MOTHA FUCKIN POETRY?

diceisgod · 07-13-2002, 11:24 PM

I like this idea and I have new one:

Godly and DIG vs. Sleeper and Galt

What do you say, ladies?

Each tandem will compile their 25 bestest pieces and submit them in this thread before an agreed upon deadline. The judges will be the board members. Any other teams that wish to enter may do so as well. So what's it gonna be? Are you ready for a proverbial and literal ass kicking?

Galt · 07-13-2002, 11:28 PM

You post yours and mine will just be mocking each of your lame-ass attempts to match the witicisms that have already been posted.<font color=white>

Edited By Galt on July 13 2002 at 7:29

diceisgod · 07-13-2002, 11:32 PM

Scared?

Galt · 07-13-2002, 11:33 PM

You'll probably just plagerize something. Prove yourself worthy of our level, and we'll see.

The Sleeper · 07-13-2002, 11:49 PM

I would do this if I thought DIG would provide actual competition, but I don't, so no. <font color="EEEEEE">

Edited By The Sleeper on July 13 2002 at 7:49

diceisgod · 07-13-2002, 11:55 PM

There is no shame in fear only if you're a man.