Favorite Comedic Bits... - AKA - Comedy Quotes

[Velociti]

every black comedian does a "white people are strange" bit.

[Hoon]

Skit::

Dave Chapell is guiding this chick showing her what life would be like if she didn't have huge tits.
Mocking the Christmas classic "Scrooge"
At the end...they are standing in a clothing store and she's listening to her friends make fun of her tiny tits and of course, no one can see Chappel or the chick.

Chappel is stealing money out of the cash register.
The chick says..."What are you doing"!
Chappel says "Hey bitch, I may be a ghost but I'm still a nigger".



Edited By Hoon on 1060297885

[Kid Afrika]

Now ^^ THAT ^^ is truly funny!!!

[diceisgod]

"of course" -KS

[Kingpin]

Daddy always gets the big piece of chicken-Chris Rock

The golf skit Robin Williams did on that HBO special, too funny

[Velociti]

I think every single comedian took a shot at Robin Williams at the Dennis Leary roast

[GonzoStyle]

Dave Chappele has a ton of classic material, one of my favs is:

I hate when women always complain that guys look at them as sex objects. Especially when they dress up in short ass skirts and tight fuckin tiny shirts. They always come at you with that bullshit "Look, just because I am dressed this way doesn't mean I am a whore!!"

I mean come on, that's like me, Dave Chapelle the comedian walking the streets in a police uniform and someone runs up to me asking for help. Only to hear me say "Look, just because I am dressed this way does NOT mean I am a police officer".

So to the some of the ladies out there, you may not be whores but some of you do wear the uniforms.

[Velociti]

"that shit is fuckin' confusing"

[GonzoStyle]

Thanks Velocitit, I forgot that part.

[Bloody Anus]

[Furley listens in as Jack & Chrissy are fixing the showercurtain in the bathroom]
Jack: OK Chrissy, I'll go in the tub with you so we can get it on.
Chrissy: Give that to me so I can show you what to do.
Jack: This isn't exactly the first time I've ever done this.
Chrissy: Maybe so, but girls are better then boys [at it].
Jack: Come on Chrissy, a little less talk and a little more action.
Chrissy: Okay, you do your part and I'll do mine [Looks at showercurtain] I don't think it'll reach!
Jack: Of course not! You have to unfold it first!


:lol:

[drusilla]

you rock

[Hoon]

Comedian Dave Atell from Comedy Centrals
"Late Night With Dave Atell"

I saw one of his stand up routines on tv one night and it was hillarious.

He said "Most people just look away from people who are missing limbs but not me, hell no"!
"If I see a guy with one leg I'm going right up to him...this guy has information..like what elevator is out, which set of stairs to take and the shortest route to the hooker on Alpine Drive!"

"And people who are missing limbs always have a cool story too".
"Like the guy missing a leg says "Landmine, 69'!"
Or the guy with one arm "Snowblower and a bottle of Jack".

"You see a guy with one tooth, where's the story there"?
"Ooooh, uh....I like taffy".