Penis punch

Kim · 03-17-2002, 12:44 AM

On 2 October 2001, the never-ending stream of rumors arising from the September 11 terrorist attacks on America was momentarily disrupted by an odd story about a grisly find made by a man imbibing the contents of a bottle of Ora Potency Fruit Punch purchased in Colorado.

Juan Sanchez-Marchez said he discovered a penis in his drink after he had downed about two-thirds of the 20-ounce bottle. He called the local police and turned the organ over to them for further investigation. Speculation ran rampant as to the identity of the man the penis the belonged to, what might have happened to him, and how this organ came to find its way into a bottle of fruit drink. (Three Rivers Bottling LLC in New Kensington, the bottling company from which the drink came, uses a high-speed, automated process that would make it next to impossible for anyone to insert something into a bottle on the production line. The drink is sold in clear bottles that are filled, instantly capped and then inspected at the plant. It was thus unlikely any item had been casually dropped into a passing bottle.)

The local coroner authorized tests to make sure the find was indeed what it appeared to be: a 3-inch length of human penis, neatly severed at the end.

The find prompted the recall of that line of punch by the manufacturer. Production of the beverage was also halted at the bottling plant.

Days later the coroner's office announced the gruesome item was actually mold and not human tissue. According to them, the mold likely developed after the metal lid on the fruit punch bottle was tightened improperly, allowing air to seep through the cap. That air and the high sugar content of the drink made for an ideal climate for mold, which probably started growing from the underside of the lid.

As initially comforting that change in the status of things might be, further thought reveals that imbibing a liquid that a mold has been growing in isn't all that much of an improvement.

Edited By Kim on Mar. 16 2002 at 7:46

IkeaBoy · 03-17-2002, 01:08 AM

Eat the worm!

AdolescentMasturbator · 03-17-2002, 03:55 AM

Sorry but I'm moving this. Pics of severed penises belong in short bus.

LZMF1 · 03-17-2002, 04:37 AM

makes me think of the movie "the hollywood knights" when newbomb is standing outside of the dance pointing at his crotch and saying "MY DICK IS IN THE PUNCH!!!!!!!!!"

Sluggo · 03-17-2002, 02:19 PM

AdolescentMasturbator Wrote:Sorry but I'm moving this. Pics of severed penises belong in short bus.

Maybe it would help if you read the whole article...

AdolescentMasturbator · 03-17-2002, 03:04 PM

Sluggo Wrote:
AdolescentMasturbator Wrote:Sorry but I'm moving this. Pics of severed penises belong in short bus.
Maybe it would help if you read the whole article...

Yeah I know it's mold but it looks too much like a penis and it could get someone screwed at their job.

GonzoStyle · 03-17-2002, 07:25 PM

AdolescentMasturbator Wrote:Sorry but I'm moving this. Pics of severed penises belong in short bus.

I'm soooo proud of you.

Kim · 03-17-2002, 09:10 PM

:bouncer: Thanks for moving it AM :bouncer:

GonzoStyle · 03-17-2002, 09:20 PM

Quote:a 3-inch length of human penis, neatly severed at the end.

I knew it was bullshit right there, no one has a cock that big.

Kim · 03-17-2002, 09:26 PM

Quote:no one has a cock that big

Wait...that's not what you told me in that email you sent...
:p

GonzoStyle · 03-17-2002, 09:29 PM

Kim Wrote:
Quote:no one has a cock that big

Wait...that's not what you told me in that email you sent...
:p

You always ignored me like that fuck Arpi, no one ever responds to my messages.

Kim · 03-17-2002, 09:35 PM

Here is another funny news article:
Collected on the Internet, 1997

"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of Pumping", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood."
He was speaking after the remains of 13-year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.

"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God."

Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in.

Not realising how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, but passers by are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight firework display, and started clapping.

"We still haven't located all of him," say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."

"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."

:roflmao: :roflmao:

GonzoStyle · 03-17-2002, 10:07 PM

SEE WHAT I MEAN!!!!

IkeaBoy · 03-17-2002, 10:11 PM

Kim Wrote:Here is another funny news article:
Collected on the Internet, 1997

"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of Pumping", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood."
He was speaking after the remains of 13-year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.

"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God."

Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in.

Not realising how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, but passers by are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight firework display, and started clapping.

"We still haven't located all of him," say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."

"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."

:roflmao: :roflmao:

i'm calling shenanigans

PatCooper · 03-17-2002, 10:38 PM

Quote:You always ignored me like that fuck Arpi, no one ever responds to my messages.

How quickly you forget you bastard. Love me and leave me!!!1

Arpikarhu · 03-18-2002, 03:28 AM

Quote:i'm calling shenanigans

that's it everyone. out of the pool. shenanigans has been called

Sir O · 03-18-2002, 10:43 AM

Um, maybe nobody's thought of this yet, so I'll just throw it out there...

How the fuck does mold form a replica of a penis so convincing that it takes a coroner to say it isn't real?

I mean, sure, mold is yucky and stuff. But I never left a slice of cheese in the fridge for so long that it grew a penis. That shit just don't make no sense!

Or maybe it's special genital-cloning-mold...

The Sleeper · 03-18-2002, 11:09 AM

Sir O Wrote:Um, maybe nobody's thought of this yet, so I'll just throw it out there...

How the fuck does mold form a replica of a penis so convincing that it takes a coroner to say it isn't real?

I mean, sure, mold is yucky and stuff. But I never left a slice of cheese in the fridge for so long that it grew a penis. That shit just don't make no sense!

Or maybe it's special genital-cloning-mold...

I think you should stop thinking about mold so much.

Sir O · 03-18-2002, 11:13 AM

The Sleeper Wrote:I think you should stop thinking about mold so much.

That will never happen.

The Sleeper · 03-18-2002, 11:17 AM

Sir O Wrote:
The Sleeper Wrote:I think you should stop thinking about mold so much.
That will never happen.

I said stop thinking about mold, not penis