Something to try out....

[JimmyBlueEyes]

As some of you know, and Laz considered it droning at Denny's. I was in the US Coast Guard from 1992-1996. I was stationed aboard a cutter(any CG vessel larger than 65 feet in length) out of Governors Island NY from 1992-1994. At the time, the Cutter Dallas was the second largest cutter in the Guard. Only one other type of ship, the Polar Class icebreakers were larger. Now there is another class of icebreaker that is bigger by about 50 feet. And speaking of Laz, it's named after a Black Man, the Healy, after Captain Mike Healy, a CG legend from the late 19th and early 20th Century.
I had a lot of good memories and people have asked me what it was like living aboard a ship. Well, I did a little searching and this was something I found tonight. BTW I was dumb for not leaving the East Coast the entire time I was in, but I saw more stuff by the time I left that ship in 94 than I have seen in the 8 years I have been out....Enjoy

Someone once asked what life was like aboard a ship, either underway or in port. We'll here's an easy guide for those of you out there who are really curious and want to try this experience in the comfort of your own home!!!

HOW TO SIMULATE COAST GUARD SHIPBOARD LIFE AT HOME

1. Upon commencing this simulation, remember to lock all friends and family outside, communicating only with letters that your neighbor will hold for a month before delivering, losing one out of every five.

2. Surround yourself with 110 people you would not normally choose to be with. (In my case it was 180, and the Navy usually has about 500 plus on a ship like this)People who chain smoke, have flatulence problems, snore like a steam locomotive, and who use expletives in speech like children use sugar on cereal are good candidates.

3. Unplug all radios and televisions to cut yourself off from the real world, but have a neighbor bring you 1 month old issues of the Navy Times, The Retired Officer, and Rolling Stone to stay up on current affairs.

4. Monitor each and every operating appliance hourly, recording vital parameters (plugged in, light comes on as door is opened, etc.). If not in use, log as “SECURED”. Make line drawings of all piping and electrical circuits in your home and memorize them.

5. Do not flush toilets for first three days to simulate the smell of forty people using them. After that, flush and overflow once daily. At least every five days, post a sign stating, “The Sewage System is Secured Until Further Notice”. It’s OK to forget to remove this sign. Take a shower using only a gallon of water to simulate sea showers. (Or do it in two minute intervals, two to get wet,turn off water. Two to soap up and wash hair, two to rinse. I still do something like this and am out of the shower in less than 5 minutes. This is a real Sea Shower) On another note, get to know an engineer who knows how much water the ship is making and figure out how long you can shower by that.

6. Only wear approved uniforms or coveralls with steel-toe boots. No other clothing can be worn. Once a month, weather not withstanding, clean and press one uniform, go outside, and stand at attention for on half hour, after which you may change back into your regular uniform.

7. Cut your hair weekly, making shorter each time, until you either look bald or you develop a rash on the back of your neck.

8. Work in 18-hour cycles, sleeping four hours at a time to ensure your body doesn’t know or care whether it’s daytime or nighttime. At random intervals, announce that you will either add or subtract an hour from the apparent time.

9. Listen to your favorite CD six times a day for two weeks, then for a week play music that makes you nauseated, until you are glad to get back to your “favorite” CD. Repeat as necessary.

10. Cut a single bed in half-length wise, and enclose three sheet metal sides. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up in any position. (18” is a good height). Replace the mattress with three inches of foam to duplicate a shipboard rack. Place a dead animal under your head to simulate the smell of your shipmate’s sheets. Wire up a curtain using either metal wire or orange "shot line" to keep it from sagging, which it will do with regular string.

11. Set your alarm clock to go off at the “snooze” setting interval for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various alarms of watch standers going off at odd times. Mount your bed on a rocking chair to ensure that you’re tossed from side to side for your remaining three hours.

12. Prepare all food while blindfolded, using only the spices that you grope for, to simulate shipboard food. Add salt. Remove the blindfold and add more salt. Boil till soft. If the food does not stick to an inverted plate when served cold, add more lard. Add some more salt. If the food contains over one part per thousand of fiber, dispose of it. Sprinkle with salt and eat as fast as humanly possible. Beat your plate enthusiastically against the side of the trashcan when disposing of your leftovers.

13. Periodically shut off power at the main breaker and run around screaming “Fire Fire Fire” until you lose your voice, then restore power.

14. Buy a gas mask and scrub the face piece with steel wool till you can’t see out of it. Wear it for two hours every fourth day to simulate General Quarters.

15. Study the shop manual for all appliances in your house. On a regular schedule, take each one apart and put it back together again, then test operate it at the extreme limit of its tolerance.

16. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint all furnishings Navaho White or Hospital Green. Stencil everything with numbers. Big black ones.

17. To ensure a happy environment, clean everyday top to bottom. Whenever possible, repeat your work. When finished, inspect your work, criticizing as you go. Never allow a good effort to go unpunished.

18. Once a day, plug in your TV and watch a movie that you walked out on two years ago. Then watch your only tape of “That’s Incredible” for two hours.

19. Stock up on as many antacids, aspirin, band-aids, foot liniment, cough syrup, and anti bacterial medicines as possible. These will cure any disease known.

20. Prepare yourself for an entirely possibly emergency that will force you to leave your dwelling, knowing that when you leave, you will have to tread water for 6 to 7 days and battle creatures that will try to consume you. Study “First Aid for bleeding”, and the fire extinguisher owners manual until you can quote them verbatim.

21. Every three or four weeks, go outside directly to the city slums, wearing your best clothes. Enter the raunchiest bar you can find and order their expensive beer. Drink as many as you can pour down in four hours, then hire a cab and have him return you home by the longest route he can find, Graciously tip the driver even though he doubled your fare. Lock yourself back into your dwelling for another three or four more weeks.(Ahh the port calls, how I miss them. But luckily the longest I ever went without a portcall was approx. 2 1/2 weeks.


This simulation must run continually for at least 60 days to be truly effective. The exact date of the end of the simulation will be changed seven times without your knowledge. This is done to keep you guessing as to when you can hope to resume a normal life.

This guide was designed to assist those who would like to, but haven’t had the opportunity or privilege to enjoy an extended period of time aboard a Coast Guard Cutter.