Bar-Fly HumoUr

[The Brain]

Originally posted by Silera
I only read Ant's and I think he wins!

Don't be so quick to judge...

<b>A lady stumbles into a bar.
She says, "Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it."
He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it."
He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, becau...because I've got heartburn."
The bartender says, "Look, lady...it's not beertender, it's bartender. It's not a martuni, it's a martini. It's not a dribble, it's a double. That's not a pickle, it's an onion. And you haven't got heartburn, you've got your left tit in the ashtray." </b>

Not good enough? How's about this one:

<b>How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital ward?</b>

<i>He's the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan. </i>

I figured a joke about a drunk Irish guy would be more up your alley... <font color=5e5e5e>right next to the Chevy Impala up on bricks and the Mexican yelling, "Ah, Tempo tempo tempo tempo" while selling roach motels. </font>

[reefdwella]

A guy walks into a bar and asks for the strongest shot the bartender can make, which he then slams down. Seconds later, he asks for another . . . and another . . . and another. Finally, the bartender stops him.
"Listen, I'm going to have to cut you off. What's the problem anyway? Girl trouble?"
"My wife and I had a fight," he replies.
"She said she's not talking to me for a week."
"These things blow over," says the bartender, attempting to console him.
"You don't understand. Today is the last day!"

[The Brain]

<b>A girl goes into a bar.
She says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."
He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the bar fucks her.
The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."
He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the bar fucks her again.
The next night, she walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Tequila."
He says, "I thought you drank Jack Daniel's."
She says, "Not any more. Jack Daniel's makes my pussy sore." </b>

[Ninny]

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man:

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?

Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... "

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one sheep . . . "

[The Brain]

<b>A guy walks into a bar with an octopus, and says, "I'll bet fifty bucks that my octopus can play any instrument."
The bartender hands the octopus a guitar, and the octopus plays it, so the guy hands the bartender fifty bucks. The manager hands the octopus a trumpet, and the octopus plays it, so the manager hands the guy fifty bucks. The waitress hands the octopus a set of bagpipes...the octopus fumbles with it for a minute, and then he sets it down.
She says, "Hah! Can't you play it?"
The octopus says "Play it? As soon as I figure out how to get these pajamas off it, I'm gonna fuck it." </b>
_________________________________________________________________

<b>A guy is at the bar when a big truck driver steps up next to him, takes the guy's drink, and gulps it down. The guy starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on, man, I was just fucking around. Hey, I'll buy you another drink. For Christ sakes, don't cry."
The guy says, "You don't understand the kind of day I'm having. I wake up to a note that says my thirteen-year-old daughter is pregnant, and she doesn't know who the father is. When I get to my office, my boss fires me. I get to the parking lot to find my car is stolen. I get a cab home, and when I get there, I remember my wallet is back in my desk at work. The cabbie doesn't believe me, and beats the shit out of me. When I go in the house, I find my wife sucking my brother's cock. So I come to this bar, and just when I'm about to end it all, you show up and drink my poison."</b>

[Ants in My Pants]

Guy is walking down the street with his dog. He is sweating from the heat and stops outside a bar. He's all set to go in and get a beer, but there is a sign that reads "No pets allowed". So he puts the dog on his head to make it look like he's wearing dreadlocks, and goes into the bar and walks around speaking with a Jamaican accent and gets a beer. Then a girl tries to touch his "hair" and it growls at her.

Funny commercial.

[IrishAlkey]

Ants wins.

[IrishAlkey]

Guy walks into a bar with a bunch of his friends... He's drinking at a table with his friends when this hot girls walks up to him and asks him to dance. He starts dancing with her reluctantly, when all of a sudden his buddies run out of beers. Since he's dancing with this hot girl, they all buy the next round on him.

Man, what a funny joke...

[Ninny]

Originally posted by IrishAlkey
Guy walks into a bar with a bunch of his friends... He's drinking at a table with his friends when this hot girls walks up to him and asks him to dance. He starts dancing with her reluctantly, when all of a sudden his buddies run out of beers. Since he's dancing with this hot girl, they all buy the next round on him.

Man, what a funny joke...

I just shed a yellow tear in your honor Sir.

[IrishAlkey]

Shed a yellow stream into my mouth.