Joke

[Rooner]

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. Se he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta go to the bathroom."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "go to the bathroom all you want."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started going to the bathroom on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning towards the officer he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy and hospitality?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

[The Brain]

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude."
They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!"
She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.
For a minute the two dealers stare at each other.
Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

[Grizzly]

Originally posted by The Brain
They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down

I would have been suspicious if she were wearing a hood or a mask, myself. . .

[The Brain]

Originally posted by Grizzly

Originally posted by The Brain
They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down

I would have been suspicious if she were wearing a hood or a mask, myself. . .

She was wearing a tiara. Happy now?


The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."
The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

:lol:

[Grumpy]

a 12 year old boy is dragging a dead cat and goes into a whorehouse. He walks up to the madam and asks if she has any hookers with diseases and pulls out a wad of cash. The woman looks at him oddly and says "yes, I do. Ken's sister is working today" but why do you want a girl with diseases.

The little boy goes on to explain : "ya see, if I sleep with Ken's sister, I'll get the diseases. When I go home, my babysister - Ninny - will do me like she does everytime she sits me, and she'll get the disease. Tonight my dad will take her home but not before he pulls off the road and fucks her good, then he'll get the disease. Then he'll come home and bang the shit out of my mommy and SHE'LL get the disease. Tomorrow morning when daddy goes to work, she'll fuck the mailman ....................


And he's the son of a bitch that ran over my cat!

[The Brain]

An obvious golf hustler sees a priest is about to tee off alone, so he says, "Father, may I join you?"
The priest says, "Sure, I'm just playing nine."
The hustler says, "Why don't we mke it interesting, say, a hundred bucks for the nine holes?"
The priest says, "Okay, but you'll have to give me a two-goose handicap."
The hustler says, "What the hell is a two-goose handicap?"
The priest says, "Twice during the round I get to goose you."
The hustler figures thirty-five or forty shots, two gooses, I'll still win easily, so he says, "You're on."
The guys who were milling around listening to the deal go down to watch the priest tee off, and then they watch the hustler tee up. Just as he swings his driver, the priest reaches between his legs, grabs his balls, and the hustler slices the ball way off onto the next fairway over. And they take off. A few hours later, they come walking into the clubhouse. The hustler is sweaty and ragged and totally shot, and the priest is counting his five twenties.
One of the other guys says to the hustler, "He only had two gooses and we saw him use the first one on the first tee shot. What the hell happened?"
The hustler says, "Did you ever try to play nine holes of golf waiting for that second goose?"

[Rooner]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm,
his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and
he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any
milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't
get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get
any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a
week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother
with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[The Brain]

A guy marries a girl, and on the wedding night, he says, "Did you ever make love to anyone else?"
She says, "Just one guy, but he was very famous."
He says, "Who?"
She says, "Tiger Woods."
They go to bed, and they get it on. Then he gets up.
She says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "I'm going to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich."
She says, "Tiger Woods wouldn't do that. He'd be here making love to me again."
The guy gets back in bed, bangs her again, and gets up.
She says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "I'm going to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich."
She says, "Tiger Woods wouldn't do that. He'd be here making love to me again."
He gets back in bed, he bangs her again, and he gets up again.
She says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "I'm going to make a phone call."
She says, "Tiger Woods wouldn't do that."
He says, "That's who I'm calling. I'm gonna call Tiger Woods, and find out what par is for this hole."

:rofl:

[Toronto Hottie]

Originally posted by Grumpy
a 12 year old boy is dragging a dead cat and goes into a whorehouse. He walks up to the madam and asks if she has any hookers with diseases and pulls out a wad of cash. The woman looks at him oddly and says \"yes, I do. Ken's sister is working today\" but why do you want a girl with diseases.

The little boy goes on to explain : \"ya see, if I sleep with Ken's sister, I'll get the diseases. When I go home, my babysister - Ninny - will do me like she does everytime she sits me, and she'll get the disease. Tonight my dad will take her home but not before he pulls off the road and fucks her good, then he'll get the disease. Then he'll come home and bang the shit out of my mommy and SHE'LL get the disease. Tomorrow morning when daddy goes to work, she'll fuck her lesbian lover Sweet Angel....................


And she's the son of a bitch that killed my cat!

All fixed.

[Rooner]

An American (from New Jersey), a Mexican and an Iraqian are in a bar one night having a beer. The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Iraqian [obviously impressed by this] drinks his
beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice
either." The Jerseyan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. He
says "In New Jersey we have so many Mexicans and Iraqis, that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice!"