A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?" The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying."
The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"
The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in your pocket?"
The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy." The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?" The man says,
"That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
:lol: :lol:
So a baby Seal walks into a club.
Get it !??!?
Quote:"That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
Yeah...there's some of them left....welcome back lady
Quote:So a baby Seal walks into a club.
Did this have anything to do with that iceberg thing? :fuggin:
Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the
husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She
meets me at the door with a cold drink and a
warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's
a great cook, the house is always neat, she
keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me
choose the television shows we watch, and
she never objects to kinky sex or says she
has a headache."
"So, what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband
ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping,
she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers,
'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!' " :burnfucker:
Quote:'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!' "
Arpi....do you feal that way too?
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall???
Dam!
:bouncer:
You think I really wanted a foot-long pianist?
In Africa, there's thousand's of them
The dog turns to him and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day."
The Scotsman looks at it, picks up the fly by both wings and says,"Spit it out you bastard!"
One night a drunk is walking down the sidewalk holding his car keys out in front of him. He ends up walking into a police officer.
The officer says to the man,"sir are you ok?"
"Officer someone just stole my car!"
"Now sir how do you know someone stole your car?"
The man replies,"Well, the last time I saw it, it was at the end of my key!"
The officer says,"Jesus Christ your drunk, for God's sake I should arrest you for indecent exposure," pointing to the man's crotch,"you have your dick hanging out of your pants!"
The man looks down and says "Holy shit!"
"Now what?"
"Someone just stole my girlfriend!"
----
A woman walks in to a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gives her one. :lol:
Doc Wrote:You think I really wanted a foot-long pianist?
In Africa, there's thousand's of them
The dog turns to him and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day."
The Scotsman looks at it, picks up the fly by both wings and says,"Spit it out you bastard!"
1.dont know
2. Who was the greatest Baseball player, dogs says roof
3.Bartender looks and says, where did you get that. The parot says...
4.dont know.
5. Fly lands in a Scotsman beer and starts drinking...
Brokenjaw Wrote:In Africa, there's thousand's of them
a black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
the bartender asks "hey, where'd ya' get that?"
the parrot replies........
3 men find a lamp with instructions to rub it 3 times
then *POOF* out pops a genie
so the genie turns to the first guy and says
"make any wish you want and i will grant it for you"
the guy says " i want to be 100 times smarter then i am now..100 times smarter"
*POOF*
the guy starts reciting Shakespeare and shit, and he is clearly 100 times smarter then he was before
so now the genie turns to the second guy and says
"make any wish you want and i will grant it for you"
the guy says " i want to be 1,000 times smarter then that guy, 1,000 times smarter!"
*POOF*
the guy starts doing insane math equations out loud, and he is clearly 1,000 times smarter then the first guy
finally the genie turns to the third guy and says
"make any wish you want and i will grant it for you"
so he says " i want to be a million times smarter then that guy, you hear me, a million times smarter"
*POOF*
he became a woman :thumbs-up:
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
Cantaloupes don't have AIDS
virgingrrl Wrote:3 men find a lamp with instructions to rub it 3 times
then *POOF* out pops a genie
so the genie turns to the first guy and says
"make any wish you want and i will grant it for you"
the guy says " i want to be 100 times smarter then i am now..100 times smarter"
*POOF*
the guy starts reciting Shakespeare and shit, and he is clearly 100 times smarter then he was before
so now the genie turns to the second guy and says
"make any wish you want and i will grant it for you"
the guy says " i want to be 1,000 times smarter then that guy, 1,000 times smarter!"
*POOF*
the guy starts doing insane math equations out loud, and he is clearly 1,000 times smarter then the first guy
finally the genie turns to the third guy and says
"make any wish you want and i will grant it for you"
so he says " i want to be a million times smarter then that guy, you hear me, a million times smarter"
*POOF*
he became a woman :thumbs-up:
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
You win.
We all know women are smarter, but did you have to rub our noses in it?
Galt Wrote:Cantaloupes don't have AIDS
most have syphillis
ok, i'm not anti semitic but this one's funny.
did you know that jews invented copper wire?
yeah, two of them were fighting over a penny.
LZMF1 Wrote:ok, i'm not anti semitic
Why?
i despise everyone equally.
shall we call you maynardv2.0 now?
and isn't it a fly in an irishman's beer?