Quote:I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Quote:I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone’s psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections…there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably…because we’re downriver…from that old bread factory…

Quote: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Quote:Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm…sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Quote:The purse-girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Quote:Dwight Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis.
Jim Halpert: Sounds Tough.
Dwight Schrute: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?