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+--- Thread: Cause I owe it to all of you (/showthread.php?tid=10975)
Cause I owe it to all of you - GonzoStyle - 12-28-2005
I have been getting all kinds of guilt trips and ridicule, etc. I figured the way I left was kinda short and nasty on my part. After much talk to some mods, keyser in particular I felt I owed the mods an explanation. Then after some pushing from fbd he convinced me I owed you all as much. So even though I now open myself up to ridicule, whatever, I have told most of my deepest secrets here, whats another one.
Quote:I apologize, maybe I just need some time I dunno. I'm just not in a proper place right now, theres something wrong with me, I dunno what. I'm just angry constantly or sad, always to an extreme lately, i'm even feeling suicidal at times, though theres no way i'd probably do it. I dunno what it is, bi-polar, insanity, schizophrenia, whatever it is. I just feel forced if I keep on posting. I also think its unfair to think I just gave up, I am still online, I am always on aim and you all have my number. I didnt wanna post a goodbye cause well I didnt wanna go the lame route and honestly it was just kinda spur of the moment and in haste but its been building up.
Its not against anyone in particular though I hate some people here. I just dunno if I can continue posting, atleast for the foreseeable future because I am not having fun doing it. You all saw the whole toping of threads a few weeks ago, I am not fuckin normal right now. Like I said I am either fuckin angry to the point I wanna fuckin crush someones skull in, or I am fuckin sad to the point of tears. I cant have fun right now and I dunno why. Maybe its one thing, a combination of things. Maybe its depression, lonliness, chemical, physical, I dunno.
Thats the honest truth, anthony is trying to bait me into coming back and I love him for it but it'd be forced and fake if I did.
Theres nothing to running this place, I havent done shit here in ages, except come up with a few ideas here and there, and keep a fire under some of your asses to get some shit done. But as far as the coding, keeping this site up, etc. this is jack and goats show and everyone knows it. The rest has always been and always will be in the members hands, "by the members, for the members" is not just a tagline. Everything I have ever done, ever happy moment, sad moments, and every dollar I put into this place was never for me, I never did anything for myself here, I always did it for the members because I care for all of them. I'm just a figure head at best if anything at this point. Dont none of you fuckin guys give up on it though, we worked too hard for this, too long.
But don't think or assume, if you wanna know, fuckin ask me. Don't act like this board is the only means of us communicating, like I said before each and everyone of you have my #. But now you know what I am feeling, so thats that. Take it how you like but I will be honest, in the state of mind I am in now, I aint in for no drama so if its gonna like that, fuckin save it if you cant understand.
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I also wanna add that fuckin obviously jack had nothing to do with it, he deserves all our thanks, especially mine and he knows I love him and pretty much everyone back here and on the board.
The whole jack thing was a part of the spur of the moment, plus I had a bad day at work where I got drunk on the job and fucked things up.
Like I said, I dunno whats wrong with me or whats going on. I'm not playing crazy anymore, I am going crazy for real.
Furthermore, I am not doing this for attention, a cry for help or anything like that. Those of you that know me, know that I keep shit pretty much to myself and don't complain except to 1 or 2 people here, once in a while. I only did this because like I said, I felt I owed you all an explanation after several members convinced me of it, wether you ridicule me or not is your right and I expect it anyway. So don't feel like you have to IM me or Call me and offer any advice or talk to me about my situation, it's either gonna be boring or generic advice anyway, so lets save the uncomfortable conversations. Otherwise you all know my aim and most of you have my #, like i said, I aint goin ghost.
- TheGMANN - 12-28-2005
I just wanna grab the big lug and give him a big ol hug and pinch his rosey red cheeks.
- diceisgod - 12-28-2005
this is where crack or jesus can make things really, really interesting.
- Hoon - 12-28-2005
Quote:Like I said I am either fuckin angry to the point I wanna fuckin crush someones sjull in
i'm not nitpicking but.... do you really want your suicide note to have typo's?
- The Sleeper - 12-28-2005
just get a hooker. that'll solve everything
- Gooch - 12-28-2005
i guess this really means i won't get my Spiderman DVD.
- The Jays - 12-28-2005
its gonna be up to me and hedcold to bring the funny to CDIH radio now
- Keyser Soze - 12-28-2005
we're waiting.
- Black Lazerus - 12-29-2005
so who had gonzo in the deathpool?
when i get back from vacation i am caling someone, to find out wtf is going on
- Arpikarhu - 12-29-2005
seeing as how you havent had a clue for years, i dont believe there is anyone you can call or you would have done it before.
- Arpikarhu - 12-29-2005
i feel bad about my previous post. sorry.
- Black Lazerus - 12-29-2005
^people he hates... i thought he asked you to leave
- Arpikarhu - 12-29-2005
see? no clue. if you had been payiong attention, he and i settled our differences. we are in love again. try reading the board every once in a while. clueless.
- Black Lazerus - 12-29-2005
I don't think his making up with you was sincere.
- diceisgod - 12-29-2005
where's the link to the kook's blog?
- Arpikarhu - 12-29-2005
Black Lazerus Wrote:I don't think his making up with you was sincere.
proving once again that you are without a clue
- The Jays - 12-29-2005
i blame danked for exposing the leader to marijuana.
- Danked - 12-29-2005
Everyone's doing it. C'mon.... don't you want to be cool or do you want to be a square for the rest of your life?
- The Jays - 12-29-2005
yes, but you're supposed to build some tolerance first! i bet you gave him the haze before weening him onto it with the dro! now look at him, a paranoid delusional shell of himself!
- OAS - 12-31-2005
Bye Gonzo! Trust me, life away from the board is paradise. There's no Arpi out here. What could be better than that?
CDIH: New Home, Same 11 Assholes
It won't be much longer before Arpi is all alone to talk to himself here. That should work very well with his playing with himself.
Happy New Year all. Gonzo, it was a hoot! Peace!