10-20-2004, 07:00 PM
Part 4, 5, 6:
I'm just gonna finish this one off, so its gonna be a bit long, feel free to take a break...
Its like closing in on 11 now and people were figuring on goin home soon cause they gotta be at work in the morning... cause who throws a wedding on a fuckin tuesday!!! Cheap fuckin scumbags who wanna make a profit off a wedding and get a cheap hotel room from a friend for next to nothing and probably could only get it on tuesday and let that dictate when their daughter gets married.
Anyway, finally word spreads that the foods coming, so we're all finally excited it's about fuckin time. So people are talking and the music is blasting from the boom box, the only song I remember is that fuckin "I saw the sign" song.
No ones dancing ofcourse cause theres no dance floor so everyones just sitting there, no one can really walk around cause its like a sardine can. We finally get something to drink though, each table had about 10-12 people and we all get 1..ONE PITCHER of seltzer water per table!! We asked for a refill and it took 20 minutes.
The food comes and we're all expecting atleast something decent, some fish, cold cuts, potatoes, meat, something.
They bring out these huge trays and finally we're gonna have something good come of this... a steak... a steak... sides? nothing no potatoes, nothing not even those fuckin greenies to decorate the plate just a steak on a plate... and thats it.
The steak was like chaplins shoe from the gold rush, it was awful fuckin rubber. No one could chew this fuckin thing and we just had to swallow the chunks and yeah that was it...
Ok, I am lying there was dessert. Which reminds me, wedding cake? yeah there was no wedding cake, nothing. The bride and groom dancing to their first song as man and wife? yeah no dance floor, the cutting of the cake? yeah, no cake.
I, me, yes me, I didnt even eat the fuck steak. I did throw it on the floor to see if it would bounce back up which didnt please "the family". One of the family asked me if that was my steak, I said, "no it's for the roaches and by roaches I mean real roaches, not the ones in your family".
So we're all waiting for dessert, people are starting to leave just disgusted. I was so excited deep down cause I really had to do nothing to make everyone hate them or make people really uncomfortable, these scumbags did all the work for me.
So everyones hoping that maybe they'll make up with the dessert, so people are hoping atleast there would be some coffee and cake or something nice. So they wheel out a big cooler thing like the ice cream man has. We figure ok, maybe some nice ice cream a mousse or something good. No coffee ofcourse, that costs money.
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:::intermission break for the reader:::
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So we're all waiting to see whats gonna come out of the cooler...... the suspense is building.... italian ices....in the actual little paper cup things like they give crazy people medicine in....ITALIAN FUCKIN ICES!!!! The guy wheeled the italian ice cooler around the room and you could choose between cherry, chocolate or lemon. He scooped it in front of you into the paper cup thing just as if you were at a pizzeria.
I thought theres no way this could become any more pathetic and then gino wheels out the italian ices, I was just blown away. All of a sudden someone gets up and says "are you fuckin joking or what?" and he just gets his wife and walks out, I had no clue who he was but I wish i'd have met him earlier.
So I picked the cherry and i'm just sitting there suckin on the cup and just laughing to myself, then the bride and groom are walking around the room with their parents from table to table and askin how everything is and such. They come to my table, they say hello to everyone and the groom comes up to me and he has no clue who I am, we never met. He shakes my hand and I just say "you poor bastard" and he says nothing, it was later I found out he spoke no english so this fuck may not be too stupid and probably married her for the papers.
So the bride comes up to me and finally her fuckface parents are there and the grooms parents are there and I stand up and look at the grooms parents and say, "you know if I was a betting man, i'd say the brides parents planned this little suare we have tonight", the smiled uncomfortably and kinda gave me that look like "we know, but we really cant say shit but we understand you".
The brides father says "whats that mean?", I say "well I dont wanna judge but if a third word nation saw video of this wedding they'd probably say "wow thats a really cheap ass fuckin wedding, scrooge".
He gets beet red and just walks away and his wife looks at me with her fuckin veiny walrus face and says "you had no right" to which I say "you know at the very least you coulda gotten some pizzas with the ices. Nice wedding dress you got your daughter though, which homeless drag queen did you mug for that number?"
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:::intermission break for the reader:::
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Then we traded a few more shots back and forth and then my grandmother walked over and then the real fun began, she started with the yiddish cursing then the russian and this and that and really gave it to them. I loved every second of it, she finished it off with "You have one more daughter left, eventually she'll get married and since you will probably fuck that up as well, when you're sending out the invitations remember these following words: you are fuckin awful parents and let someone else plan the wedding. By the way dont bother sending me an invite unless I my bird needs new paper for the cage.
It was just awesome, my grandmothers former brother in law came over and kissed her for what she did, at the same time he was crying. She told him not to cry, he said its not that i'm fuckin hungry and I havent had a drink today.
The rest of the night wasnt as eventful, after the ices there was nothing else but the people were still hangin around and it was almost 1am already and I couldnt leave cause I was waiting for our carpool to get together. The problem was they found a liquor store so they were walking around like winos with bottles and spreading some cheer around the room.
Its like 2am now and I guess they wanted us to leave, so what do they do? They close all the doors and blast the AC full blast, everyones freezing and some people went to get their coats. Yeah they set up a coat check and charged people a buck but they said you couldnt take the coats into the room so they basically froze everyone outta the room.
We finally left a little after 2am and went to a diner on 57th to finally get something to eat and drink and talk about the evenings events, it was trully a fuckin pathetic sight.
the end.
I'm just gonna finish this one off, so its gonna be a bit long, feel free to take a break...
Its like closing in on 11 now and people were figuring on goin home soon cause they gotta be at work in the morning... cause who throws a wedding on a fuckin tuesday!!! Cheap fuckin scumbags who wanna make a profit off a wedding and get a cheap hotel room from a friend for next to nothing and probably could only get it on tuesday and let that dictate when their daughter gets married.
Anyway, finally word spreads that the foods coming, so we're all finally excited it's about fuckin time. So people are talking and the music is blasting from the boom box, the only song I remember is that fuckin "I saw the sign" song.
No ones dancing ofcourse cause theres no dance floor so everyones just sitting there, no one can really walk around cause its like a sardine can. We finally get something to drink though, each table had about 10-12 people and we all get 1..ONE PITCHER of seltzer water per table!! We asked for a refill and it took 20 minutes.
The food comes and we're all expecting atleast something decent, some fish, cold cuts, potatoes, meat, something.
They bring out these huge trays and finally we're gonna have something good come of this... a steak... a steak... sides? nothing no potatoes, nothing not even those fuckin greenies to decorate the plate just a steak on a plate... and thats it.
The steak was like chaplins shoe from the gold rush, it was awful fuckin rubber. No one could chew this fuckin thing and we just had to swallow the chunks and yeah that was it...
Ok, I am lying there was dessert. Which reminds me, wedding cake? yeah there was no wedding cake, nothing. The bride and groom dancing to their first song as man and wife? yeah no dance floor, the cutting of the cake? yeah, no cake.
I, me, yes me, I didnt even eat the fuck steak. I did throw it on the floor to see if it would bounce back up which didnt please "the family". One of the family asked me if that was my steak, I said, "no it's for the roaches and by roaches I mean real roaches, not the ones in your family".
So we're all waiting for dessert, people are starting to leave just disgusted. I was so excited deep down cause I really had to do nothing to make everyone hate them or make people really uncomfortable, these scumbags did all the work for me.
So everyones hoping that maybe they'll make up with the dessert, so people are hoping atleast there would be some coffee and cake or something nice. So they wheel out a big cooler thing like the ice cream man has. We figure ok, maybe some nice ice cream a mousse or something good. No coffee ofcourse, that costs money.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
:::intermission break for the reader:::
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So we're all waiting to see whats gonna come out of the cooler...... the suspense is building.... italian ices....in the actual little paper cup things like they give crazy people medicine in....ITALIAN FUCKIN ICES!!!! The guy wheeled the italian ice cooler around the room and you could choose between cherry, chocolate or lemon. He scooped it in front of you into the paper cup thing just as if you were at a pizzeria.
I thought theres no way this could become any more pathetic and then gino wheels out the italian ices, I was just blown away. All of a sudden someone gets up and says "are you fuckin joking or what?" and he just gets his wife and walks out, I had no clue who he was but I wish i'd have met him earlier.
So I picked the cherry and i'm just sitting there suckin on the cup and just laughing to myself, then the bride and groom are walking around the room with their parents from table to table and askin how everything is and such. They come to my table, they say hello to everyone and the groom comes up to me and he has no clue who I am, we never met. He shakes my hand and I just say "you poor bastard" and he says nothing, it was later I found out he spoke no english so this fuck may not be too stupid and probably married her for the papers.
So the bride comes up to me and finally her fuckface parents are there and the grooms parents are there and I stand up and look at the grooms parents and say, "you know if I was a betting man, i'd say the brides parents planned this little suare we have tonight", the smiled uncomfortably and kinda gave me that look like "we know, but we really cant say shit but we understand you".
The brides father says "whats that mean?", I say "well I dont wanna judge but if a third word nation saw video of this wedding they'd probably say "wow thats a really cheap ass fuckin wedding, scrooge".
He gets beet red and just walks away and his wife looks at me with her fuckin veiny walrus face and says "you had no right" to which I say "you know at the very least you coulda gotten some pizzas with the ices. Nice wedding dress you got your daughter though, which homeless drag queen did you mug for that number?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
:::intermission break for the reader:::
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Then we traded a few more shots back and forth and then my grandmother walked over and then the real fun began, she started with the yiddish cursing then the russian and this and that and really gave it to them. I loved every second of it, she finished it off with "You have one more daughter left, eventually she'll get married and since you will probably fuck that up as well, when you're sending out the invitations remember these following words: you are fuckin awful parents and let someone else plan the wedding. By the way dont bother sending me an invite unless I my bird needs new paper for the cage.
It was just awesome, my grandmothers former brother in law came over and kissed her for what she did, at the same time he was crying. She told him not to cry, he said its not that i'm fuckin hungry and I havent had a drink today.
The rest of the night wasnt as eventful, after the ices there was nothing else but the people were still hangin around and it was almost 1am already and I couldnt leave cause I was waiting for our carpool to get together. The problem was they found a liquor store so they were walking around like winos with bottles and spreading some cheer around the room.
Its like 2am now and I guess they wanted us to leave, so what do they do? They close all the doors and blast the AC full blast, everyones freezing and some people went to get their coats. Yeah they set up a coat check and charged people a buck but they said you couldnt take the coats into the room so they basically froze everyone outta the room.
We finally left a little after 2am and went to a diner on 57th to finally get something to eat and drink and talk about the evenings events, it was trully a fuckin pathetic sight.
the end.
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