Tonight i'll make my family regret their decision

[Galt]

How do you know that the green mile was originally published in six small books, chapbooks, in monthly installments unless you were sucked in as well.

it's impossible to know about it unless I read them? That's kind of a stretch



Edited By Galt on 1098290034

[GonzoStyle]

PART 2:

So we're standing around the hotel room from hell all just miserable and uncomfortable. People obviously did not expect this and most people were really starting to bitch cause they were hungry. People expected the usual wedding and they probably didnt eat all day so they could enjoy the evening but nothing, not even an inkling that food was coming.

So theres no bar nothing and i'm askin people is there atleast something to drink? Everyones shrugging but then one person I see has a paper cup and I ask him whats he drinkin and he says water, so im thirsty and figure fine and he points me to where it is.... he points me to the lobby water cooler!!!

So the seeds of hate were already planted for me so I start goin from group to group just stirring the hate around. One group was really pissed and I really didnt know them but I overheard them talking and I joined in and introduced myself. I was like "well what do you expect from these fuckin heathens"... even though I honestly didnt believe even they would stoop this fuckin low.

So I find one person from "the family" and I walk up to him and i'm like what the fuck is with this? He just lets out a sigh cause im sure he was glad to see me. So I say well wheres the food, the drinks, the band?

He says he doesnt know when the foods coming but theres no band, I am like wtf? He says they're using that and points out a home stereo unit... wow!!!! They're gonna spin cd's on a boom box instead of having a band!! It turned out to be a kareokee type thing so they could use the mic to announce things.

My granny is uber pissed now, as nice and wonderful as she is once she gets pissed its over. She doesnt give a fuck and finds the brides grandfather who is my grannys sisters widow. She starts in on him like wtf?

He turns out to be just as upset as her, he had no clue. Turns out this was what they did. The rented this place out for like 1,000 bucks cause they knew the owner and they cheaped out on everything cause they knew no one would expect this so they'd bring the usual gifts of 150-200 per person and they were basically gonna use this to make money! They spent like 2 grand on the wedding and were planning to walk away with 10-15 grand and make a profit and fuck everyone over in the mean time.

Genius!!! I mean the reason people give gifts of 200 bucks or so is cause they know that the family spends a lot on the wedding and their seat alone is worth a 100 bucks or so.

They took advantage of that to make money off the wedding instead of spending it on the wedding!!!

[Black Lazerus]

jews jewing out, what a surprise.

[Hoon]

Please tell me they played the chicken dance cd!!



Edited By Hoon on 1098292613

[GonzoStyle]

PART 3:

So now its like 9:30 and we've all pretty much grown tired, hungry and bored.

They finally turn on the kareokee machine and tell everyone to sit down the ceremony is gonna begin.

The groom comes out and he doesnt even have a best man, he just walks out and stands there. Then the bride comes out, she walks out wearing what used to be a white dress when I see her I can't help it and break out in a laugh and everyone looks at me and give me the shh sign while others just nod there heads but there were some who giggled along with me.

I say it used to be a white dress cause this thing was so old and filthy that it was now more of a almost beige dirt color. It's not a family hand me down like her mothers gown or something it was just an old dress she musta got at the salvation army or something, the amazement just grows.

Now she is walked down by her father and just as the groom has no best man she has no bridesmaids, its just becoming more and more pathetic. Now they are side by side before the rabbi and standing under the hoopa, usually the hoopa is a very big deal but not to "the family" the hoopa is made of plastic and instead of flowers it has leaves.... tree leaves... old yellow tree leaves....

Which reminds me, they had a flower girl... the flower girl had no flowers, guess what the flower girl had? come on...... yes the flower girl had leaves!!!!!!

I see the flower girl and I was in too much of an awed state to say anything but then I manage to put a couple words together and not yell but say loud enough "holy shit, its fuckin leaves!!!" That gets me a slap in the shoulder from a woman next to me to which I say, "touch me again and the weddings gonna be followed by a funeral". I showed that 90 year old woman!!!

So they get through the ceremony which took like 2 minutes and there was a smattering of applause.

Then they turn on the boom box and people woulda danced if there was maybe some room to move around or maybe... if there was a fuckin dance floor!!!

So I reach into my pocket and I forgot to give them my gift so I went over to the bride and hand her my envelope, she lets out a sigh when I walked up and said "yeah glad to see you too" and she manages to say "hey" and I say "heres my gift, I really put thought into it and it comes straight from the heart" and she shoves it into her little bag with the other envelopes, I was so hoping she'd open it but to no avail.

[Black Lazerus]

ok what is a hoopa?

[GonzoStyle]

It's that arch thing that the bride and groom stand under, I dunno its symbolism, how its really spelled, or if its exclusive to jewish weddings cause I never cared.

But its usually made of wood and its an arch that the bride and groom stand under and its decorated with fresh flowers.

[Goatweed]

this sounds alot like my wedding, except I didn't have any roaches.

[Black Lazerus]

ah ok , so this one was made from that white plastic and had fall leaves in it?

[HedCold]

joobies was suprised by how big my cousins engagement party was, then there was the wedding

she's not used to how we do out here

[GonzoStyle]

Part 4, 5, 6:

I'm just gonna finish this one off, so its gonna be a bit long, feel free to take a break...

Its like closing in on 11 now and people were figuring on goin home soon cause they gotta be at work in the morning... cause who throws a wedding on a fuckin tuesday!!! Cheap fuckin scumbags who wanna make a profit off a wedding and get a cheap hotel room from a friend for next to nothing and probably could only get it on tuesday and let that dictate when their daughter gets married.

Anyway, finally word spreads that the foods coming, so we're all finally excited it's about fuckin time. So people are talking and the music is blasting from the boom box, the only song I remember is that fuckin "I saw the sign" song.

No ones dancing ofcourse cause theres no dance floor so everyones just sitting there, no one can really walk around cause its like a sardine can. We finally get something to drink though, each table had about 10-12 people and we all get 1..ONE PITCHER of seltzer water per table!! We asked for a refill and it took 20 minutes.

The food comes and we're all expecting atleast something decent, some fish, cold cuts, potatoes, meat, something.

They bring out these huge trays and finally we're gonna have something good come of this... a steak... a steak... sides? nothing no potatoes, nothing not even those fuckin greenies to decorate the plate just a steak on a plate... and thats it.

The steak was like chaplins shoe from the gold rush, it was awful fuckin rubber. No one could chew this fuckin thing and we just had to swallow the chunks and yeah that was it...

Ok, I am lying there was dessert. Which reminds me, wedding cake? yeah there was no wedding cake, nothing. The bride and groom dancing to their first song as man and wife? yeah no dance floor, the cutting of the cake? yeah, no cake.

I, me, yes me, I didnt even eat the fuck steak. I did throw it on the floor to see if it would bounce back up which didnt please "the family". One of the family asked me if that was my steak, I said, "no it's for the roaches and by roaches I mean real roaches, not the ones in your family".

So we're all waiting for dessert, people are starting to leave just disgusted. I was so excited deep down cause I really had to do nothing to make everyone hate them or make people really uncomfortable, these scumbags did all the work for me.

So everyones hoping that maybe they'll make up with the dessert, so people are hoping atleast there would be some coffee and cake or something nice. So they wheel out a big cooler thing like the ice cream man has. We figure ok, maybe some nice ice cream a mousse or something good. No coffee ofcourse, that costs money.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

:::intermission break for the reader:::

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So we're all waiting to see whats gonna come out of the cooler...... the suspense is building.... italian ices....in the actual little paper cup things like they give crazy people medicine in....ITALIAN FUCKIN ICES!!!! The guy wheeled the italian ice cooler around the room and you could choose between cherry, chocolate or lemon. He scooped it in front of you into the paper cup thing just as if you were at a pizzeria.

I thought theres no way this could become any more pathetic and then gino wheels out the italian ices, I was just blown away. All of a sudden someone gets up and says "are you fuckin joking or what?" and he just gets his wife and walks out, I had no clue who he was but I wish i'd have met him earlier.

So I picked the cherry and i'm just sitting there suckin on the cup and just laughing to myself, then the bride and groom are walking around the room with their parents from table to table and askin how everything is and such. They come to my table, they say hello to everyone and the groom comes up to me and he has no clue who I am, we never met. He shakes my hand and I just say "you poor bastard" and he says nothing, it was later I found out he spoke no english so this fuck may not be too stupid and probably married her for the papers.

So the bride comes up to me and finally her fuckface parents are there and the grooms parents are there and I stand up and look at the grooms parents and say, "you know if I was a betting man, i'd say the brides parents planned this little suare we have tonight", the smiled uncomfortably and kinda gave me that look like "we know, but we really cant say shit but we understand you".

The brides father says "whats that mean?", I say "well I dont wanna judge but if a third word nation saw video of this wedding they'd probably say "wow thats a really cheap ass fuckin wedding, scrooge".

He gets beet red and just walks away and his wife looks at me with her fuckin veiny walrus face and says "you had no right" to which I say "you know at the very least you coulda gotten some pizzas with the ices. Nice wedding dress you got your daughter though, which homeless drag queen did you mug for that number?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

:::intermission break for the reader:::

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Then we traded a few more shots back and forth and then my grandmother walked over and then the real fun began, she started with the yiddish cursing then the russian and this and that and really gave it to them. I loved every second of it, she finished it off with "You have one more daughter left, eventually she'll get married and since you will probably fuck that up as well, when you're sending out the invitations remember these following words: you are fuckin awful parents and let someone else plan the wedding. By the way dont bother sending me an invite unless I my bird needs new paper for the cage.

It was just awesome, my grandmothers former brother in law came over and kissed her for what she did, at the same time he was crying. She told him not to cry, he said its not that i'm fuckin hungry and I havent had a drink today.

The rest of the night wasnt as eventful, after the ices there was nothing else but the people were still hangin around and it was almost 1am already and I couldnt leave cause I was waiting for our carpool to get together. The problem was they found a liquor store so they were walking around like winos with bottles and spreading some cheer around the room.

Its like 2am now and I guess they wanted us to leave, so what do they do? They close all the doors and blast the AC full blast, everyones freezing and some people went to get their coats. Yeah they set up a coat check and charged people a buck but they said you couldnt take the coats into the room so they basically froze everyone outta the room.

We finally left a little after 2am and went to a diner on 57th to finally get something to eat and drink and talk about the evenings events, it was trully a fuckin pathetic sight.

the end.

[GonzoStyle]

ah ok , so this one was made from that white plastic and had fall leaves in it?

It wasn't even like the white plastic, it was clear plastic it looked like a school project a 9 year old would make. The leaves were also like when the kids glue leaves the pick up off the street and put on construction paper in 2nd grade.

[HedCold]

pfff, if you're going to have italian ices at least get Ralph's

i think i might do that at my wedding...

[GonzoStyle]

the italian ices are a nice addition, I admit but its a nice "Addition" if you have like cake, ice cream, pastries and such you throw in the ices as a little extra not as the lone dessert!

[HedCold]

to bad they didn't have a camera man, they could have sold the tapes and made more money

[GonzoStyle]

to bad they didn't have a camera man, they could have sold the tapes and made more money

Oh man I didnt even notice that one, no fuckin cameraguy to shoot the video, then again who'd want memories of that?

[Buttmunch]

I don't believe the part about the diner.

I think you made that up.

[Galt]

smashing.

[GonzoStyle]

I don't believe the part about the diner.

I think you made that up.

Out of all that, you pick the diner?

We actually did go to the diner, first off the guy who was driving was still a little buzzed so we wanted to get some coffee in him cause he's a horrid driver when he's sober. Plus my grandmother was really hungry, she couldnt have eaten the steak cause of her teeth so she wasnt feelin to well cause she didnt eat all day.

[GonzoStyle]

smashing.

This comment made it all worth it.