05-21-2004, 04:38 AM
When I go to a mall, my goal is speed. Once I enter the doors, I dart past the teenagers huddled in front of Applebees, counting how many quarters it will take to buy a bowl of fries that 15 people can share, and dodge the small demon children that wail and run and attempt to kick my shins as their moms stand around chattering with their fat celluloid ridden asses that give new meaning to the word stretch pants and their hideous thongs sticking halfway out their backs letting the world know that not only do they have kids, but they have them because they are sluts with low self esteem and use ugly men to fill their lives with some shred of hope and meaning, and I attempt to get to Old Navy to get a pair of jeans.
It's on the second floor. Fuck. I can only hope for smart people to be on the escaltor.
I feel that all escalators should no longer be installed in buildings.
The point for escalators in malls is efficiency. When you step on one of them, the hope is that you CONTINUE TO WALK once you step onto them, thus cutting the time it takes to negotiate a vertical or horizontal distance in half.
Unfortunatly, this is not what our society believes. People seem to think that any such machinery that doesn't charge people for its use must be some sort of free amusement device, where you just stand their and let it do all the work. And so, what do you get? Fat stupid people moving at 2 mph up a stair, not using a single muscle.
I have hope. But, as we all know, hope royally sucks, and as I attempt to race up the escalator, I am stopped in my tracks by the parade of morons that are standing on the treads. And heaven forbid I try and move past their spot on the escalator, for I will get the bitch who kisses her teeth and says "You in a hurry?" or "Why you WALKING up the escalator?" as they block me with their lard bellies from the five children who are climbing on top of the moving handrail and periliously hanging on for dear life. The same people who spend half the time in the mall at the food court, eating Cinabons.
Now, on a side note, Cinnabons are like manna from heaven, I won't lie. But, the only proper time to eat one is at the begining of a trip through the mall. One Cinnabon is like five Red Bulls, I can attain the speed of a gazelle within five minutes of consumption. However, my metally challenged mall counterparts would rather spend half the day eating a box of Cinnabons rather than actually moving.
I get upstairs finally, and have to weave my way through various couples who are strolling along like it's a walk on the fucking beach, groups of youths who are playfully beating the shit out of one another in front of Foot Locker, and old people who have been brough to the mall for exercise.
My weaving quickly ends, and I am forced to stop in my tracks because of a group of black people. They move like snails. And they instinctively know how to ensure that any attempt for me to pass them will be unsuccessful (RACISM PERHAPS???) I am forced to take an alternate, as if the walkway was the BQE, and the black people are a jackknifed tractor trailer.
I have to go past Hot Topic, where all the REAL creative and independent thinking goth peple go to buy their commercial anti-establishment goods. At the rate I am moving at, I average one chick store every 5 seconds. I know its a chick store BECAUSE IT SELLS THE SAME FUCKING CLOTHING AS THE 20 OTHER CHICK STORES IN THE MALL. WHAT THE FUCK?? HOW MANY TIMES MUST CHICKS WALK AROUND STARING AT THE SAME FUCKING CLOTHING THEY ARE CURRENTLY WEARING?? And when these chicks arent staring at clothing, they are bitching about some bullshit some guy did to them, and analyzing every fucking aspect of why this guy did what he did. Guess what? Guys don't think to much about their actions. If they did, they would be gay. That's what gay people are; guys who think like chicks. If some guy fucked you over, it's because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Get over it. Stop blocking my fucking path to Spencer's Gifts.
Spencer's Gifts. There's one in every mall. I must always go in this store. Why? Because I need to see if any cum stains show up on my jeans from jerking off earlier in the day under black light, and to see all the new OLD FART and OVER THE HILL merchandise that just came in. Seriously, if there comes a day where you actually consider buying an OLD FART hat for a friend, buy a gun instead. or arsenic.
The coffee place. Ugh. I don't mind the smell of coffee. I do mind the stench of burnt, shitty, overprices crap that will melt my fucking tongue because THEY HEAT IT TO TEMPERATURES AT WHICH STEEL WILL BEGIN TO DEFORM. It's a fucking terrible mixture of all the worst flavors of coffee known to man, and it's numbing the insides of my nostrils like ammonia. And then I have this stench of bad coffee on my clothing for the rest of the day, just from zooming past this terrible place.
Then the fucking cookie stand. Look, if you go to the mall and buy a cookie, you deserve the STD you got.
There are the three big stores in the mall; Sears, Macy's and JC Pennys. You only need to go into one of them, because they each carry that same shitty merchandise, offer the same unique home furnishings, and the same crappy power tools. Sometimes, you can't avoid them, because parking sucks outside, so you have to park near one of them, and their doors are closer, so you have to wade through the 25 forty year old women trying to spray you with Shalomar, the gay kid trying to help you pick out ties and dress shirts, the hot ass chicks who think they are the shit because they help manage Sears and thus won't talk to you, and the fucking customers, which include the mom with the double stroller and ONE TODDLER (so she can use the other chair to carry her fucking bags) and the hapless shmuck of a father who hates his life and his credit rating.
Going to a music store is truely a pointless exercise. It's only use is to buy gifts for parents and relatives who don't understand how to download music. Luckily, they have started to sell dvd's. Unluckily, they sell mostly Corey Haim movies and overpriced, non-bonus featured dvds which have just the movie, and the movie has always been modified to fit your television screen.
Electronics Boutique sucks royal ass. All the games I might want to buy are behind the counter, out of sight enough for me to have to ask if they carry the title and have them LIE TO ME. See, because it's hidden. BEHIND THE FIFTEN BAZILLION FUCKING PACKS OF YU GI OH TRADING CARDS WHAT THE FUCK WHO GOES TO VIDEO GAME STORES TO BUY 7 DOLLAR PACKS OF CARDS WITH ANIME CHARACTERS ON THEM??????
Oh, it must be THE FIFTEEN BAZILLION FAT CRATER FACED NERS WITH THE JAPANESE SHIRTS AND THE KICKING B.O. THAT CROWD THE FUCKING STORE LIKE ITS 6AM ON THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING.
So, I need to pick up some cash and make a check deposit at my bank, HSBC. There are only two on the island; one is one a road that requires an eleborate sequence of turns and back roads in order to get to it, and the other is in the mall. Being in the mall, of course, means that all the tellers have to be FUCKING DOUCHEBAGS like every other clerk, and when I go to customer service, I have to deal with ANOTHER FUCKING DOUCHEBAG who obviously got his associates in BEING A DOUCHEBAG from the DOUCHEBAG SCHOOL OF BUSINESS FOR PEOPLE THAT ALMOST FAILED HIGH SCHOOL.
I finally leave the mall 20 minutes after i have arrived. A new record.
It's on the second floor. Fuck. I can only hope for smart people to be on the escaltor.
I feel that all escalators should no longer be installed in buildings.
The point for escalators in malls is efficiency. When you step on one of them, the hope is that you CONTINUE TO WALK once you step onto them, thus cutting the time it takes to negotiate a vertical or horizontal distance in half.
Unfortunatly, this is not what our society believes. People seem to think that any such machinery that doesn't charge people for its use must be some sort of free amusement device, where you just stand their and let it do all the work. And so, what do you get? Fat stupid people moving at 2 mph up a stair, not using a single muscle.
I have hope. But, as we all know, hope royally sucks, and as I attempt to race up the escalator, I am stopped in my tracks by the parade of morons that are standing on the treads. And heaven forbid I try and move past their spot on the escalator, for I will get the bitch who kisses her teeth and says "You in a hurry?" or "Why you WALKING up the escalator?" as they block me with their lard bellies from the five children who are climbing on top of the moving handrail and periliously hanging on for dear life. The same people who spend half the time in the mall at the food court, eating Cinabons.
Now, on a side note, Cinnabons are like manna from heaven, I won't lie. But, the only proper time to eat one is at the begining of a trip through the mall. One Cinnabon is like five Red Bulls, I can attain the speed of a gazelle within five minutes of consumption. However, my metally challenged mall counterparts would rather spend half the day eating a box of Cinnabons rather than actually moving.
I get upstairs finally, and have to weave my way through various couples who are strolling along like it's a walk on the fucking beach, groups of youths who are playfully beating the shit out of one another in front of Foot Locker, and old people who have been brough to the mall for exercise.
My weaving quickly ends, and I am forced to stop in my tracks because of a group of black people. They move like snails. And they instinctively know how to ensure that any attempt for me to pass them will be unsuccessful (RACISM PERHAPS???) I am forced to take an alternate, as if the walkway was the BQE, and the black people are a jackknifed tractor trailer.
I have to go past Hot Topic, where all the REAL creative and independent thinking goth peple go to buy their commercial anti-establishment goods. At the rate I am moving at, I average one chick store every 5 seconds. I know its a chick store BECAUSE IT SELLS THE SAME FUCKING CLOTHING AS THE 20 OTHER CHICK STORES IN THE MALL. WHAT THE FUCK?? HOW MANY TIMES MUST CHICKS WALK AROUND STARING AT THE SAME FUCKING CLOTHING THEY ARE CURRENTLY WEARING?? And when these chicks arent staring at clothing, they are bitching about some bullshit some guy did to them, and analyzing every fucking aspect of why this guy did what he did. Guess what? Guys don't think to much about their actions. If they did, they would be gay. That's what gay people are; guys who think like chicks. If some guy fucked you over, it's because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Get over it. Stop blocking my fucking path to Spencer's Gifts.
Spencer's Gifts. There's one in every mall. I must always go in this store. Why? Because I need to see if any cum stains show up on my jeans from jerking off earlier in the day under black light, and to see all the new OLD FART and OVER THE HILL merchandise that just came in. Seriously, if there comes a day where you actually consider buying an OLD FART hat for a friend, buy a gun instead. or arsenic.
The coffee place. Ugh. I don't mind the smell of coffee. I do mind the stench of burnt, shitty, overprices crap that will melt my fucking tongue because THEY HEAT IT TO TEMPERATURES AT WHICH STEEL WILL BEGIN TO DEFORM. It's a fucking terrible mixture of all the worst flavors of coffee known to man, and it's numbing the insides of my nostrils like ammonia. And then I have this stench of bad coffee on my clothing for the rest of the day, just from zooming past this terrible place.
Then the fucking cookie stand. Look, if you go to the mall and buy a cookie, you deserve the STD you got.
There are the three big stores in the mall; Sears, Macy's and JC Pennys. You only need to go into one of them, because they each carry that same shitty merchandise, offer the same unique home furnishings, and the same crappy power tools. Sometimes, you can't avoid them, because parking sucks outside, so you have to park near one of them, and their doors are closer, so you have to wade through the 25 forty year old women trying to spray you with Shalomar, the gay kid trying to help you pick out ties and dress shirts, the hot ass chicks who think they are the shit because they help manage Sears and thus won't talk to you, and the fucking customers, which include the mom with the double stroller and ONE TODDLER (so she can use the other chair to carry her fucking bags) and the hapless shmuck of a father who hates his life and his credit rating.
Going to a music store is truely a pointless exercise. It's only use is to buy gifts for parents and relatives who don't understand how to download music. Luckily, they have started to sell dvd's. Unluckily, they sell mostly Corey Haim movies and overpriced, non-bonus featured dvds which have just the movie, and the movie has always been modified to fit your television screen.
Electronics Boutique sucks royal ass. All the games I might want to buy are behind the counter, out of sight enough for me to have to ask if they carry the title and have them LIE TO ME. See, because it's hidden. BEHIND THE FIFTEN BAZILLION FUCKING PACKS OF YU GI OH TRADING CARDS WHAT THE FUCK WHO GOES TO VIDEO GAME STORES TO BUY 7 DOLLAR PACKS OF CARDS WITH ANIME CHARACTERS ON THEM??????
Oh, it must be THE FIFTEEN BAZILLION FAT CRATER FACED NERS WITH THE JAPANESE SHIRTS AND THE KICKING B.O. THAT CROWD THE FUCKING STORE LIKE ITS 6AM ON THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING.
So, I need to pick up some cash and make a check deposit at my bank, HSBC. There are only two on the island; one is one a road that requires an eleborate sequence of turns and back roads in order to get to it, and the other is in the mall. Being in the mall, of course, means that all the tellers have to be FUCKING DOUCHEBAGS like every other clerk, and when I go to customer service, I have to deal with ANOTHER FUCKING DOUCHEBAG who obviously got his associates in BEING A DOUCHEBAG from the DOUCHEBAG SCHOOL OF BUSINESS FOR PEOPLE THAT ALMOST FAILED HIGH SCHOOL.
I finally leave the mall 20 minutes after i have arrived. A new record.
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