Tonight i'll make my family regret their decision

[Goatweed]

The brides father says "whats that mean?", I say "well I dont wanna judge but if a third word nation saw video of this wedding they'd probably say "wow thats a really cheap ass fuckin wedding, scrooge".

fucking classic! bravo!

[drusilla]

ok what is a hoopa?

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most of the time i have seen ones like this one. though at my cousins wedding, hers was made out of little pannels that everyone had to decorate with words, pictures, drawings etc. & then they were sewn together to make a quilt. & they quilt was put up as the hoopa.

i think it has something to do with covering your head under god. i dunno.

[GonzoStyle]

The complete version for a full un-interrupted read.

PART ONE:

well the night starts around 8 or so and I guess I should preface the story with a little info on russian weddings. Russian people are very extravigant when it comes to these types of events, weddings, barmitvahs, etc. Everything from the food to the flowers to the establishment, the entertainment, etc etc etc. Guests give cash as presents only, nothing else is accepted but cash and its usually 150 per person is whats expected. Russian weddings are basically italian weddings without the sausage and peppers.

So I show up with granny and a couple other family members, we all car pooled in cause finding parking is obviously ridiculous in the city. So I figure it's gonna be some nice posh place since they chose the city. This was the first thing I found weird cause usually the weddings take place at the usual spots we have in brooklyn or long island, etc but they chose manhaten so I figured they were gonna really shell out some cash, which I wasnt surprised cause they're fuckin loaded.

We pull up to this building and I was like what the fuck is this, why are we stopping off at sleepers former building? There's no sign nothing and I still have no clue what this place was called. It's a hotel is all I know and it's the real fancy type you know the type that rents out rooms in 15 minute intervals. We walk in and first thing I notice is the roaches and i'm like, no fuckin way they purposely fucked us and sent us to the wrong place... Nope, we were at the right place.

We walk into the wedding area and I was right it was sleepers apartment!!! Not literally but this place was fuckin tiny, battered wood floors, creaking floorboards, it was basically a room with some tables. They somehow fit 100 people in there, I have no clue how and it was just attrocious.

The guests are just disgusted and you can tell. Another piece of info on the russian weddings is the food, the food is amazing at these things. I mean the food is just ridiculous, it just never stops thats what they are probably most famous for. The food just never stops coming and you can never keep up and one things better than the next.

This place, the tables are empty, not even plates, no bar let alone an open bar. Just a bunch of hard ons standing around looking miserable in a roach motel.

And this is how the night began.

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PART 2:

So we're standing around the hotel room from hell all just miserable and uncomfortable. People obviously did not expect this and most people were really starting to bitch cause they were hungry. People expected the usual wedding and they probably didnt eat all day so they could enjoy the evening but nothing, not even an inkling that food was coming.

So theres no bar nothing and i'm askin people is there atleast something to drink? Everyones shrugging but then one person I see has a paper cup and I ask him whats he drinkin and he says water, so im thirsty and figure fine and he points me to where it is.... he points me to the lobby water cooler!!!

So the seeds of hate were already planted for me so I start goin from group to group just stirring the hate around. One group was really pissed and I really didnt know them but I overheard them talking and I joined in and introduced myself. I was like "well what do you expect from these fuckin heathens"... even though I honestly didnt believe even they would stoop this fuckin low.

So I find one person from "the family" and I walk up to him and i'm like what the fuck is with this? He just lets out a sigh cause im sure he was glad to see me. So I say well wheres the food, the drinks, the band?

He says he doesnt know when the foods coming but theres no band, I am like wtf? He says they're using that and points out a home stereo unit... wow!!!! They're gonna spin cd's on a boom box instead of having a band!! It turned out to be a kareokee type thing so they could use the mic to announce things.

My granny is uber pissed now, as nice and wonderful as she is once she gets pissed its over. She doesnt give a fuck and finds the brides grandfather who is my grannys sisters widow. She starts in on him like wtf?

He turns out to be just as upset as her, he had no clue. Turns out this was what they did. The rented this place out for like 1,000 bucks cause they knew the owner and they cheaped out on everything cause they knew no one would expect this so they'd bring the usual gifts of 150-200 per person and they were basically gonna use this to make money! They spent like 2 grand on the wedding and were planning to walk away with 10-15 grand and make a profit and fuck everyone over in the mean time.

Genius!!! I mean the reason people give gifts of 200 bucks or so is cause they know that the family spends a lot on the wedding and their seat alone is worth a 100 bucks or so.

They took advantage of that to make money off the wedding instead of spending it on the wedding!!!

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PART 3:

So now its like 9:30 and we've all pretty much grown tired, hungry and bored.

They finally turn on the kareokee machine and tell everyone to sit down the ceremony is gonna begin.

The groom comes out and he doesnt even have a best man, he just walks out and stands there. Then the bride comes out, she walks out wearing what used to be a white dress when I see her I can't help it and break out in a laugh and everyone looks at me and give me the shh sign while others just nod there heads but there were some who giggled along with me.

I say it used to be a white dress cause this thing was so old and filthy that it was now more of a almost beige dirt color. It's not a family hand me down like her mothers gown or something it was just an old dress she musta got at the salvation army or something, the amazement just grows.

Now she is walked down by her father and just as the groom has no best man she has no bridesmaids, its just becoming more and more pathetic. Now they are side by side before the rabbi and standing under the hoopa, usually the hoopa is a very big deal but not to "the family" the hoopa is made of plastic and instead of flowers it has leaves.... tree leaves... old yellow tree leaves....

Which reminds me, they had a flower girl... the flower girl had no flowers, guess what the flower girl had? come on...... yes the flower girl had leaves!!!!!!

I see the flower girl and I was in too much of an awed state to say anything but then I manage to put a couple words together and not yell but say loud enough "holy shit, its fuckin leaves!!!" That gets me a slap in the shoulder from a woman next to me to which I say, "touch me again and the weddings gonna be followed by a funeral". I showed that 90 year old woman!!!

So they get through the ceremony which took like 2 minutes and there was a smattering of applause.

Then they turn on the boom box and people woulda danced if there was maybe some room to move around or maybe... if there was a fuckin dance floor!!!

So I reach into my pocket and I forgot to give them my gift so I went over to the bride and hand her my envelope, she lets out a sigh when I walked up and said "yeah glad to see you too" and she manages to say "hey" and I say "heres my gift, I really put thought into it and it comes straight from the heart" and she shoves it into her little bag with the other envelopes, I was so hoping she'd open it but to no avail.

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PART 4:

Its like closing in on 11 now and people were figuring on goin home soon cause they gotta be at work in the morning... cause who throws a wedding on a fuckin tuesday!!! Cheap fuckin scumbags who wanna make a profit off a wedding and get a cheap hotel room from a friend for next to nothing and probably could only get it on tuesday and let that dictate when their daughter gets married.

Anyway, finally word spreads that the foods coming, so we're all finally excited it's about fuckin time. So people are talking and the music is blasting from the boom box, the only song I remember is that fuckin "I saw the sign" song.

No ones dancing ofcourse cause theres no dance floor so everyones just sitting there, no one can really walk around cause its like a sardine can. We finally get something to drink though, each table had about 10-12 people and we all get 1..ONE PITCHER of seltzer water per table!! We asked for a refill and it took 20 minutes.

The food comes and we're all expecting atleast something decent, some fish, cold cuts, potatoes, meat, something.

They bring out these huge trays and finally we're gonna have something good come of this... a steak... a steak... sides? nothing no potatoes, nothing not even those fuckin greenies to decorate the plate just a steak on a plate... and thats it.

The steak was like chaplins shoe from the gold rush, it was awful fuckin rubber. No one could chew this fuckin thing and we just had to swallow the chunks and yeah that was it...

Ok, I am lying there was dessert. Which reminds me, wedding cake? yeah there was no wedding cake, nothing. The bride and groom dancing to their first song as man and wife? yeah no dance floor, the cutting of the cake? yeah, no cake.

I, me, yes me, I didnt even eat the fuck steak. I did throw it on the floor to see if it would bounce back up which didnt please "the family". One of the family asked me if that was my steak, I said, "no it's for the roaches and by roaches I mean real roaches, not the ones in your family".

So we're all waiting for dessert, people are starting to leave just disgusted. I was so excited deep down cause I really had to do nothing to make everyone hate them or make people really uncomfortable, these scumbags did all the work for me.

So everyones hoping that maybe they'll make up with the dessert, so people are hoping atleast there would be some coffee and cake or something nice. So they wheel out a big cooler thing like the ice cream man has. We figure ok, maybe some nice ice cream a mousse or something good. No coffee ofcourse, that costs money.

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PART 5:

So we're all waiting to see whats gonna come out of the cooler...... the suspense is building.... italian ices....in the actual little paper cup things like they give crazy people medicine in....ITALIAN FUCKIN ICES!!!! The guy wheeled the italian ice cooler around the room and you could choose between cherry, chocolate or lemon. He scooped it in front of you into the paper cup thing just as if you were at a pizzeria.

I thought theres no way this could become any more pathetic and then gino wheels out the italian ices, I was just blown away. All of a sudden someone gets up and says "are you fuckin joking or what?" and he just gets his wife and walks out, I had no clue who he was but I wish i'd have met him earlier.

So I picked the cherry and i'm just sitting there suckin on the cup and just laughing to myself, then the bride and groom are walking around the room with their parents from table to table and askin how everything is and such. They come to my table, they say hello to everyone and the groom comes up to me and he has no clue who I am, we never met. He shakes my hand and I just say "you poor bastard" and he says nothing, it was later I found out he spoke no english so this fuck may not be too stupid and probably married her for the papers.

So the bride comes up to me and finally her fuckface parents are there and the grooms parents are there and I stand up and look at the grooms parents and say, "you know if I was a betting man, i'd say the brides parents planned this little suare we have tonight", the smiled uncomfortably and kinda gave me that look like "we know, but we really cant say shit but we understand you".

The brides father says "whats that mean?", I say "well I dont wanna judge but if a third word nation saw video of this wedding they'd probably say "wow thats a really cheap ass fuckin wedding, scrooge".

He gets beet red and just walks away and his wife looks at me with her fuckin veiny walrus face and says "you had no right" to which I say "you know at the very least you coulda gotten some pizzas with the ices. Nice wedding dress you got your daughter though, which homeless drag queen did you mug for that number?"

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PART 6:
Then we traded a few more shots back and forth and then my grandmother walked over and then the real fun began, she started with the yiddish cursing then the russian and this and that and really gave it to them. I loved every second of it, she finished it off with "You have one more daughter left, eventually she'll get married and since you will probably fuck that up as well, when you're sending out the invitations remember these following words: you are fuckin awful parents and let someone else plan the wedding. By the way dont bother sending me an invite unless I my bird needs new paper for the cage.

It was just awesome, my grandmothers former brother in law came over and kissed her for what she did, at the same time he was crying. She told him not to cry, he said its not that i'm fuckin hungry and I havent had a drink today.

The rest of the night wasnt as eventful, after the ices there was nothing else but the people were still hangin around and it was almost 1am already and I couldnt leave cause I was waiting for our carpool to get together. The problem was they found a liquor store so they were walking around like winos with bottles and spreading some cheer around the room.

Its like 2am now and I guess they wanted us to leave, so what do they do? They close all the doors and blast the AC full blast, everyones freezing and some people went to get their coats. Yeah they set up a coat check and charged people a buck but they said you couldnt take the coats into the room so they basically froze everyone outta the room.

We finally left a little after 2am and went to a diner on 57th to finally get something to eat and drink and talk about the evenings events, it was trully a fuckin pathetic sight.

the end.

[drusilla]

amazing. that is so much worse than my brothers wedding in my aunts backyard.

[GonzoStyle]

atleast in a backyard theres room to move around, this place literally was like a 50 max capacity room with a 100 people in it.

[drusilla]

don't worry. you win. i don't know if i will ever hear a wedding story to top the cheapness of that event.



Edited By drusilla on 1098302141

[GonzoStyle]

I win simply in the fact, I was goin in there with the purpose of ruining the wedding to my best effort and making everyone uncomfortable and hate the bride and her family and I had to do abosolutly nothing.

[drusilla]

indeed.








(damn flood control)

[Keyser Soze]

jays take note, reality is stranger than fiction. even if gonzo did make that whole story up, its absolutely brilliant. what a bunch of cheap fucks.

[Arpikarhu]

actually the bride and groom win. they got all of the envelopes despite everybodies bitching. they are evil geniuses!

[Mad]

Demand to see the bloody sheet.

[The Sleeper]

haha this story is way funnier if you picture it in my old apartment

[GonzoStyle]

actually the bride and groom win. they got all of the envelopes despite everybodies bitching. they are evil geniuses!

I must admit it was trully the scummiest move ever by them but it honestly was ingenius. Sure people ooh and ahh about the nice weddings by the families usually break even or end up in the red after presents with the weddings.

But they're already loaded so a few extra grand doesn't matter to me, I had my own agenda and I saw it through.

I hope I get an answer on if she liked my gift.

[Goatweed]

too bad the floor wasn't skewed like Sleeper's was - that would've ruled!

[The Jays]

What was your gift?

[crx girl]

haha this story is way funnier if you picture it in my old apartment

i totally did

[GonzoStyle]

What was your gift?

I already have my gift, it's a sympathy hallmark card "my condolences on your loss" with a single condom inside and I wrote on the card "make sure to use it so you don't burden the world with any more waste."

Originally it was just gonna be an empty envelope cause thats like the most disrespectful thing to do, not give any money as a gift.

[drusilla]

you're supposed to give 2 pennies to show that you didn't forget. or at least that's what your supposed to leave a bad waiter.

[The Jays]

oh yeah, I got caught up in the story, I forgot about the intial posts.

Too bad the dress was all scummy and yellow and shit. You didn't get to do this.

I also plan to laugh if she comes out wearing white and loudly say "she's got some nerve wearin white".

[drusilla]

true or not, this story is fantastic