Joke....

[Biff]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:



Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times"



Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"



Man: "What sins?"



Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"



Man: "I'm Jewish."



Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"



Man: "I'm 92 years old .. I'm telling everybody.

[Queenie]

Good one Biff! :clap: :lol:

______

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:


Talking Dog For Sale.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.. 'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.

I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'










'Because he's a liar.. He never did any of that crap.'

[schuyler16]

lol queenie

A guy walks into a bar, the bartender asks him what he wants to drink and the guy says "i don't care just give me something I've never had before" the bartender goes "I'll make you my specialty, it's called the grasshopper and nobody can make them but me." so the guy drinks it and loves it so much he stays at the bar drinking grasshoppers til closing time." after the bar closes down, the guy is walking home and he notices a grasshopper on the ground. He asks the Grasshopper "did you know there's a drink named after you?" and the grasshopper goes "theres a drink called a bob?"

[fustercluck]

I'm BACK!



Q. What do you call a white man surrounded by Indians? A. Bartender.

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex......The little boy in my basement.

Q. What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock? A. You can't fuck a rock.

I was walking through the cemetery the other day, and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. "Morning," I said. "No, just taking a shit."

An astronomer is on an expedition to darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when cannibals capture him. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a "GOD" and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him. The guard's answered, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal." "Great," the astronomer replies. The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so fucking excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

[potthole]

I was expecting to see the Lady Gaga joke.

[plungerhand]

3 out of 4 ain't bad...wait, I feel a song coming on..

[fustercluck]

For Potthole....

How do you wake up Lady Ga Ga?

Poke Her Face

[plumpenut]

For Potthole....

How do you wake up Lady Ga Ga?

Poke Her Face

where is that rimshot smilie when you need it?

[Biff]

Your mama is so stupid that she thinks Judo is what they use to make bagels.

[fustercluck]

I saw a billboard that read: "Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-3787" So out of curiosity I did. Twenty minutes later a Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard. Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy." Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."

Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they wont take it up the ass cause it 'hurts'.

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"

I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asked. "No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."

[fustercluck]

Tigers' caddie is going to "improve his lie"