Post a joke thread

[imatoolhed]

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil

Smith.He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!

Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs,

But he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on

Virgil's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but

Find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil!

This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

[linzi]

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?













They're both close enough to smell it but will get fired for eating it.

[fustercluck]

What do JFK and Obama have in common?

Nothing yet

[khef]

I traded a fishin pole for my wife. Good Trade Huh?

[Rock Monster]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1- I do physical labor.
2- I work at great depths.
3-I plunge head first into everything I do.
4- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5- I work in a damp environment.
6- I don't get paid overtime.
7- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
8- I work in high temperatures.
9- My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1- You cannot work 8 hours straight.
2- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
3- You rarely follow the orders of the management team.
4- You do not stay in your designated work area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5- You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear.
8- You will retire well before you are 65.
9-You are unable to work double shifts.
10- More often than not, you leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11- If the ten reasons listed above are not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

[imatoolhed]

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really Eff, I've got nothing left to live for!"

[Rock Monster]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female,faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head."

[Queenie]

ONE GOOD REASON NOT TO FLIRT!!

A couple were invited to a masked Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone... He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. After sleeping soundly for an hour, she woke without pain and decided to go to the party. Her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and spotted her husband in his costume, dancing with every chick he could and copping a feel here and a kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, starting dancing on him. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "Not one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spa re room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."