Am I a coward?

[0rz0ski]

So, a friend of the family is dying. And it's bad. She's so close to the family that we all call her Aunt. She's 80 or 90, I don't remember.

Her entire life is basically her and Uncle, traveling around the country, collecting semiprecious gemstones and making them into jewelry. They owned a campground, and had enough adventures for 3 lifetimes worth of stories.

Then Aunt fell, and spent a long time recovering. It hit her hard that she couldn't move around anymore. They moved into a nursing home, they hated it. Called it their prison. He ended up dying there about 8 months ago. It killed him to live there, away from Lake Michigan, where people fed him horrible food, and played bingo all of the time. He lost his freedom, it killed his spirit.

She's in the same boat. The love of her life is gone. She's given up. My mom went down yesterday. She's not eating, she's only drinking water. She fell again, and is bedridden, catheters and everything. She didn't open her eyes to even look at Mom.

Mike asked if I wanted to visit her, and I said no, and I feel like a coward. Am I a coward for not going? I saw my grandpa, in a coma, a day before he died, and that fucking changed me, and I wasn't even that close to my grandpa. I don't want to go see her because I don't want to remember her like that. I'd prefer to remember her happy, living in Ludington with Uncle, not old, hopeless, and dying.

[Queenie]

My first instinct would be that you should go visit her for her benefit not yours. To let her know that you love her. But she probably already knows that, so that reasoning is moot. It's probably what I would do no matter the circumstances. However, I always say, never give advice to someone unless you have walked a mile in their shoes.

You need to do what you feel happy with yourself about doing. Two years from now, after she is passed, are you going to wish you could go back and do something differently? If you are satisfied with you inner being about the situation, for the love of Pete DO NOT do it just because you think somebody else thinks you should. This is between you and your "Aunt" and nobody else, no even your Mom.

My .02

[Biff]

I 100% agree with Queenie.

[krystal]

I would think she would understand, but try to call her. If she can't talk on the phone, put on your big girl panties and go see her anyway.

[thunderchild]

I can only speak from my own experience-I was always close to my grandmother, who despite being 93 years old the last time I saw her, still had all her marbles and could hold a conversation as well as anyone, although her body was crippled. I emmigrated to the States from my native England, and wasn't able to get back home before she died-my mother told me that she degenerated to the point where she didn't know anybody, and was almost childlike in her mannerisms. She had always been so strong and selfless in her attitude-'What can't be cured must be endured' was one of her favorite sayings-made more poingnant by the fact that she was in constant crippling pain from arthritis and could barely walk. So the idea of her becoming so dependant, and being unable to recognise her loved ones was anaethema to me, and I have never regretted not going to see her in that state, preferring to remember her as she really was. But it's subjective, and you should definately let your concience be your guide, as you can't go back and fix it later. Be sure of your motives beforehand, then make the best decision you can.
My $.02 for what it's worth.

[landmammaldolphin]

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Because I fully agree with Queenie I will do as others and tell my story about going through this same thing.

My Grandmother died of colon cancer in 1998. She had refused Chemo because she had gone through it years before when battling breast cancer. She couldn't take it anymore and decided to give up. Before she got sick she was 6' and weighed about 180lbs. When she died she was 97lbs and had been in a coma for about a week and half. I was away at college when she passed but a week earlier I had gone and talked to her and told her I loved her when she was in that coma. I'm actually tearing up typing this...so anyway, it felt awkward speaking to someone who I wasn't sure could hear me and it was absolutely awful to see her that way but I'm glad I did and I dont' regret it. When I think about my Grandmother I don't remember her being 97lbs and in a coma, I remember hanging out and roasting marshmallows around a campfire. I remember her being cheap and buying junk at flea markets. I remember her taking me to get ice cream, and I try to focus on the good times because that's how I want to remember her. Remembering the good times make the bad times hurt less but that hurt never goes away completely.

Just make sure she knows how you feel about her, regardless of whether it's face to face or whatever else you choose and make sure you aren't going to regret your actions or inactions when the inevitable occurs.

To answer your question, you are not a coward, you are fearful and there is a big difference there. In whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best!