02-16-2009, 10:54 AM
Maddog....ummm maybe,(and I am not trying to be an ass); you hold so much anger in your heart that there is no room for anything else. Your life is what you make it. Look; my mother is a harlot that married 6 men and divorced them just as quickly. One of those men beat me unmercifully for 7 years starting when I was 5yrs old. There would be times I did not go to school for a couple weeks at a time because of the bruises. Not to mention we moved every 5 to 6 months because human services was trying to take me away from the hell I was in. I held that anger for a long time. Then I realized that all that anger was tearing me apart inside so I called the man that beat me. I asked him why it happened and then I told him; "I forgive you" and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I still had a problem; I could not forgive my mother because let's face it, the first time it happened she should have left him. I struggled with this for years. I prayed about it one night and I KNOW GOD spoke to me in my dreams. I told him I wanted to ask him for forgivness but how could I when I could not forgive others myself? I was told "forgive as I forgive"; I asked how is that and HE said "REPEATEDLY AND UNCONDITIONALLY". I woke crying with joy. I could finally forgive the woman who gave birth to me. I had not talked to my mother for about 3.5 yrs. I called her and told her that I forgave her but that does not mean I have to invite her back into my life. Forgiving others allowed me to move on with my life. Now I do not dwell on a "bad childhood". I'm just saying it sounds like your storing a lot of anger inside and harboring anger makes killers of men.