04-14-2009, 07:23 PM
Dear 17-year old Torque,
Forget about trying to gain weight, you won't fill out til your 19 and even then, no matter what you do, you'll never go above 140.
Don't ride the horse named "Im So Delightful" on that fateful Thursday afternoon. You'll break your back and you don't have insurance.
Stay over at your friend's house on that rainy night after wing-fest your freshman year of college- you'll total your first and best car ever and it will take 4 fireman to drag you away from the upside down newly painted beaut you just finished restoring 1 month earlier and force you onto a stretcher.
Bite the bullet and go to UPenn instead of Penn State. The money you save in tuition won't mean S when you can't get into their vet school afterwords because you're not rich and you have no "connections". What's another 50K when vet school costs $250000+?
Don't date someone because people say you should give them a chance. You won't like the first 3 out of the 4 total people you've ever dated. On the other hand, have more sex- you're a nymph and it won't even be possible for you to get knocked up for another 2 years!
Make Phil go to the hospital. Don't let him put it off when he says his heart feels weird but it's "just the Starbucks". 24-year-olds are not immortal.
Your life-long ban on eating rice is stupid. You will try some Kow Pad from Touch of Thai for the first time at the age of 25 and become insatiably addicted.
Don't even bother taking up that modeling invite. You'll get offered a $700/hr shoot 2 days after your car accident and you won't have the contract money. Besides, that's not a lifestyle you'd mold into well and you don't do coke.
Dye your hair dark, you've always loved dark hair and you will repeatedly have experiences with job interviews and in general life in which your hair color/appearance effs things up for you.
Don't go for a stroll down the boss's driveway to the back pasture the summer you turn 17. Its not just a thunderstorm- a tornado will go through and a large tree will fall on you you idiot.
Discover Marinol for your insomnia waaaay sooner dude.
Favre will become a Jet. Just warning you now
Forget about trying to gain weight, you won't fill out til your 19 and even then, no matter what you do, you'll never go above 140.
Don't ride the horse named "Im So Delightful" on that fateful Thursday afternoon. You'll break your back and you don't have insurance.
Stay over at your friend's house on that rainy night after wing-fest your freshman year of college- you'll total your first and best car ever and it will take 4 fireman to drag you away from the upside down newly painted beaut you just finished restoring 1 month earlier and force you onto a stretcher.
Bite the bullet and go to UPenn instead of Penn State. The money you save in tuition won't mean S when you can't get into their vet school afterwords because you're not rich and you have no "connections". What's another 50K when vet school costs $250000+?
Don't date someone because people say you should give them a chance. You won't like the first 3 out of the 4 total people you've ever dated. On the other hand, have more sex- you're a nymph and it won't even be possible for you to get knocked up for another 2 years!
Make Phil go to the hospital. Don't let him put it off when he says his heart feels weird but it's "just the Starbucks". 24-year-olds are not immortal.
Your life-long ban on eating rice is stupid. You will try some Kow Pad from Touch of Thai for the first time at the age of 25 and become insatiably addicted.
Don't even bother taking up that modeling invite. You'll get offered a $700/hr shoot 2 days after your car accident and you won't have the contract money. Besides, that's not a lifestyle you'd mold into well and you don't do coke.
Dye your hair dark, you've always loved dark hair and you will repeatedly have experiences with job interviews and in general life in which your hair color/appearance effs things up for you.
Don't go for a stroll down the boss's driveway to the back pasture the summer you turn 17. Its not just a thunderstorm- a tornado will go through and a large tree will fall on you you idiot.
Discover Marinol for your insomnia waaaay sooner dude.
Favre will become a Jet. Just warning you now
Humans are not rational beings, they are rationalizing
Practice safe sex, do it in a Volvo ___________ "Shut up", he explained.