Ask Howie

[Howie Feltersnatch]

Heartman,

Only who can prevent forest fires?

• Potty,
  The masturbating bear can probably help, mostly because I think he's great!
  

Dear Mr. Snatch,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? What would you do for a Klondike Bar? And where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

• Bwn,
  
  Stick to what you do best...suck on it . I would kill a man for a klondike bar. With the demise of her show and computer programs, Carmen was forced to take up a job stripping at a low rent town's strip bar where the girls are forced to wear 'pasties', True story.
  
  linkey: http://maps.google.com/maps?source=ig&hl...668849681#

Dear Howie,

Lately I have had the urge to punch a pig in the face. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but if I hear the word swine one more time, I will go ballistic. What do you recommend?

Thanks,

Sick of the sickness in York

• Sick,
  
  I hear ya, but don't blame the pigs...punch the mingers. Having raised pigs and growing up on a farm I know that pigs are smart, tough, and can be quick. If you do decide to punch a pig in the face, they'll likely knock you down and either bite/pinch you with their mouths or will tea-bag you with their giant pig balls, and then you'll have swine flu.
  
  
  
  

I'll field this one...

Dear Mr. Snatch,

Should I be drinking Tequila Rose, or Peach Schnapps with vodka right now?

Thanks,
Sober in Grand Rapids

Dear Sober,

Dump the crappy Tequilla Rose, and mix up a big thing of the Schnapps and vodka. Add in some OJ with those two things, and you've got yourself an awesome drink.

Sincerely,

Wannabe Snatch

• Nice one Potty and Opus!

Dear Mr. All that is pink,

I have asked this question of the brightest minds available and they have been unable to provide me with a satisfactory response, so I seek your input on the subject matter.

The question at hand boils down to a simple equation, but it requires quite a bit of explaining.

First we are to define that Money does not equal happiness. Secondly we must define that the government supplies us with the necessary right to be in the pursuit of happiness (right = happiness). Thirdly we must define that the government is made up of the people and is elected by the people. (People = Government)

So with these explanations, Our Rights equal Happniess and since these are provided by the Government which is of the people and by the people, then Government does not equal money.

So why is that the Government has the right spend more than it takes in and bail out companies with money that is clearly not theirs?

• If you have already asked some of the brighest minds...did you really thing a cow chasing firefighter would be able to help you anymore?
  
  I will post this picture that proves everything that I know about money and women.
  
  

Wow you really suck at this Howie.

• Titty,
  
  shoot me another try

Dear Mr. Snatch,

How do I avoid turning into Bridezilla?

Bitch Bride to Be in GR

• Bitchy Bride,
  
  You have the right to be a bit of a stressed out bitch. I've heard of ladies who demanded their bridesmaids grow their hair out, get it cut a certain way, or find ways to cover up tattoos (a sea turtle specifically). There is a fine line between controlling evil bridezilla bitch and stressed bride....on that I have no effing clue where that line is...see my reply to opus and women. Try not to stress on your squeeze to be as you'll have plenty of time to hate on him and yell at him if/when you give birth to his children

Dear Dr. Feltersnatch, OBGYN,

I was wondering how long it takes for the song Piggy Flu to get out of a persons head? I have been stuck repeating and am beginning to go crazy. What is your suggestion for solving this delima?

No More Piggy Flu in GR

• I was about to say that I haven't had any problems with the song getting stuck in my head...but as I started my response the show decided to replay the clip. So my answer is by the time Joe's first silly giggle is heard your brain is doomed untill Joe does something equally as giggly/retarded.