07-18-2009, 06:44 PM
Here are my Top five in reverse order:
5) When I was in the fourth grade as I sat in class one day, the urge to go poo started to overtake me so I raised my hand to get the teachers attention, which I did, and asked her to give me a hall pass so I could go to the bathroom. She got mad and refused to let me go. The urge to go didn't go away and soon overwhelmed me and soon I lost all control. I pooped my pants in class. It stunk sooooo bad, soon the whole class was looking my way. Then they called my mom to come get me and I got the rest of the day off of school.
4) I remember coming home from kindergarten one day as I usually did at noon and my mom having opened up a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew and was heating it up on the stove. She sat me down at the table so I could eat it. I had never seen this concoction before and I wasn't about to eat it. It smelled gross, it was brown, and full of weird chunks. She wouldnt let me up until I ate it. So at around two o'clock in the afternoon after I had heard about all the starving children in Africa and how every other little kid loved Dinty Moore, I was still sitting there, staring at my ice cold stew. Then she said "If you don't eat it you are going to wear it." I still refused. I wore it. Over my head it went and she ushered me to my room. I remember distinctly the deep shame I felt as I crawled into my closet and covered my head with my blanket in shame and in stew. I somehow fell asleep and woke up just in time to hear my dads car pull in the yard. I panicked inside and I thought he was going to beat me. When he opened the door to look at me he started to laugh and I was never more relived. To this day I won't touch Dinty More Beef Stew, but at least I'm not a pick eater.
3) When I was in the fifth grade I had an extreme crush on an Iranian girl named Shada and one night I had a dream about her. In my dream she was naked and that is pretty much all I remember about the dream but that was enough. I went to school the next day and while we were on recess I told my very best friend in the world Wally about my dream but I made him swear never to tell anyone. Which he swore never to do. By the time recess was over however, I started getting random girls coming up and asking me about my "Sex Dream" and I was horrified.
2) In 1976 I was a backwoods teen on a wanna be farm in central Michigan and I had never heard of K.Y. before, hell actually I don't even know if it existed yet. I scoured the house too find something slippery too bang my monkey with ( it was just getting too sore dry) I went too the refrigerator one day and then had an epiffiny. Butter!!! It was cool and slippery and worked great! I used it for a couple of months, beating off to pics I stole from my dads porno stash. The only problem was that it had the odor of well.... butter and all my towels were crunchy and buttery. Unfortunately my mom did the laundry and when she got wise she confronted me towel in hand. I had went from teenager too devil in ten seconds. The next day the only cute neighbor lady we had in our neck of the woods came too visit and while I'm in the kitchen with her and my mom, almost immediately my mom said "Guess what my sons been doing" Ouch
And my number one of all time is:
I was a 19 year old virgin that was desperate to "do the deed" I had had a couple of close calls like being naked in bed with my first girlfriend, but alas, we had no condoms so it was a no go. The next girlfriend I had was an Alma College Psychology major. I was sort of her little psychology experiment while she tried to get back with her Ex-boyfriend she was actually in love with. She had two rules for me: No intercourse and no orgasms allowed. She gave me mouth partys, tickled my tummy, ran her fingers through my hair and was an expert with her fingernails. But if I got close finishing, she sent me away. It sucked, literally and figuratively and I only dated her for three months. But still, technically I was still a virgin, and I was desperate to get that monkey off my back.
I started getting drunk and high with my friends after that and started meeting party girls. One girl in particular named Stacy, was a classic "butter face" Body of a model and the face of a Neandertal vampire. Over time she had made the sex rounds with most of my new friends and it was well known that you could get sex from her, if you could get past the face.
We were having one of our nightly beer partys with about twenty or so people at the "Party Pit". It was a crappy old apartment that shared a parking lot with a bar called "the Brewery" that used to host copy cat Hair bands. Stacy happened to be at this party. At about nine o'clock at night somebody suggested that they should drive to Lansing to see the Rocky Horror Picture show and everybody thought that was a good idea. I didn't want to go see it because I was broke so everybody left. Everybody but Stacy.
I was actually living there at "The Party Pit" but I had to sleep in the living room. So after everybody left I broke out my bed roll, turned out the lights, and tried to go to sleep, and Stacy did the same thing on the opposite side of the room. But after ten minutes or so laying there musing about still being a virgin and knowing there was a loose, but fugly girl in the same room with me with the lights off, I got up, walked to where she was lying down and with out a word started feeling her up. At first she resisted a little, but in a few minutes she warmed up to me, and took off the rest of her clothes and I did it!!! I put it in her!!
We were doing it for five minutes or so and I was just about to explode, when I heard the unmistakable thunk thunk thunk of a heard of people walking up the back steps up to the "Party "Pit". I said "Awwwwww Shit" I pulled out, grabbed up Stacy, and sprinted to the bathroom totally naked just as people started piling through the door. She looked at me and was like "Are we gonna finish?" I said "yup" and we did. By that time people were pounding on the bathroom door wanting to know what was going on. I just yelled through the door for someone to hand us our clothes. As soon as we were dressed and walked out the door of the bathroom, one of my friends goes "Can I smell your finger?" It kills me to this day.
5) When I was in the fourth grade as I sat in class one day, the urge to go poo started to overtake me so I raised my hand to get the teachers attention, which I did, and asked her to give me a hall pass so I could go to the bathroom. She got mad and refused to let me go. The urge to go didn't go away and soon overwhelmed me and soon I lost all control. I pooped my pants in class. It stunk sooooo bad, soon the whole class was looking my way. Then they called my mom to come get me and I got the rest of the day off of school.
4) I remember coming home from kindergarten one day as I usually did at noon and my mom having opened up a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew and was heating it up on the stove. She sat me down at the table so I could eat it. I had never seen this concoction before and I wasn't about to eat it. It smelled gross, it was brown, and full of weird chunks. She wouldnt let me up until I ate it. So at around two o'clock in the afternoon after I had heard about all the starving children in Africa and how every other little kid loved Dinty Moore, I was still sitting there, staring at my ice cold stew. Then she said "If you don't eat it you are going to wear it." I still refused. I wore it. Over my head it went and she ushered me to my room. I remember distinctly the deep shame I felt as I crawled into my closet and covered my head with my blanket in shame and in stew. I somehow fell asleep and woke up just in time to hear my dads car pull in the yard. I panicked inside and I thought he was going to beat me. When he opened the door to look at me he started to laugh and I was never more relived. To this day I won't touch Dinty More Beef Stew, but at least I'm not a pick eater.
3) When I was in the fifth grade I had an extreme crush on an Iranian girl named Shada and one night I had a dream about her. In my dream she was naked and that is pretty much all I remember about the dream but that was enough. I went to school the next day and while we were on recess I told my very best friend in the world Wally about my dream but I made him swear never to tell anyone. Which he swore never to do. By the time recess was over however, I started getting random girls coming up and asking me about my "Sex Dream" and I was horrified.
2) In 1976 I was a backwoods teen on a wanna be farm in central Michigan and I had never heard of K.Y. before, hell actually I don't even know if it existed yet. I scoured the house too find something slippery too bang my monkey with ( it was just getting too sore dry) I went too the refrigerator one day and then had an epiffiny. Butter!!! It was cool and slippery and worked great! I used it for a couple of months, beating off to pics I stole from my dads porno stash. The only problem was that it had the odor of well.... butter and all my towels were crunchy and buttery. Unfortunately my mom did the laundry and when she got wise she confronted me towel in hand. I had went from teenager too devil in ten seconds. The next day the only cute neighbor lady we had in our neck of the woods came too visit and while I'm in the kitchen with her and my mom, almost immediately my mom said "Guess what my sons been doing" Ouch
And my number one of all time is:
I was a 19 year old virgin that was desperate to "do the deed" I had had a couple of close calls like being naked in bed with my first girlfriend, but alas, we had no condoms so it was a no go. The next girlfriend I had was an Alma College Psychology major. I was sort of her little psychology experiment while she tried to get back with her Ex-boyfriend she was actually in love with. She had two rules for me: No intercourse and no orgasms allowed. She gave me mouth partys, tickled my tummy, ran her fingers through my hair and was an expert with her fingernails. But if I got close finishing, she sent me away. It sucked, literally and figuratively and I only dated her for three months. But still, technically I was still a virgin, and I was desperate to get that monkey off my back.
I started getting drunk and high with my friends after that and started meeting party girls. One girl in particular named Stacy, was a classic "butter face" Body of a model and the face of a Neandertal vampire. Over time she had made the sex rounds with most of my new friends and it was well known that you could get sex from her, if you could get past the face.
We were having one of our nightly beer partys with about twenty or so people at the "Party Pit". It was a crappy old apartment that shared a parking lot with a bar called "the Brewery" that used to host copy cat Hair bands. Stacy happened to be at this party. At about nine o'clock at night somebody suggested that they should drive to Lansing to see the Rocky Horror Picture show and everybody thought that was a good idea. I didn't want to go see it because I was broke so everybody left. Everybody but Stacy.
I was actually living there at "The Party Pit" but I had to sleep in the living room. So after everybody left I broke out my bed roll, turned out the lights, and tried to go to sleep, and Stacy did the same thing on the opposite side of the room. But after ten minutes or so laying there musing about still being a virgin and knowing there was a loose, but fugly girl in the same room with me with the lights off, I got up, walked to where she was lying down and with out a word started feeling her up. At first she resisted a little, but in a few minutes she warmed up to me, and took off the rest of her clothes and I did it!!! I put it in her!!
We were doing it for five minutes or so and I was just about to explode, when I heard the unmistakable thunk thunk thunk of a heard of people walking up the back steps up to the "Party "Pit". I said "Awwwwww Shit" I pulled out, grabbed up Stacy, and sprinted to the bathroom totally naked just as people started piling through the door. She looked at me and was like "Are we gonna finish?" I said "yup" and we did. By that time people were pounding on the bathroom door wanting to know what was going on. I just yelled through the door for someone to hand us our clothes. As soon as we were dressed and walked out the door of the bathroom, one of my friends goes "Can I smell your finger?" It kills me to this day.
"Sir, You need to get out of your car, there is a train comming."
"Why ummm... uhhh did you ummm... feel the need to errrrr, god why can't I type!!"
"Why ummm... uhhh did you ummm... feel the need to errrrr, god why can't I type!!"