Amusing stories

[Rock Monster]

In the spirit of Queenie's recent posts, I thought it would be fun to start a thread. This is for stories that you find amusing, that may or may not be true.

Here's an E-mail I got a few days ago...

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

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With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up.

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What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

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These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." AND A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

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Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month- a short in the homeowners newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

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For the Main Course A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

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The Getaway A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

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Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

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Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temple sand painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.

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Too Well-Educated In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there,"he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

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Did I Say That?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

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Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around,"said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

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Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you ambulance driver!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

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Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

[krystal]

www.newsoftheweird.com

This site is only updated weekly, but always has some fun stuff.

[Queenie]

All your stories are lies!!! But you know mine is true!!!

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of tooting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

[hotzester]

A father had to pick his 8 year old son up after school. The little boy came out and the father asked, "So how was your day?"

"Good, I guess," the son replied.

"What's the matter?" asked the concerned dad.

"Well," the boy began. "We're doing a play in class and I have to play a part."

"What part is it?" the dad inquired.

"I play the part of a man who has been married for 30 years," said the disappointed boy.

"Aww," the father began. "Don't worry. Next year you'll get a speaking role."

[hotzester]

A young woman comes back from college to spend the holidays with her family. She's nervous to do so, because her family is full of very staunch Republicans, and this young girl has decided that she's a Democrat.

When she arrives home, her father asks her how school is going.

She explained that she had a 4.0 GPA, and that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like many other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her father asked her, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off of your GPA and give it to your friend Audrey, who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea. How would that be fair? I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work. Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She has played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently: "Welcome to the
Republican Party."

[linzi]

+1 That's funny cause it's true.

[Rock Monster]

Instant karma:

http://www.wzzm13.com/news/news_story.as...9&catid=14

NORTON SHORES, Mich. (AP) -- Police say a western Michigan man was trying to push a stolen car out of a snow bank when he slipped on the ice, cracked his head and died.

Norton Shores police identify him as 44-year-old city resident Francisco Gonzales.

Lt. Jon Gale tells The Muskegon Chronicle that Gonzales and a 45-year-old companion were driving Thursday in a car reported stolen in Kentwood.

Gale says the companion told officers he and Gonzales had been smoking crack cocaine and were on the way to the bank to get money to buy more crack when they got stuck in the snow bank.

The lieutenant says investigators are trying to find out if the story is true and says drug tests will be conducted as part of an autopsy on Gonzales.

[krystal]

This was recently in theSeattle Paper.... The title of the article was
"Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male,
in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for
miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a
telephone interview.

Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked
out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in
it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really
into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor
approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I
walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Aylor.

"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with
a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said.....

"A pumpkin..... Shit..... is it midnight already?

[hotzester]

A man was fishing illegally off the end of the dock. At his feet, he had a bucket full of fish. A game warden approached the man.

"May I see your fishing license, sir?" the officer asked.

"My fishing license?" the man quizzically asked.

"Yes, sir," the officer continued. "I need to make sure you're not fishing illegally."

"I'm not fishing," the man explained. "I'm training my pet fish."

"Training them?" asked the game officer.

"Yeah," the man explained. "I set them in the water, and when I whistle, they swim back to me and leap through the air, and land in the bucket."

The game warden was astounded. He'd never heard anything like this.

"They can really do that?" he asked, now intrigued.

"Yep," the man said arrogantly.

"Can I SEE it?" begged the officer.

"Sure," said the man as he poured his bucket of fish off the end of the dock.

"Okay," started the officer. "Whistle and make the fish come back."

The man smiled.

"What fish?"

[linzi]

Mrs. Baker, a sweet little old lady was in the doctors office having some problems with gas.

"I have the worst gas but my farts are silent and have no smell. I must have passed wind 20 times since I've been in here!" she tells the doctor.

So he writes her a prescription, tells her to take 1 pill 3 times a day for a week, and come back to see him.

One week later she returns, agitated with the doctor.

"Those pills didn't help me at all! I still have gas, but now it stinks to high heaven...you've made the problem worse!"

"Alright Mrs. Baker, one problem at a time." says the doctor. Now that we've taken care of your sinuses, we can work on your hearing."

[Rock Monster]

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.


Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[Queenie]

CINDERELLA is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

[Queenie]

How to fail a test with dignity:

[Queenie]

Zesters post in the cooking thread made me remember this. They are funnier if you say them aloud.

The teacher told Pepito to use the following words in a sentence. Pepito's replies:

1. *Cheese*
Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

[Queenie]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident..' The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!' Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.' After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?

[hotzester]

LMAO +1 Queenie.

[beckyp]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident..' The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!' Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.' After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?

uncool.

[sunshyne]

Becky is incognito

[sunshyne]

A blonde and her blonde friend were driving down the highway, going over the speedlimit. They zoomed past a cop and the driver said to her friend "oh no! look back and see if they are following us" her friend looked back and said "yeah, they're following us". The driver said, "are their lights on?" her friend looked behind them again and said "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."

[Queenie]

A blonde and her blonde friend were driving down the highway, going over the speedlimit. They zoomed past a cop and the driver said to her friend "oh no! look back and see if they are following us" her friend looked back and said "yeah, they're following us". The driver said, "are their lights on?" her friend looked behind them again and said "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."

+1!!

[Rock Monster]

Police: Man delivered stolen newspapers for years

Jan 29, 2:16 PM (ET)


PHILLIPSBURG, N.J. (AP) - Police in New Jersey say a man stole stacks of newspapers and delivered them to unsuspecting customers for years. Phillipsburg police say Michael Farrell was delivering copies of the Express-Times of Easton (Pa.) for the last three years. The problem was, police say he was stealing the papers from boxes.

Newspaper officials say the Lopatcong Township man worked in the past as a carrier for the paper. Customers assumed the 53-year-old still did. Some even wrote him a check every month. Subscriber Mike Markle of Phillipsburg, a town about 60 miles west of Newark, says he was satisfied with the service. He never had a problem getting his morning paper.

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20090129/D961036O0.html

[Queenie]

The Top 5 Ways to Annoy Your Co-Workers!


1) Page yourself over the intercom but DO NOT disguise your voice.
2) Send e-mails to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you are doing

[krystal]

In January, the director of the United Nations Office of Drugs and Crime acknowledged that during the bleak banking days of September and October 2008, with panic in the economy over the shortage of cash, often the main source available to some banks was drug dealers' steady deposits of money to be laundered. [International Herald Tribune-Reuters, 1-25-09]

[Rock Monster]

Probably not true, but recently got this e-mail with a few stories:

Bad Luck

1. Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cypriot huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sunk like a stone and drowned.

2. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

3. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

4. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record,his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

5. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen,shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist toward the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his Walkman.

6. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn,Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them,escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

7. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on his letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

[-Jiggy-]

6. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn,Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them,escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

7. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on his letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

If there is a God, these two are true!

[ghstrxn247]

Letter Sent to an Unruly Wal-Mart Costumer (not sure if its legit but its funny)

The Strangest Wal Mart Customer

Dear Mrs. Denner,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away."

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.

Regards, Wal-Mart

[linzi]

Man Of The House

The husband had just finished reading a book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE!" He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "from now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I finish eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "the Effin' funeral director would be my first guess..."

[Queenie]

Man Of The House

The husband had just finished reading a book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE!" He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "from now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I finish eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "the effin' funeral director would be my first guess..."

+1

[Mad Dog]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and
the man looks over at his wife and says:
"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I
bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured
the grill and then went over to where his wife was working
and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the
barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little
frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife, who
completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: " Do you really think I'm going to
fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?