Ask Howie

[Howie Feltersnatch]

I'm sure everybody has issues that they need advice on, so I figured what better person to help them than me. Post a question/problem and I'll try to help you out as quickly and with as little bias as possible.

If you would like to remain anonymous feel free to PM me and i'll post the question and answer on your behalf.


*all posts are subject to mocking

[Titan!]

Dear Howie,

Lately I've been noticing that when I look at girls I get this funny feeling in my privates. Is this normal ?

[-Jiggy-]

Dear Mr. Feltersnatch,

Recently I have been the subject of an internet stalker. As flattering as this is, I don't know what I should do as I am now fearing for my life. Any insight as to how I should handle this situation would be helpful. Please note I am providing a picture of the suspect (edited of course to protect his/her identity).

[potthole]

Dear Mr. Snatch,

I find that I have a massive desire to be with a fireman. Can you help me with this urge?

[Howie Feltersnatch]

I will answer these in order of importance:

Dear Mr. Snatch,

I find that I have a massive desire to be with a fireman. Can you help me with this urge?

Potthead,

Unfortunately I cannot, what I can do is give you a few options to calm your desires.

1) order a stripper gram for yourself.

2) head to a fire station in your area and try to act like you belong in an adult home (see Jiggy's photo for a model) and ask for a tour of the station. While I don't advocate this you could then try to muscle your way into the showers or could simply 'grind' on the hoses and aparatus.

3) craigslist

Dear Mr. Feltersnatch,

Recently I have been the subject of an internet stalker. As flattering as this is, I don't know what I should do as I am now fearing for my life. Any insight as to how I should handle this situation would be helpful. Please note I am providing a picture of the suspect (edited of course to protect his/her identity).

Jiggy,

I have seen this before. The man pictured is clearly a deviant. My suggestion is to get online, find pictures of barely dressed woman/girls throw them on the street and run in the opposite direction. Also, stay away from the van pictured below and any offers to 'photograph you sometime' during 'private shoots' while 'wearing a necktie'.

[0rz0ski]

Dear Mr. Snatch,

Which of the is most delicious? Sesame Chicken, Bourbon Chicken, or Honey Mustard Chicken?

-Hungry in Grand Rapids

[Howie Feltersnatch]

Dear Mr. Snatch,

Which of the is most delicious? Sesame Chicken, Bourbon Chicken, or Honey Mustard Chicken?

-Hungry in Grand Rapids

Hungry,

I'm a big mustard fan, but it's shitty outside, I've had a long week, and I'm coming down with a cold.

Bourbon Chicken hold the chicken.

[Queenie]

Dear Howie:

I don't have a question, but just wanted to take the time to tell you I think you are doing an awesome job. Maybe you could actually get paid for doing the same some day . . . or not. hifty:

Sleepless in Springfield

[Howie Feltersnatch]

Sleepless,

Thanks, but I agree...probably not

[Philly Mike]

If death was a flavor, what would it taste like?

[Titan!]

Dr. Mr Snatch.

You ignored my question. The first person to come to you for advice and you ignored me.

I WILL NOT BE IGNORED !

[Queenie]

Dr. Mr Snatch.

You ignored my question. The first person to come to you for advice and you ignored me.

I WILL NOT BE IGNORED !

I formally retract my statement about you doing a good job. :lol:

[Philly Mike]

Dr. Mr Snatch.

You ignored my question. The first person to come to you for advice and you ignored me.

I WILL NOT BE IGNORED !

I formally retract my statement about you doing a good job. :lol:

But than again you have to remember it is titan who asked. He posts so much that howie probably has him on the enemies list and can't see his post .... or something....

[BWN 7]

Dear Howard Feltersnatch MD,

Lately I've found that my desire to point out the utter idiocy and obvious mental deficiencies in others has overtaken my innate internal muting mechanism, causing many an awkward moment and the occasional physical altercation (especially in public). It is creating a serious problem for me at work, as I work with a collection of hamfisted shitbarns that can't spell their names correctly without looking down at their nametags - and even then sometimes can't do it right. In fact, just the other day a co-worker did something so staple-my-own-dick stupid it was all I could do to not kick him in the junk and slap him across the face at the same time. I hear a constant ringing in my ears now at work, and it lessens when I leave but then I get on the highway and some douchenozzle can't figure out how to merge and causes me to almost ram him off the road and off the bridge to his ultimate demise while I scream obscenities at him and vow that if I ever find out who he is I will make it my mission to find his immediate family members and berate them in a loud, obnoxious pig-latin tirade that would make everyone around them laugh and blush and cry and vomit all at once.........

So should I eat that last Girl Scout Cookie in the breakroom, or not?

[0rz0ski]

Dear Howard Feltersnatch MD,

Lately I've found that my desire to point out the utter idiocy and obvious mental deficiencies in others has overtaken my innate internal muting mechanism, causing many an awkward moment and the occasional physical altercation (especially in public). It is creating a serious problem for me at work, as I work with a collection of hamfisted shitbarns that can't spell their names correctly without looking down at their nametags - and even then sometimes can't do it right. In fact, just the other day a co-worker did something so staple-my-own-dick stupid it was all I could do to not kick him in the junk and slap him across the face at the same time. I hear a constant ringing in my ears now at work, and it lessens when I leave but then I get on the highway and some douchenozzle can't figure out how to merge and causes me to almost ram him off the road and off the bridge to his ultimate demise while I scream obscenities at him and vow that if I ever find out who he is I will make it my mission to find his immediate family members and berate them in a loud, obnoxious pig-latin tirade that would make everyone around them laugh and blush and cry and vomit all at once.........

So should I eat that last Girl Scout Cookie in the breakroom, or not?

It's a Girl Scout cookie. Why did you waste Howie's time with this question? You know the answer already.

[Queenie]

Dear Howard Feltersnatch MD,

Lately I've found that my desire to point out the utter idiocy and obvious mental deficiencies in others has overtaken my innate internal muting mechanism, causing many an awkward moment and the occasional physical altercation (especially in public). It is creating a serious problem for me at work, as I work with a collection of hamfisted shitbarns that can't spell their names correctly without looking down at their nametags - and even then sometimes can't do it right. In fact, just the other day a co-worker did something so staple-my-own-dick stupid it was all I could do to not kick him in the junk and slap him across the face at the same time. I hear a constant ringing in my ears now at work, and it lessens when I leave but then I get on the highway and some douchenozzle can't figure out how to merge and causes me to almost ram him off the road and off the bridge to his ultimate demise while I scream obscenities at him and vow that if I ever find out who he is I will make it my mission to find his immediate family members and berate them in a loud, obnoxious pig-latin tirade that would make everyone around them laugh and blush and cry and vomit all at once.........

So should I eat that last Girl Scout Cookie in the breakroom, or not?

It's a Girl Scout cookie. Why did you waste Howie's time with this question? You know the answer already.

But is it made from real Girl Scouts?

[Titan!]

Dr. Mr Snatch.

You ignored my question. The first person to come to you for advice and you ignored me.

I WILL NOT BE IGNORED !

I formally retract my statement about you doing a good job. :lol:

But than again you have to remember it is titan who asked. He posts so much that howie probably has him on the enemies list and can't see his post .... or something....

He's got 500 more posts than me ! ! !

[0rz0ski]

I agree Philly. Howie blocked Titan. He's a bad moderator.

[Mad Dog]

Dear Dr. Snatch,
I have a good problem Maybe you can help me with. In about three weeks my daughter graduates from highschool, and my child support drops to about half of what it was, in effect, giving me a 300.00 a month raise. Do you have any suggestions as to what I should do with it?

[Queenie]

Dear Dr. Snatch,
I have a good problem Maybe you can help me with. In about three weeks my daughter graduates from highschool, and my child support drops to about half of what it was, in effect, giving me a 300.00 a month raise. Do you have any suggestions as to what I should do with it?

Stepping in on behalf of Dr. FS:

Save up and come to the Springfield event!!

s/Dr. Howie Feltersnatch by Q

[Titan!]

Dear Dr. Snatch,
I have a good problem Maybe you can help me with. In about three weeks my daughter graduates from highschool, and my child support drops to about half of what it was, in effect, giving me a 300.00 a month raise. Do you have any suggestions as to what I should do with it?

Boys night out on you !

[beckyp]

hey, Howie how'd you come up with this gem of a thread?

[Howie Feltersnatch]

If death was a flavor, what would it taste like?

• Black licorice because it is a terrible flavor for anything....

Dr. Mr Snatch.

You ignored my question. The first person to come to you for advice and you ignored me.

I WILL NOT BE IGNORED !

• I will answer these in order of importance:

  
  Titan, yours was ignored for a reason...booya :lol:

Dear Howard Feltersnatch MD,

Lately I've found that my desire to point out the utter idiocy and obvious mental deficiencies in others has overtaken my innate internal muting mechanism, causing many an awkward moment and the occasional physical altercation (especially in public). It is creating a serious problem for me at work, as I work with a collection of hamfisted shitbarns that can't spell their names correctly without looking down at their nametags - and even then sometimes can't do it right. In fact, just the other day a co-worker did something so staple-my-own-dick stupid it was all I could do to not kick him in the junk and slap him across the face at the same time. I hear a constant ringing in my ears now at work, and it lessens when I leave but then I get on the highway and some douchenozzle can't figure out how to merge and causes me to almost ram him off the road and off the bridge to his ultimate demise while I scream obscenities at him and vow that if I ever find out who he is I will make it my mission to find his immediate family members and berate them in a loud, obnoxious pig-latin tirade that would make everyone around them laugh and blush and cry and vomit all at once.........

So should I eat that last Girl Scout Cookie in the breakroom, or not?

• Fistor?

Dear Dr. Snatch,
I have a good problem Maybe you can help me with. In about three weeks my daughter graduates from highschool, and my child support drops to about half of what it was, in effect, giving me a 300.00 a month raise. Do you have any suggestions as to what I should do with it?

• Good Question!,
  
  Listen to the Queen, she's the MVP...also pay for Dr. Howie MD's way as he's broke :thumbup:

[Howie Feltersnatch]

hey, Howie how'd you come up with this gem of a thread?

A Craigslist stripper suggested that I do a "What Howie Thinks" but I went this route instead. A craigslist stripper with big girl balls.

[potthole]

Heartman,

Only who can prevent forest fires?

[BWN 7]

Fistor?

Not sure what you mean - Willie Fistor or Howie Fistor?

[BWN 7]

Dear Mr. Snatch,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? What would you do for a Klondike Bar? And where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

[beckyp]

hey, Howie how'd you come up with this gem of a thread?

A Craigslist stripper suggested that I do a "What Howie Thinks" but I went this route instead. A craigslist stripper with big girl balls.

my chica cojones are bigger than your senor cojones.

[airhornahole]

Dear Howie,

Lately I have had the urge to punch a pig in the face. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but if I hear the word swine one more time, I will go ballistic. What do you recommend?

Thanks,

Sick of the sickness in York

[0rz0ski]

Dear Mr. Snatch,

Should I be drinking Tequila Rose, or Peach Schnapps with vodka right now?

Thanks,
Sober in Grand Rapids

[potthole]

I'll field this one...

Dear Mr. Snatch,

Should I be drinking Tequila Rose, or Peach Schnapps with vodka right now?

Thanks,
Sober in Grand Rapids

Dear Sober,

Dump the crappy Tequilla Rose, and mix up a big thing of the Schnapps and vodka. Add in some OJ with those two things, and you've got yourself an awesome drink.

Sincerely,

Wannabe Snatch

[Opus]

Dear Mr. All that is pink,

I have asked this question of the brightest minds available and they have been unable to provide me with a satisfactory response, so I seek your input on the subject matter.

The question at hand boils down to a simple equation, but it requires quite a bit of explaining.

First we are to define that Money does not equal happiness. Secondly we must define that the government supplies us with the necessary right to be in the pursuit of happiness (right = happiness). Thirdly we must define that the government is made up of the people and is elected by the people. (People = Government)

So with these explanations, Our Rights equal Happniess and since these are provided by the Government which is of the people and by the people, then Government does not equal money.

So why is that the Government has the right spend more than it takes in and bail out companies with money that is clearly not theirs?

[Opus]

Dear Mr. Snatch,

Should I be drinking Tequila Rose, or Peach Schnapps with vodka right now?

Thanks,
Sober in Grand Rapids

You should be drinking fuzzy balls.

1 Shot Jaegermaister, 1 Shot 100 Proof Hot Damn, 1 shot Red Bull.
(Yes it sounds gross, but it actually tastes very good)

[Titan!]

Wow you really suck at this Howie.

[0rz0ski]

Dear Mr. Snatch,

How do I avoid turning into Bridezilla?

Bitch Bride to Be in GR

[zdunklee]

Dear Dr. Feltersnatch, OBGYN,

I was wondering how long it takes for the song Piggy Flu to get out of a persons head? I have been stuck repeating and am beginning to go crazy. What is your suggestion for solving this delima?

No More Piggy Flu in GR

[Howie Feltersnatch]

Heartman,

Only who can prevent forest fires?

• Potty,
  The masturbating bear can probably help, mostly because I think he's great!
  

Dear Mr. Snatch,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? What would you do for a Klondike Bar? And where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

• Bwn,
  
  Stick to what you do best...suck on it . I would kill a man for a klondike bar. With the demise of her show and computer programs, Carmen was forced to take up a job stripping at a low rent town's strip bar where the girls are forced to wear 'pasties', True story.
  
  linkey: http://maps.google.com/maps?source=ig&hl...668849681#

Dear Howie,

Lately I have had the urge to punch a pig in the face. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but if I hear the word swine one more time, I will go ballistic. What do you recommend?

Thanks,

Sick of the sickness in York

• Sick,
  
  I hear ya, but don't blame the pigs...punch the mingers. Having raised pigs and growing up on a farm I know that pigs are smart, tough, and can be quick. If you do decide to punch a pig in the face, they'll likely knock you down and either bite/pinch you with their mouths or will tea-bag you with their giant pig balls, and then you'll have swine flu.
  
  
  
  

I'll field this one...

Dear Mr. Snatch,

Should I be drinking Tequila Rose, or Peach Schnapps with vodka right now?

Thanks,
Sober in Grand Rapids

Dear Sober,

Dump the crappy Tequilla Rose, and mix up a big thing of the Schnapps and vodka. Add in some OJ with those two things, and you've got yourself an awesome drink.

Sincerely,

Wannabe Snatch

• Nice one Potty and Opus!

Dear Mr. All that is pink,

I have asked this question of the brightest minds available and they have been unable to provide me with a satisfactory response, so I seek your input on the subject matter.

The question at hand boils down to a simple equation, but it requires quite a bit of explaining.

First we are to define that Money does not equal happiness. Secondly we must define that the government supplies us with the necessary right to be in the pursuit of happiness (right = happiness). Thirdly we must define that the government is made up of the people and is elected by the people. (People = Government)

So with these explanations, Our Rights equal Happniess and since these are provided by the Government which is of the people and by the people, then Government does not equal money.

So why is that the Government has the right spend more than it takes in and bail out companies with money that is clearly not theirs?

• If you have already asked some of the brighest minds...did you really thing a cow chasing firefighter would be able to help you anymore?
  
  I will post this picture that proves everything that I know about money and women.
  
  

Wow you really suck at this Howie.

• Titty,
  
  shoot me another try

Dear Mr. Snatch,

How do I avoid turning into Bridezilla?

Bitch Bride to Be in GR

• Bitchy Bride,
  
  You have the right to be a bit of a stressed out bitch. I've heard of ladies who demanded their bridesmaids grow their hair out, get it cut a certain way, or find ways to cover up tattoos (a sea turtle specifically). There is a fine line between controlling evil bridezilla bitch and stressed bride....on that I have no effing clue where that line is...see my reply to opus and women. Try not to stress on your squeeze to be as you'll have plenty of time to hate on him and yell at him if/when you give birth to his children

Dear Dr. Feltersnatch, OBGYN,

I was wondering how long it takes for the song Piggy Flu to get out of a persons head? I have been stuck repeating and am beginning to go crazy. What is your suggestion for solving this delima?

No More Piggy Flu in GR

• I was about to say that I haven't had any problems with the song getting stuck in my head...but as I started my response the show decided to replay the clip. So my answer is by the time Joe's first silly giggle is heard your brain is doomed untill Joe does something equally as giggly/retarded.

[Philly Mike]

howie

okay so with the swine flu on the rise. as are gas prices, milk, eggs and all other products available. Not to mention the fact that we are in a huge depression, and the world is getting hotter every year, and then there is the fact of unemployment and the lack of healthcare, not to mention that there is a good number of kids who can't find the US on a map, and the kids in the UK think winston churchill landed on the moon, or they just don't know where the moon is. On top of this we have e coli outbreak after e coli outbreak with our food anymore, and more and more people are just getting sick from cancer, and autism is on the rise.

With all of this in mind... What are your thoughts on fruity pebbles, are they really better than the amazing cocoa pebbles?

[Howie Feltersnatch]

howie

okay so with the swine flu on the rise. as are gas prices, milk, eggs and all other products available. Not to mention the fact that we are in a huge depression, and the world is getting hotter every year, and then there is the fact of unemployment and the lack of healthcare, not to mention that there is a good number of kids who can't find the US on a map, and the kids in the UK think winston churchill landed on the moon, or they just don't know where the moon is. On top of this we have e coli outbreak after e coli outbreak with our food anymore, and more and more people are just getting sick from cancer, and autism is on the rise.

With all of this in mind... What are your thoughts on fruity pebbles, are they really better than the amazing cocoa pebbles?

Nothing is better than cocoa pebbles...nothing. The only thing that could make cocoa pebbles better is a beej

[Titan!]

Dear Mr. Snatch

What's a beej ? And does your wife refer to herself as Mrs. Snatch ?