A Christmas Story...

[landmammaldolphin]

In the spirit of Christmas and the FB & HW show, add the next line/lines to the twisted Christmas poem:

Twas the night before Christmas
I had just turned 23
I got drunk on Jack Daniels
And pissed on the tree

[linzi]

My family was passed out
Some sprawled on the floor
And I almost threw up
on my sister, the whore

[Queenie]

Ma in her nighty,
Pa in his thong
I knew right away
that something was wrong

[landmammaldolphin]

I opened the window
And what did I see
A really fat bastard
Staring at me

[linzi]

His clothes were old and torn
His breath smelled of beer
"Hey Fatty,"I said
"What the eff you doing out here?"

[hotzester]

He laughed and he chuckled
Then he started to dance
He asked for a dollar
To stick in his pants

[Mad Dog]

He bent at the waste
Then gyrated his hips
He looked through his knees
And then licked his lips

[dingdongyo]

i slammed the frame shut
and stared through the glass
he looked back with his eyes
and the hole in his ass

[imatoolhed]

i stared and i shivered
he started to shout
that poor little dog
he was trying to mount

[landmammaldolphin]

I grabbed my old shotgun
And loaded a shell
"I'll shoot that M-Fer"
I started to yell

[hotzester]

He ducked and he covered
As he turned to say
"I'll get you, you bastard!
You win today!"

[landmammaldolphin]

He left in a hurry
He flew out of sight
But forgot his toy sack
on that wonderous night

[Queenie]

I opened the bag
and what did I see
no toys, but "adult" gifts
was he leaving them for me?

[landmammaldolphin]

A big rubber donger
A nighty with lace
I was a little embarrased
And got all red faced

[linzi]

I looked through the sack
sex toys and sex games
I went through them all and called them by name;
A dildo, a rabbit, some lube and a whip
Body paint, and some handcuffs, hey I'll use these on Chip!!!!

[dingdongyo]

i had to keep digging
to see what was there
"santa came?" said the kids
stumbling downstairs

[landmammaldolphin]

Now to this question
I had to reply
And as I explained
They started to cry

[hotzester]

"No," I began
"Santa won't come this year,
But I'll be more lucky
Thanks to all this stuff here!"

[Queenie]

The kids began to scream
with tears in their eyes
"That stupid fat effer
and his big bag of lies"

[hotzester]

But I didn't care
As I went to my room
With all my new toys
Which replaced my broom.

[landmammaldolphin]

But it didn't feel right
Well I felt kind of gay
And the kids were all pissed
Santa just had to pay

[landmammaldolphin]

So we packed up the kids
And we packed up the Jeep
We were heading up North
To beat up that creep

[hotzester]

When we got to his house
We stirred not a soul
And found Santa was busy
Atop the north pole!

[Queenie]

"Come down" yelled Ms. Claus
"You are going to get hurt"
"I really don't want to", he said
"Unless you lift up your skirt"

[landmammaldolphin]

He was cutting it down
As if Christmas was gone
I was still pretty mad
but something was wrong

[hotzester]

As I turned to go home
To leave Claus with himself
Titan was there
Fellating an elf.

[Queenie]

No, no yelled Dr. Stupid
That is my job
Why don't you go home
and play with your B.O.B.

[landmammaldolphin]

We drove home in the dark
And we saw up ahead
A deer in the road
With his nose glowing red

[hotzester]

The story's quite long
But that is alright
For me and the kids
Ate deer steaks that night

[vsangelchick]

With bellies all full
kids back into bed
the hubby leaned closer
and asked for holiday head

[Titan!]

Hotzester said "No!"
"Let me suck that cock"
Then took off his shoe
and spit the jizz in his sock

[Biff]

Hotzester said "No!"
"Let me suck that cock"
Then took off his shoe
and spit the jizz in his sock

This isn't the sort of thing we're looking for here. Please don't do it again.

[Biff]

As I turned to go home
To leave Claus with himself
Titan was there
Fellating an elf.

This one was just pointed out to me........that's not the sort of thing we're looking for here.

[Titan!]

Really ? Since you didn't start this thread Biff, are you really sure what "we're" looking for here ?

How about some of these lovely gems ?

I got drunk on Jack Daniels
And pissed on the tree

My family was passed out
Some sprawled on the floor
And I almost threw up
on my sister, the whore

I was going to point out that pretty much ALL of the posts in this thread have some sort of raunchy sexual tone to them, but I got bored with the copy and paste pretty quickly.

8-) Awesome Moderating Biff, totally F'ing awesome.

[linzi]

What's worse, calling my sister a whore or going down on an elf or some random dude? I didn't mention any bodily fluids...and who hasn't gotten drunk and pissed on a tree? It ain't Christmas until someone drinks themselves silly....or cries.

[dingdongyo]

biff warned us again
and titan threw fits
anastasia piped in
and the game turned to s---

[linzi]

biff warned us again
and titan threw fits
anastasia piped in
and the game turned to s---

8-) THE END!!! 8-)

:o that was a good story.... :o

[Biff]

Titan, in his absolute brilliance, cannot differentiate between a subtle or thinly veiled sexual theme and "suck a cock". But I'm the idiot, right?

You're right Titan. In fact, I'm voting for you as forum MVP from here on out because, by gumby, you've earned it.

[Queenie]

I'm Gumby Dammit!!

[Titan!]

Hotzester said "No!"
"Let me suck that cock"
Then took off his shoe
and spit the jizz in his sock

Sooooo.... for those of you who are keeping score...

This particular post made me go from a 1% "warning" to a 25% warning.

however this post :

Really ? Since you didn't start this thread Biff, are you really sure what "we're" looking for here ?

How about some of these lovely gems ?

I got drunk on Jack Daniels
And pissed on the tree

My family was passed out
Some sprawled on the floor
And I almost threw up
on my sister, the whore

I was going to point out that pretty much ALL of the posts in this thread have some sort of raunchy sexual tone to them, but I got bored with the copy and paste pretty quickly.

8-) Awesome Moderating Biff, totally F'ing awesome.

THAT post got me banned....

So that would lead us to assume that typing something akin to "suck my cock" is worth a 24% increase in your warning level

BUT

Criticizing Biff and the moderators is worth a 25% warning increase and a 5 day ban.

Soooo...

Hey Biff how much of a % increase is this ?

F you see kay you.

in fact... F you see kay you up your stupid ass .


is that worth another ban ?

more time off for me ?

kiss my ass sideways a-hole.

This board has a lot of potential, but with you in charge 99.9% of that potential is flushed down the toilet.

all my love bitch.

Titan