Porn Reviews by DiggityDog (Pro for hire, in demand)

[diceisgod]

I'm shooting for playwriter now... here's a shameless CTRL C+V job but completely awesome noneda.

My first screen play. My second victim. It's fuckin long therefore your loyalty & devotion will thusly be tested, ie your chances at becoming a salaried posse member, ie your future job which would include & end with co-reveling in my inevitable wealth, opulence & starpower, ie your ability to find fuck buddies on late night Cinemax movies verses the local personal ads of pooled filth...or.....ie your chance to click away and be normal & sane. So swim with the shark or watch him, mauled or mauling, as this is this:

So we need a main character first. So let's create one and let's call her....let's say.....Meka...yes that works good. Also, we need a protagonist to rival our heroine, so let's call her.....maybe....Pre-Platinum Blonde Meka. We're all set now let's go:

The Pre-Platinum Blonde Meka vs. THE Meka

Let's say for instance there is a certain tribute site dedicated to the hypothetical Queen and Pioneer of the Porn Industry, Meka the Lovely. Now, let's pretend Meka finds this hypothetical tribute site one day, notices the firesale of her copyrighted goods of her goodies & brand name, wants blood and eternal damnation on the tribute founder(s), and then... Tah-dah!....then here comes Pre-Platinum Blonde Meka (played by yours truly, thank you very much....hypothetically of course... teehee) who just so happens to be on the scene when it goes down and decides to save the day and "mediate" these troubles involving cloudy & complicated copyright Internets legal issues. Below is some hypothetical dialog and maybe (and hopefully) this hypothetical concept of my play here may play-out further in my mind as set and unfolding in the public websphere of said hypothetical tribute site....or will it???

Act 1: Have a Merry Fuck Meka Christmas

Random fan giving kudos to tribute site: "AMAZING tribute to Meka. While I do enjoy her official one, I do find this to be a better site."

Meka: "It sucks as it is a rip off of my name MEKA and everything I have tried to do for years. Tribute Site Founder should burn in hell for ripping me off this way. If you really want the true facts about me MEKA you should go to MY site ..... MEKA"

***Tah-dah! Pre-Platinum Blonde Meka is in the right place at the right time...hypothetically.

PrePlatMeka: "I am pre-platinum blond Meka & I give my blessings to this shrine. I wield such authority - though I was less business savvy, poorer and less famous - as I was the better porn star & f'd like I meant it - though shit overdubbing ruined most films pre & post." (Note: reference to the fact that O-Dubbing was pandemic of earlier porno films in general not just the hypothetical Meka)

Tribute Founder (summary): ***long defense and expression of hurt feelings and legally baseless arguments to justify aforementioned firesale***

Comments fused & morphed from tribute site supporters: "You gots a terrifico blog! It rock! Meka doesn't have copyright on her stuff, yes no? Congrats and keep up great work! Blah blah blah

Meka: "I do have Copyrights to some of my films and YES I do own the copyrights to the photos because for one reason you took them right off of my site, bucko, because they were some of my private shit & from mags - which you are screwing too ie. my copyrights but theres as well. You are still a BIG RIP and your info is not TRUE at all on most of what you say in the bio here. You should at least check your facts, Jack, when commenting on my jack material as I own copyright to my photos & my name: MEKA and you own jack"

MEANWHILE.... Re-Enter the Pre-Platinum Blonde Meka! This is like the bizarro world Superfriends meets the People's Court as the players here unabashedly admit that they jerk off regularly to smut while others fuck with supernatural endurance on camera for a living. Whatever it is, we are making hypothetical real-time legal fucking history in the history of fucking whether we're in the Hall of Justice or on Krypton just before it explodes.

Pre-Platinum Blonde Meka: "As I am the Pre-Platinum Blonde Meka, THE PORNSTAR I have already trumped the latter Meka, THE BUSINESS WOMAN and in general declared this Shrine cool. Though arguments can support her thesis, I also think maybe her proposed sentence a bit harsh though also justifiable as well. Rapidshit is a straight file sharing piracy-enabler and in fact major tool & player in this ongoing criminal activity & conspiracy. You have clips and scenes linked to and accessible from this site to that site - in fact yesterday I grabbed the blablah scene (as I love that hypothetical little petite blonde biscuit)

(Some deleted comments per irrelevant false-alarm tech issue)

So moving on, one can probably buy these clips & scenes off her site OR grab them here for FREE - Well have a Merry Fuck Meka Christmas, thank you very much. Therefore, her rage maybe not so absurd anymore, no? Well that's my take. Sincerely, Pre-Platinum Blonde Meka"

***Boombingback comes Pre-Plat as it's caveat time and we wrap it up and see what happens in Act 2....

PrePlatM: "Sorry, as I may be mistaken per the techmnical file issue above though my particular legal arguments & assessment are cock-solid I think. Further, I think you should have a heart-to-heart with that other Meka as she could if she so wishes (and probably with great relish) have your site & balls strung up in a legal twist, vice-grip, and rippem-straight-fuckin-out-from-the-roots manuever if she so chooses. I hope it doesn't come to that - that is we lose this hypothetical site completely as I would barter your balls for it's continued existence if I could...nothing personal. Sincerely, Pre-Plat Meka"

Act 2: Server Error

The server encountered a temporary error and could not complete your request. Please try again in 30 seconds.

Pre-Plat: "Looks like someone gets to keep their balls. Oh well."

-The End-

Act 3: Balls Back on the Block - After author's/agitator's hasty assumptions earlier

Back in business as this hypothetical site is indeed still hypothetically alive however precariously it (& other things) lingers under the ginzu's edge. Well, since my previous failure & mistake, determination remains and is bolstered by cruel experience and the once stoppered now indulged & ejaculating personal satisfaction in the dolings of said cruelty + mischief, so let's see if we can kick this hypothetical situation into overdrive. But first let's wrap ourselves in the warm woolliness of nostalgia & praise before the full moon unleashes the hypothetical mauling & drooling gape:

(per my earlier comments, see Act 1)
Tribute_Site_Guy: "Thanks for the comments Pre-Plat! Drop me a private entry in the guestbook with your email. I have something to tell you."

Tribute: *long hypothetical public entry on hypothetical site indicating peril & a questionable future - asks Meka for verdict, next steps, and basically says (most funny) 'now I know I am fucking Meka merrily but that said now I can say I said it having made no positive steps at resolution & correction as there they are for all the world to plunder and maybe I will encode another scene or two so what was the issue again?'

Yeah, save it for the judge, slappy. So let's dive:

PrePlat: "Incidentally, I actually love ALL of Meka goofy bleached hair and all. But the phenomenal coincidences that enabled me to jump in the middle of this, act like a dick, slam Meka at least metaphorically if not the impossible ideal, and maybe give her some kind of real visceral jolt - hatred though it may be - was too awesome a prospect to pass up. Didn't mean the whole pornstar/business crap but I needed it to be sufficiently cruel & realistic for desired effect - however minimal, if it even worked at all. So anyway I felt this within my rights, this small revenge, as she is responsible for the fact that I and even Tribute_Founder WILL indeed be in Hell and burning and it will be her fault whether or not she wished it or not. Sincerely, Pre-Platinum Meka PS. Trib_Foun: Here use this email if you want(and then, maybe edit it out for me after you snag it, thx):XXXXXX"

****A quick inspiration & follow-up (i.e. thought of a good line, needed to work it in within context, pretend I care & being casual & etc, not make it seem forced & deliberate & steeped in sinister motive & etc, etc......ya'll know how I roll by now.

PrePlat: "By the way, how funny would it be if that wasn't THE Meka? How funny would it be if maybe it was actually....maybe.....me for example? I wish, as it would be a Top 5 acheivement but wait....or am I now just blowing smoke again to continue the charade?? Hmmmm....These here Internets are muddy waters indeed. But anyway I just wanted to add that as I love ALL of meka and get Minda-Movelace-like tingles from most she did, but the Pre-Plat version launches Spuntnik on July 4th everytime. Sincerely, PrePlatinum Meka"


***I was feeling the warmth of this cozy nostalgic spoon session indeed, but as I surf a bit on this hypothetical site there it is..... I see it.......I twitch...... & double-take...... and then.....*screech of agony*.....*painful tranformation*......*blood-curldling HOWL*.......it's on bitch and the following explains and is equally powerful in coloring the jovial 8 shades darker then blood-thirty red for lack of a full moon...hypothetically:

Meka: "If you really knew anything about me you would not have printed this CRAP as more than HALF it it is Wrong. BY THE WAY MOST OF THE PHOTOS YOU ARE USING OF ME I OWN AND THEY ARE UNDER MY COPYRIGHT AND OWNERSHIP AND I WILL SUE YOUR CRAZY ASS.ASK ANYONE INT THE BUSINESS BECAUSE THEY KNOW I WILL.IT IS A FREDERAL OFFENCE. PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR WHAT I HAVE ON MY SITE ARE A BUNCH OF SCUM BAGS AND NEED TO HAVE YOUR ASSES KICKED FOR DOING THIS KIND OF SHIT.
meka(THE REAL HYPOTHETICAL MEKA NOT THIS CRAP YOU HAVE POSTED)"

***To put this comment into it's correct isolated context realize that though still cunty it does not follow the prior conversation train & was in a completely hypothetically separate section of said hypothetical site under which had about a dozen or so of large glossy scans of a what I assume to be a hypothetical magazine shoot back in the day. Anyway, window of opportunity, arsenic + koolaid + stir time:

PrePlat: "One of my fav scenes that I downloaded for free here was the one where Meka is bitching at the carpenter guys, first to her husband when he gets home: "They couldn't even FUCKING nail the FUCKING nails into the FUCKING boards right."

Then the flashback to the guys working outside then into the living room. My fav highlight was the one rant about the previous night's orgy or whatever: "Yeah they broke my FUCKING table. Do you guys think you can fix this before my hypothetical husband gets home? They were FUCKIN' on it. FUCKIN' right here on my FUCKIN' table. Do you believe that? Four people FUCKIN' & SUCKIN' right here on my FUCKIN' table?"

PrePlatinum Blonde Meka was such a gutter mouth and I loved her so much for that. Anyway, that post up there got me hard & all sentimental & shit. So I think I will check out and jack to my fav free Meka tribute site clips.

Sincerely,
Pre-Platinum Blonde Meka"

Well frederal indictments & warrants, paulice raids, & dantective surveillance aside, this is one of the best hypothetical real-life scenes of any play out there, so I sez anyway. Wonder what that dude will hypothetically email me? Will let you know next Act.


Act 4: boombingbye- Snuffed - Aaaaand that's a hypothetical wrap!

'Nuff said

Email from Tribute-site-operator: "I've no idea if that is the real Meka... But it wouldn't surprise me... Don't ask me why. However, we both know that anonymity and pseudonyms go hand in hand with the internet:-) Your name isn't preplat and mine certainly isn't blah! LOL!!! This is the sixth tribute site in ten years... I have no doubt there will be a seventh."

Email to Tribute-site-op: "Cool. Thanks & will check it out. Hope no hard feelings. Just trying to provide (though "colorful") a reasonable, honest & objective view & opinion, but maybe you are right in that it being just as well to 86 it. But maybe if Meka (if even her) is receptive & open to our anarchist political & (primarly) economic ideology & preferences, then maybe (and after Hell freezes over) it has a shot at a future. If I get to Hell before these negociations are complete, I'll see what I can do! Take care! Sincerely, PrePlat" (Note: thanked him for link to suggested classic site which I omitted - probably find Davy Jones locker or better there I'll bet)

Back to tribute site back & forth (which is kinda concurrent with above):

PrePlat: "Hey guy, you seem ok, genuine, sincere, yadda-fuckin-yadda though seemingly maybe none-to-bright in the heat of this jerk to your prideful sensibilties by her (though justifiable) targeted personal anger & venom. As such a swell chap, I just wanted to suggest MINIMALLY and as an act of good faith to her, maybe taking down the pirated vid links at least (though I love them). Telling her there are errors in arcane textbooks isn't gonna score any points or prevent potential legal castrations - site related or otherwise. Just a thought. -PrePlat"

***The above "arcane textbook" reference was due to prior defensive rant by tribute-site-op in addressing "Meka"'s claims of an inaccurate bio blurb omn this hypothetical site. Trib-guy said something like there being errors in a just read, ancient 3 volume history book - quite amusing and I don't post directly as maybe some issue with website copyright laws which of course is totally insane and ridiculous in light of the situation, but as you will soon see & further it's also a soon-to-be moot point since it will be like "What site? Where?" fairly soon....and hypothetically. Here it comes:

Public post replaces previous one, the "all hands abandon hypothetical ship" call:

Tribute-Site-Op: "Final bow! If it means dissecting this blog just to keep it going... well fuck it! I can't be arsed. You're not going to find such rare material anywhere else for free, so download what you can guys. This site is going bye-bye..."

PrePlat: "Final boombingblow I sez."


-The real, un-hypothetical end

Btw the boomboombull is a re-branding issue, another board, another screenname, another market vector, & coo-coo-kah-roo!

[GonzoStyle]

Seka's Fantasies

I find much of Seka's films very dull. I find the overdubbing and poor editing distracting and a lot of the time it just seems to me that Seka is just going through the motions - like she thinks that if we just get to look at her that's enough then it's just hump this, suck on that, and then finally she sits back & gets her royalties. So why bother here? Well, some like Seka for one and completely disagree with me. But for me, Chris Cassidy is the correct answer. I LOVE Chris Cassidy. She is a blond not so busty Kay Parker as far as my estimation goes and fortunately (unlike other great obscure classic actresses like Tina Louise/Tracy Walton) she has TONS of movie credits though she is often the "side piece" ie the chick they cut to for a scene or two to give the main star a breather and a swab-it-out.

In this particular Seka collection, there is one scene with Seka & Cassidy that I love. It essentially starts as a taboo RAPE scene (Seka on Cassidy) and then lust takes over, it turns consensual, and into some pretty cool lesbo action (though I could do without the dumb dude on the bed pulling his pecker and talking shit). On the hole and the whole Cassidy is great and does all (man or woman) with passion. She is another one of the elite few who look like they love their job in so far as how hard they might be able to cum & make cum verses how big of a bigshot they might become. So this is evident in this particlaur scene with Seka and the fact that it is with Seka (the bigshot herself) is something special in and of itself. Hell, there is even another scene featuring both with a couple of guys that I could also do without seeing. -DiggityDog

Scene 6 as marked in the index will land you on or near the scene I described but there is plenty here throughout to enjoy for the unquestioning & devoted Seka zombie.

Such memories, I remember vividly the very first time I actually ejaculated from masturbation. All those years of simply rubbing my penis cause it felt good and finally I was producing stuff like all those dudes in film. But anyway, the first time was actually to a Seka video I stole from work.

[Goatweed]

hi Pal.

[diceisgod]

So SimonScans.com is what one would call an "erotica" type site I guess. I joined it solely & only because they had some broad I had been searching high and low for a while and there "Mona" was. Happy guy. I promised no one but the voice in my head that I would kindly join such a site that could provide more content of her other than the same damn thing - seemingly the be all & end of her Internet presense previously. Irrelevance aside, I kept my promise to myself and joined as it was $100 USD for 6-mos access (ie. the only option with no recurring & periodic 'let's fuck people in the ass' credit card charges and auto re-subs, etc).

My two still unanswered emails to their support staff below tell the rest of the tale. So join this site at your own peril if you even f'n heard of this "top adult site" per the following & prefaced by the two laughable blurbs on their site pasted below:

One of the things we take seriously at Simonscans, and hopefully one of the reasons we remain one of the top adult site is that we listen to what you say.

Also see this whooper from the FAQ:

How do I contact customer support?

Fill out the form here and a human will respond ASAP, but within 24 hours. We are UK based and don't work well without sleep, so replies will generally be within hours, but from 00:00 GMT to 07:00 GMT may take a little longer. You can use this form for anything from general questions to specific problems. Try to be as specific as possble with nature of the problem and include a way of identifying you in the database - Email, name and username are best. You may also be able to answer some questions for yourself by reading down the FAQs, but don't feel inhibited in contacting us anyway, your feedback and input is always appreciated. Oh and if you are aren't a member at all and would like to ask a question before joining, feel free to do that as well.[/url]

Emails one & two follow finally - also the latter being time-stamped TWO days latter

Autoresponse below from my submission in their support email form - which appears to have been cut off. Did it all go through or was it cut off past line 2 before it made it's way to them? I love having to worry about this Micky Mouse stuff already by the way.

Email from robot:

----- Original Message -----
From: "Simonscans Support"
To: tripb@blah
Sent: Sunday, October 14, 2007 7:10 AM
Subject: Re: [Ticket#XHWBLAHSHDIODOJ] SS support query


Thanks for your e-mail. A new ticket has been created.

You wrote:
>
> Name: BBB
> E-mail: <!-- e --><a href="mailto:[email protected]">[email protected]</a><!-- e -->
> Username: B3
> Comment: Per Mona<!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="http://www.simonscans.com/models/365.html">http://www.simonscans.com/models/365.html</a><!-- m -->)
>

Your e-mail will be answered by a human asap


My follow up/reply to this email:

Hello,

This email that I sent below doesn't appear complete ie there was more to it then what is listed there. What I want to know about is in regard to the model named Mona. Specifically, I am requesting that you folks fix up and
upload what was filmed during her two solo sessions in Prague in 2005. If no film, what a terrible waste and in fact a disgrace. Sure, there are copius pictures I will admit and am grateful.. In fact, there are so many pictures (not just for Mona but all models) that if one downloads one of those zips, opens, and then flips through real quick, it's almost like a seemless, realtime scene in some parts. Anyway, this is a kind of pointless though also interesting observation in that it demontrated how thorough the respective phoographer was. I am hoping such diligence included he/she to have a tape running throughout - and why they aren't already on the site is the next comment as they should be up soon after the shoot in my opinion.

With all due respect & as I'm sure your site is comparable or better with
the many other solo/new model type sites out there, I think you guys really need to step it up regarding videos. Digital photos just aren't going to cut it and hold my business beyond the next 6 mos which I subscribed. In my view, it's 2007 and video is where it's at. Pic galleries were excellent - that is 7-8 years back when most had dial-up. Now we are truly on the info highway, moreso Autobahn really as there are no more excuses for not having ample video content available and easily accessible. Moreover, the market is so flooded with nudie pics that one can just go out and grab most anything they want and not pay you $100 - if I was even interested in pics in the first place as I wouldn't waste my time even to get the freebies. Anyway....

NEED VIDS. Many more, for all sessions past, present, & future (and most
importantly the one with Mona). Chicks diddling, thrashing and cumming like the world will end in an hour - this (& this being of exceptional quality) is why (& only why) I might choose to pay someone for their unique content. Moreover, I only joined your site because I accidentally
tripped over as you featured this Mona person as she is impossible to find outside her one scene where she is called Diana in another solo performance. Therefore, if you folks can through up some vids of her two sessions of dildo and diddle work etc, that would be most excellent & appreciated, but if no such footage exists then I would have serious questions of your orgs professionalism.

Lastly and this is a relatively minor gripe, in one of her galleries Mona has these absurdly ugly boot on (hiking boots?). Whoever the photographer was that conceived that should really lay off the angel dust. She looks ridciulous in those boots. What's wrong with someone who let's that happen? So that's it and thanks as again I would really like the vids of those sessions spliced up and uploaded and the quicker you folks can do that for the rest of the ladies, the better. And if there was zero video taken during ANY of these photo sessions with all your models,. then good God one needs to ask what is going on over there??

Thanks for your time.

Best Regards,
bbb

Email Autoresponse #2 - Cut off again!

----- Original Message -----
From: "Simonscans Support"
To: bbb
Sent: Wednesday, October 17, 2007 11:00 PM
Subject: Re: [Ticket#sfgsgsdgsgsdgsdg] SS support query


Thanks for your e-mail. A new ticket has been created.

You wrote:
>
> Name: trripb
> E-mail: blah
> Username: trip
> Comment: Any progress/comments per Ticket#HDGUDISDKDJDHD?
> Sent on: Sent: Sunday, October 14, 2007 7:10 AM

Your e-mail will be answered by a human asap


Follow up reply to optimus prime or whatever the little autobot's name (with due praise though!):

Yes, humans and asap is good. By the way, does your comment box for
submitting these type emails through the support email form on the site
cut-off everything past line two? See email below by the non-human, timely SS employee. That was a four line email and the forward there only shows two. That's kinda eyebrow raising, no? Ya know, I think you should really consider sending the $100 I paid join right to Mona because so far she is the shining beacon in a very confused & foggy storm that is raining all over my first impression of your site. Do you sell umbrellas too?

Regards,
trip

So on a four star rating system, I would have to thus far give simonscans.com a reciprocal big fat cock right back up their own ass.

[diceisgod]

New personal fav I think....review-wise that is:

Talking for You! #2

This is an amateur solo rub-one-out flick which in my mind follows the standard formula: one of the girls shines, the rest embarrass themselves. As I know that it takes quite a bit of courage to put yourself out there like that which is admirable, endearing, & yadda-fuckin-yadda, this does not mean critical asylum - amateur shithouse production or no. So I will take one at a time and give you a quick first impression. If no further than first impression then you'll see why they always make a big deal out of the first impression in the first place. Per my standards at least, in such films if you suck in the first 10-15 secs you have given me zero evidence that you will be any better to be worthy my next 7-12 minutes or what have you. So here we go: 1) Caprice - She's laying on her bed and telling me she is laying there with her pussy. Now 'pussy' is a good word and in this context - it's mint. However, she manages to F that up because she is holding in her arms a nice toy stuffed PUSSY cat. Get it? WOW. The dialog quality then plunges to the almost insane: "Do you like almost....everything I do?" Not even close to almost, sweetie...in fact a NO from Neptune is still not near far nuff...or somethin'...ne-way...NEXT. 2) Misty - I felt like I was being served by an extremely lazy, banged up waitress as she lie draped across that little arm chair with a bruised up arm and basically recites the entire menu, the specials, & the soup of the day: "Would you like me to show you my tits first or blah or blah or blah?" BLAH. 3) Airyan Michaels - I'd say this gal was a robot as she looks over to her right every other second to what I guess are cue cards (?) as she.....speaks....like....this....so....I ....clicked...over...to....4) Jade - FINALLY. Something to watch and friggin' good. Damn friggin' good in fact. Jade's a minx and she can work a cooter & a camera. WATCH HER. Worth it in fact one might say she is the only one worth clicking on in this vid since...5) Olivia STINKS!. After a ham-handed "OH it's you! HIYA!!!" rap she says something like: "Your cock is really really really big. I didn't realize you were so hung". Right. Well, I have better things to do than have my intelligence insulted. GOOOOD DAY TO YOU, DEAR! -DiggityDog

Scene 4 is Jade's turn. Watch as she is in the 90-95% awesomeness percentile with only a few cliche douche chill moments like the cheesy: "You like that?" - as it oddly reminded me a bit of Edith in the old sit-com All in the Family for whatever reason. Fuckin' weird. But returning now from far left-field, I believe she more than makes up for the 2-3 stumbles and just kills the spot, steals the show, and demonstrates that it is indeed hard but still possible to soar like an eagle & rub your pussy when you work with turkeys. Good job, Jade! Everyone else, not so much. And to answer Jade's questions per her set (though I think she was probably just being nice): YES I would like to suck your tits & YES I would like to fuck your pussy. So if you were serious please look me up (hey, it never hurts to ask). As for the rafter/bale/dule/posse/death-row/brood or to use a perhaps easier custom collective noun: the gobbling gaggle, I still wish you well despite your solo performing inadequacies and hope you are happy, healthy, & further I advise you watch your asses as Thanksgiving is not too far off.

[diceisgod]

Hilarious developments per SimonScans as my frown remains and actually twists to a war-snarl:

No reply so far so I try a different move as the site enables one to post comments under various entries. The latest one I saw was relatively recent 10/15 and responded to by someone named "Simon" who I assume the topdog. My comment:

Mr. Simon,

Good day, sir. I am a new member here and I have some info to share and I apologize as this is not the correct channel to communicate regarding these matters however the correct channel is nonresponsive and apparently a deadend - if it has a startend to begin with.

Your support email webform must be malfunctioning or overseen by someone less than reliable. Please take a look at the inbox of this email address: xxxxxxxxxxx. Hopefully, my emails I had sent there are there though unopened & unnoticed, and please let me know what you think (if not there I will forward). If anything written therein makes sense or sounds reasonable or you feel worth countering or responding, I would look forward to reviewing & digesting. Also, perhaps I could take your response and add it to my review of your site on one of my regular boards here (if this link doesn’t show up, I’ll send via email or something): xyz.com

As I am a harsh reviewer, I am also fair and would prefer giving you a voice to my criticisms and a further a chance to turn my frown upside down.

Best Regards,
b3

.....

LMAO as I think they kicked me out as I can't log in anymore. What a bunch of bloody hilarious & incompetent cowards. And if my CC gets charged, Simons says sue their limey asses or better yet write reviews on EVERY board I can register and then I REALLY take the gloves off like it's Boxing Day everyday, you cocksucker you if you read this.

[diceisgod]

Let's connect the imaginary dots from post above to.....

PorGirls.com - This site is an example of the beauty of simplicity that is if you get past it's unorthodoxed name which one more impatient, picky, & cruel than myself might encapsulate & enclose as the beginning & end per the site's window of opportunity for a positive first impression. Fortunately for them though I think all such people are in prison or dead, without Internet access, & without a porn budget, hence PorGirls exists & I hope they are doing well (at least I hope they don't file for bancruptcy and shut down over the next 3 mos per my sub). So as I was saying - simplicity: You log in & here are the small thumbs pics of all our girls, click one, and here are the pics & the vids. Also, here is a sub-section of chicks with just pix. As unfortunate this lack-of-vids mini-trend I've noticed is (per just two sites...teehee) it seems to be a "get used to it"-deal as well as commonplace & regular feature on many such sites AND FURTHER a touchy subject plus unnerving & insulting to even bleeding bring up to certain delicate little bloomin' flowers who operate such sites (*coughscan*). Though not PorGirls, of course, who I give the benefit of the doubt regarding gritty heteromasculinity, critical receptivity & overall professionalisminity. I joined this simply beautiful simple site for 3 mos @ about $60 (despite unsavory automatic CC re-bill/re-sub/re-enroll being the sole option). So, back to simplicity as I explained & now again to refresh & refocus per bigtime sidetracks.

There are 3 main pages I believe which lead one right to the gravy. No bullshit & to summarize: 1) Login 2) "MAIN" page of model thumb pics linked to respective chick's pic/vid content & further at the bottom of MAIN is a link to the...3) "sub-MAIN" page containing thumbs of "side-chicks" categorized thusly & I quote: "only pictures of sweet teens & amateur babes." I love simple and I love their model stable which includes some of my favs & personal demi-goddesses like: ZOE (!!! - though only pics, I'll take it since no idea she was even featured), Kathleen (!! - AKA Aubrie/Margo with vid & two pic galleries), Diana (! - AKA Mona from another dreadfully managed & captained site compared to Porgirls who has a pic gallery AND a solo VIDEO (<<<Seeeee, new friend? VID is where it's at, you stagnant professionally stale Poloroid Droid Site operating sonov...OK enough - for now), and Daria (who has pic gallery & vids galore as I believe she is listed under like 3-4 different names here none her own. Maybe she was one of quituplets or sextuplets? If so great if not whatever as more of her is simply beautiful). So given those girls right there alone: I'm there, I'm in, and as I explore further I'm sure there will be one or a few that will stir the juices.

So now I need to be a bit of a big rude "meanie", frighten the small children, make the women & the womanly cry & huffy and list some of my bitches as I have a few but overall am happy with this Halloweenishly named "PorGirls" thing (yeah that was an awfully awful stretch but seriously what is up with that name anyway? What does it mean: 'porgirls'?? Well it's weird & whatever, now go ahead & kick me off your damn site now...) First & foremost, vid quality leaves MUCH to be desired and this basically puzzles the shit out of me. Let's take my alarmingly-oft-mentioned honey Diana/Mona as the example. Go to these two sample galleries featuring her vid: PorGirls Sample & 18onCam Sample. Same video, drastically different quality - the first being grainy & awful compared to second. So we have a case where two different sites have the same scene so maybe there is site affiliation? Co-content-ownership? Whatever the case may be, I want the better copy and not just for her (though especially) but for ALL vids....please (<<<an attempt at politeness to save my ass & make this subscription last a bit - but seriously many other vids I've seen thus far are of similar chincy quality & that sucks, guys, c'mon now!)

Lastly, there is the omnipresent porn scourge & pandemic known as: Cameramanitis. Webster defines the property of some vids where you have some dude behind the camera (probably the owner in this case and this is where I get tossed out but F it) that just doesn't know when to shut up and "when" is precisely & exactly sub-defined: from the moment the filming starts & the camera is pointed at the chick til the absolute end, douche. But seriously, guy, give us a break. Nobody wants to hear you. Nobody wants to know you exist in fact as you're not funny, you're not smart, you're not cool, & you're not witty. Leave that to the professional premium pornsite/VOD reviewers and just pick-up. point, and shoot like a good little monkey, ok, as it's almost like throwing shit but easier. For a specific example of how to destroy what might have been the best vid out of their whole friggin lot, see Adrianna's scene sample vid #4 specifically. As this again might have been their best, hottest vid with who I feel is clit-for-tit THE hottest girl with a vid on the site - remember now, Zoe's feature is just a pic gallery no vid & also please note while the first 3-15 sec vids in Adriana's linked samples are 'silent' with respect to (wrt) dude (a complete misrepresentation of this scen btw), the latter part of the fourth vid & associated assinine comments & unnecessary interjection is indeed a better example of how this vid goes down throughout & consequently downhill. Anyway, this Adriana gal is just amazing looking and this guy behind the camera thinks HE'S the hothorseshit star. It's so fucking frustrating...ARG!! So lastly for real this time they for real need to zip up those photo galleries and link as one now needs to painstakingly go one by one by one by one etc to grab 100+ photos for Kathleen/Aubrie which is a big pain for real but I really do like the site overall and want to end on a positive note despite the run-on sentence and lack of commas (as from what I've been told I suck at comma placement anyway so best to omit) as here it comes as promised prefaced by kudos to this weird little obscurely named simply beautiful & designed "porgirls" thing and finally and most cheesey it's time to complete similarly bad set-up with similar and actually much much worse pay-off: positive note.

PS. Maybe it's lucky that circumstance didn't entail me emailing Porgirls support staff and never getting a reply and then ultimately booted & banned unjustly. That is, lucky for them maybe per this resultant relatively glowing assessment of their service & not so much maybe for others. But at least I'll hopefully get my $60 worth wrt my rightful time of access plus the already decent quality & scope of the content - and newer as updates they claim to add every Friday which is nice and SIMPLE yet again. However, this maybe not so much the case per other sites that piss over my shoulder and tell me it's a Hurricane - actually they don't tell me shit, no email, no support, so no mercy henceforth here, my new bestest buddy & running gag throughout all I write forever friends. THE END - DiggityDog

[diceisgod]

Another, a quick email to hedge my bets as I may be wrong:

Well hello if this makes it through. I can't logon to your site per my purchase as confirmed below. I will first assume there is yet another issue with your support/site so please ignore all that follows as they are my alternate (and I admit, more likely I think to be the case) suspicions and no offense and apologies for misfire. However....

Now to cut the bull, I think maybe there are hurt feelings & ruffled prideful sensibilites per my sharp but constructively (& to the wise & serious professional valuably) critical emails per your company's poor responsiveness to support queries and other aesthetic issues. Therefore & in light of sleepless nights, teary eyes & trembling hands, you have used my posting on the site (ie my only way to be heard) as a pretext to ban me or cancel my account. This if fine, however, please make sure you credit me my sub fee and then we can live our lives forever in jovial ignorance and free & unhindered by any well-thought-out professional criticisms & associated heartaches. Further please send me notice of said crediting too, thank you. Otherwise, I guess you got a new pen pal as I have all sorts of great ways you can run your business that I'd love to share with you daily or more frequently if we really hit it off.

Regards,

[diceisgod]

V

Headline news: THE WAR IS OVER

Below is response per my email to them: the support at ss.com & their billing agency- First one from my fav robot ever I think as I LOVE NEW TICKETS!! Man, am I gonna miss that little rascal!:

One:
Thanks for your e-mail. A new ticket has been created.

Two:
Dear Customer,

The owner of the website refunded your purchase on 2007-10-21 02:21:40 AM. This will cause your subscription to expire today. If you still want access to the website just resign up for it.

Well, I have issued a cease fire and the opponent has complied with my demands and signed my heavily-skewed-in-my-favor & Neoliberally&NAFTA-like-and-slanted treaty which as such treaties & their acceptance have historically demonstrated - and just to be even more cruel and souless I state & explain ahead in an American Indian accent: Me from USA, Me take your resources (in this case new-found free "Mona" pics) & THEY gets ZERO other than whatever local ecological, economic, and/or psychological scarring I happen to cause per my associated pillaging & plundering process - though witnessed yet sheepishly accepted & ignored as long as the corporations make a profit, etc.

But seriously, I had an unfortunately tough time with these blokes over there in the beautiful UK. Chance & cricumstance came together to serve both the site and myself a big fuck-you sandwich. Therefore, please don't base your entire research of SS.com on my rantings, imperialism, and skull&bones-duggery. So have a go! As their lot would say.....



(but if they blow, don't say I didn't warn you....so here it is.......*warn*)

-THE END-

[diceisgod]

Ok, let's not end it then. I'm game:

Can this get any better? I'd say just short a "404" browser display error..... nah!! (but I am hopeful).

So here's an email & subsequent chain from SS support that is a day late and 100 dollars short. Yeah, good morning, bud! Welcome to the 3rd rock from!

Emails from support (1) with a forward msg from support rep (2) & then my verbose four-bagging, upperdeck homerun reply (4):

Email 1:
"Thank you for your request. Please scroll right down the page for our
response."

Email 2:
"At last you have told us what the problem is!
Are you getting any sort of error message when trying to log in?"

Email 4:
Just WOW is all I got but I'll stretch myself to hopefully serve as a positive role model for what I assume is a glaring lack of said such on the other side of this hilarious email message I just got. So here it comes but first.....

Hey guy, welcome back from far-left field or from the great blue yonder or where you were or maybe I'm wasting my time as you are still in orbit somewhere or mad or all three per this way-late, out-of-context, & now-irrelevant response I was just forwarded:

"At last you have told us what the problem is!
Are you getting any sort of error message when trying to log in?"

Dude, I have been sending email after email with painfully detailed explanations of my "problem"...plural actually, and now here's another per your smart-assed reply though this does explain much per the other "problems". So when you land finally from whatever Zero-G jaunt you are on or were, please realize I am no longer a member there as: I have gone over your head - as granite bloulder-like and bone-breakingly thick & dense as it is & I have taken care of all, all by my lonesome & unsupported self. So don't worry nor go to any more trouble!

Further, I think it timeto perhaps finally get the ole' shoulders squared up with the sometime-smelly postierior business end of things, and also I extend congrats as you & your bungling "out of the blue" & "after the fact" email has given me excuse enough to re-open and expand my review of your site (with much sado-relish I might add, see link below). I appreciate that and further suggest you not forward me shit-head emails like this again as we are DONE businesswise - NOT a member there, here ie me,...NO more.....well whatever, you hopefully get it as it's all........ (need to reconnect thought per side-track here)..... - per your type of inattentive, un-dilligent, unprofessional & none-following-up-on-emails-that-apparently-don't-state-problem-but-its-actually-your-malfucntioning-support-email-forms-fault lot.Cheers!

Oh and here is where you can learn how great you are: xyz.com

Lastly, I think that my "piece de' resistance" regarding site reviews and I have you to thank...so yeah....thanks!.

Best Regards,

[Galt]

So have you pinpointed what was the catalyst over the last few years that resulted in you being 30, single, unemployed, likely having gained 30 pounds in the last 5 years, sitting in your own filth whacking off to video on demand, "battling" nameless webmasters who ignore you, and posting your trials and tribulations on numerous messageboards, and responding to yourself since no one else is reading it?

I'm assuming you have a pretty good idea where you went wrong.

[diceisgod]

So have you pinpointed what was the catalyst over the last few years that resulted in you being 30, single, unemployed, likely having gained 30 pounds in the last 5 years, sitting in your own filth whacking off to video on demand, "battling" nameless webmasters who ignore you, and posting your trials and tribulations on numerous messageboards, and responding to yourself since no one else is reading it?

I'm assuming you have a pretty good idea where you went wrong.

That's the ole' pepper! Welcome back!

[diceisgod]

By the way, if you could only smell me right now then you'd really be able to appreciate, as I, the true genius & accuracy of your dart-throwing armchair psychological profiling skills.

[Galt]

If you were to actually tell the story of your various false and eventually rock bottom which has made you the pathetic wretch you are now, it would absolutely be the most (only) interesting thing you've written in the last year.

[diceisgod]

Irish or Scottish? 40-something by now maybe, right? No matter - as cancer cuts through both like a hot knife as I'll post your suggestion after your future landmark & Jesus-finding life event, trama, & associated sob-story when you best-friend/old brother hits the family plot post-torturous chemo/cancer thrashings, Mr. Well-Adjusted-Slick-Ass-Whose-Shit-Appreciated-Though-No-Match-Try-Again-See-Ya

[diceisgod]

Well this rare surge of blood through the nuts here has inspired so I will play the part of the just-psychologically bullseyed & smells like a dumpster guy with a shortie with a morale. Consider it like a gift for the aforementioned blip of creativity by a guy who afterall is obviously one of my biggest fans - since he obviously doesn't come here to post less a full moon and of course follows that he certainly doesn't come here to be creative (or socially enrich himself which is a joke you'll get maybe soon as well as realize the futitily of such efforts) - though aside from just before that lightning strike up there earlier. So it's proven: He comes here to read my BS. How cute and I am touched.

So as smelly & wretched as I am, you can't call me an ingrate or ungenerous as I give you the following for you to you. Here, you:

A Brother & a Half: A New York City Tale

Scene: Older bro's friends gathered and conversating just before night out with the respectively malignant & socially-malformed Mass duo (Enter: Friend 1 & Friend 2).

F1: "Is tumor face coming around tonight?"

F2: "Yeah and he's probably bringing that tart brother of his AGAIN, that mutt. Poor fuckin guy, serves as the lil wanker's social shoehorn into our previous pleasantness. Little does he know we silently resent him & HATE the tag-along little cuss. Tell me how ironic is it the whole cancer-tumor fate thing?"

*laugh track*

F1: "Yeah, nice one. Anyway, it must suck having to drag around the prick & apologize for him & pretend to love him & so on."

F2 "Yeah but think of the kid and what he has to live with...yes of course....I get it...the whole "for now" gag..... nice, but for right now I mean himself not his soon-to-be-suffering & snuffed sib.....So just imagine if your best friend was your older brother? What does that say? I'm sure the 'tart could tell us as he is a clever word-twisting little shit, I give him that much."

F1: "Yeah poor dude and that must be an even greater hassle for ole' lumpy nuts&asshole...I mean aside from that impending 6-10 months of agony, the death girgle, the death rattle, & then the express trolley to worm tunnel-ville."


(10 years go by post cancer's residual social snuffery & resulting isolation...thank god for DIG & VOD)

Galt: "Geez, I'm glad that loser wrote all these spot-on & brilliant VOD reviews before he blew his brains out after I was cruel to him as I'd be sifting through a scowl of shit right now to get to anything decent outside the squirting & gay foot fetish categories . Honey, waddle your one-legged ass over here, suck on this for me, then click to scene 2, & then we'll go bail our tart son out of jail."

And so forth. Now, I dunno being somwhat prejudiced & non-partial, but I'd say that's one of the more brilliant things I've written up there over the past while. But as for the morale of the tale, Galt's psyche assessment is 100% right - though he couldn't spot a frustrated genius artist if one came up his ex-heartbreaking & cheating girlfriend's squirting snatch, punched her in the face, made a cage with her bones, & all the while whistled a tune by Warren Zevon just before joining them both minus a right-side of a face & skull.

-The End -

Sorry I don't have a bow and I agree I could have at least wrapped with tinfoil but I got my own scowl of shit to sift through per the morale & inspiration & fuck you.

[Galt]

early 40s? No. no. That's Arpi.

I am pretty sure I'm younger than you.

Just because I've already accomplished and seen more of the world that you could see in 10 years, doesn't mean that I'm 10 years older than you.

And Warren Zevon sucks.

[diceisgod]

You know what else sucks? People with piss-poor reading comprehension. But maybe it's just a tough morning at the office? I hope it's the latter as I'd hate to lose respect for you. I find hating people I respect much more personally fulfilling than the wholesale hatred I have of the less interesting majority.