Me = Future Star (and you can say it all started here, knew)

[diceisgod]

I am in negotiations right now to be both:

A) The Mike Sloan/Jeff Gross of UFC.com - I will get Sherdog for unlawful IP banning, I will see them subjugated to my rapist's wit and decimated by my fusionable & fissionable literary phonetics
B) The Gene Siskel of porn - first secure free unlimited VOD as their film reviewer & later parlay it into a multi-million dollar contract. I'm causing vapors, now I'm doin capers, because it's all about the papers.

Actually A has no chance and I might as well yell my proposal down the street, but I think we got a serious chance on B - ongoing correspondences, samples being analyzed, conditions set. Out of tribute to this board and being such good sports by allowing me to dump my brain, cut my teeth, and practice my chops (I've been banned from like 5 boards over the past couple months - via baseless, unfair, & sometimes manufactured pretexts of course, that is unless being smarter than someone is a legitimate excuse - now granted I then called that someone and his/her mother a cocksucker but nonetheless unfair), my moniker as a reviewer and/or analyst with be "DiggityDog" if I can help it. My fame and riches, our private joke. Who sez worthless knowledge and insanity never helped anyone?

[Galt]

You realize you are going to have to review gay porn too, right?

[diceisgod]

You realize you are going to have to review gay porn too, right?

Biggity diggity.... BAM

Apologies for the repetition. Not trying to rush or bother, but I wasn't sure which email to send this so I wanted to be as diligent as possible to give myself the best possible chance. Further I wanted to add one final caveat per my proposal below. I won't do gay films or hopefully not even accidentally click on one. Not that I have anything against them, it's just that I do have something against projectile vomiting....blood.

Regards,

[Galt]

I'm most looking forward to the crushing letdown which will ensu when you find out that the thing you've been pinning your hopes to in order to lift you up out of your most recent doldrums falls to pieces, and you don't get the job.

[diceisgod]

I'm most looking forward to the crushing letdown which will ensu when you find out that the thing you've been pinning your hopes to in order to lift you up out of your most recent doldrums falls to pieces, and you don't get the job.

I knew I liked you for a reason. That cunt hasn't totally lobotomized your balls I see.

[Galt]

Nothing's ever going to get better in your life.

[diceisgod]

Yeah, thanks for the newsflash. It's like I'm 12yrs old all over and crying in my room cutting myself.

[HedCold]

do i get some sort of credit for encouraging more porn reviews?

[diceisgod]

do i get some sort of credit for encouraging more porn reviews?

I will make oblique references that only you will understand, Matt. The doorway to my success must at least have a place to wipe my feet.

[HedCold]

but, my name isn't Matt

[diceisgod]

I take it back. I will make oblique references that NOBODY understands. Anyway this is all pointless. Pretty soon I will be fucking porn stars and everything else will be white noise.

[Goatweed]

will we get to preview the reviews here?

[diceisgod]

If more than you gives a flip, I'll just link to them in a thread or something - if it even happens & they get back to me that is. I think galt's right though, they might want the homo stuff done up too and in that case fuck it, I'll just keep paying my $50 for 600 minutes each day like everyone else.

[diceisgod]

Nipples larger than a silver dollar and/or darker than a cockroach make me fucking sick.

Just a thought that might come in handy one day.

[diceisgod]

So, I think we might have a deal! Some guy emailed me and told me he gave me 600 minutes and to email him what I do this week. However....

Someone, who I am hoping is someone other than that dude (diff email addy), sent me some fucking criticisms and in essence called me an ass. Well, this unwholesomeness can't stand and I might have to take 600 minutes out on someone's "ass" indeed:

Dude (& Another Person?),

I appreciate and am looking forward. I will do a good job for you and hopefully add some value and pizazz. However, I have a couple comments per this one message from that other email and after reading my spiel if you have any reservations or wish to cancel this then no problem, we can just carry on our traditional "paying customer-vendor" relations.

The email states (as you can see from the forwarded email further down):

"They should be a little longer and you should try and not be too negative.

Your personal tastes should not be involved. If you hate anal but it is a hot anal scene that is how you describe it.

You cannot be an ass. That is not what people want."

In regard to "longer", no problem, I will make sure they have sufficient content, a bit more to them then the ones I did "off the cuff" as you saw. Moving on and to what might be an impasse: What is considered "negative", "an ass" or "hot"? It's a tough question to answer because it is all relative and subjective to individual human experience. I have a certain style that I won't try to censor or change. Again, because human perceptions and tastes are indeed so subjective I think it's futile to try to do so and it's not worth our time to debate. I will do this: proceed as comes natural but with forethought and not so much "off the cuff" heat as you read in the examples you have seen. If you are not satisfied by what ever personal parameters you have in mind to judge my work, then we either discuss further - with specific suggestions & criteria and if I am agreement with said cond. & crit., then I adjust - if I don't find it reasonable and spurious and vague like that up there, then I just become a regular customer and all is well. Though I'm not too keen on filters regarding the subjective (or "art"), I do recognize the need to keep within certain reasonable limits. Since this is indeed porn, I think it's a potentially wonderful outlet because it is intrinsically, seemingly borderless regarding "right" & "wrong" & "limits" & etc. My hope is that the "limits" of that what is acceptable or not or whatever else in porn, translates and runs parallel to what I will be able to do for you. THAT is why I proposed this idea to you; the free time is nothing to me (but please don't misunderstand it is greatly appreciated). It's about the chance to do something different, cool, and in the flesh pool. Does that sound reasonable?

So anyway, I really appreciate this oppt, (if it still exists upon reading this) and am looking forward to proceeding. I shall carry on as planned unless I hear otherwise. As you requested, dude, exactly 1 week from today (9/26/07) on Oct 3, 2007; I will forward my completed reviews and carry on from there. Let's rock!

Now all I need is Dana White to reply and I am in like a dirty movie.

[diceisgod]

1024 Minutes Remaining.

My free time is still there but I will give this 24 hours before I claim victory. Free VOD, with nearly unlimited, lifetime potential. Beat that. I could scam the panties off a nun, but seriously I will be the world's first renowned pr0n reviewer. People will turn to me and my columns to know that bears do indeed piss in the woods. Producers will send me broads to try to buy my approval & glowing reviews. Now I know what Tony Montana felt like looking at that blimp.

[HedCold]

seriously, just a little credit?

[Galt]

After that email, you will never hear from that guy again.

A rambling, incoherent "I'm right, you're wrong, I'm going to completely ignore your feedback, and you'll realize that I'm right after you read this" is not quite the response he was looking for.

[The Jays]

That, and, calling an opportunity an "oppt" doesn't help the cause. I was hoping maybe a cdih.net plug, get some fresh blood in here.

[diceisgod]

I make my own rules. I still have +1000 mins. If I don't hear from him then I continue and do as promised this week, until the minutes stop being replenished or disappear before then. If they were looking for a monkey to write cookie cutter reviews that "have nothing to do with my personal tastes", then my dick, their mouth, they connect the dots. BTW there is nothing incoherent about that email except for a stray "I" somewhere I believe. If you read that and say you don't understand it, you're trying to bust balls or you suck at reading. And so what if I use some short cuts, couple miss spellings, etc. I ain't applying for the CEO position and see my first sentence here.