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Ted Nugent, the rock singer and hunter/naturalist,
wrote the following editorial upon hearing that
California Senators Barbara Boxer and D. Feinstein
denounced him for being a "gun owner" and a "Rock
Star". This was his response after telling the
senators about his past contributions to children's
charities and scholarship foundations, which have
totaled more than $13.7 million in the last 5 years!!

A Bad American - Ted Nugent

"I'm a Bad American - this pretty much sums it up for
me. I like big trucks, big boats, big houses, and
naturally, pretty women. I believe the money I make
belongs to me and my family, and not some midlevel
governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who
wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out
babies. I don't care about appearing compassionate.

"I think playing with toy guns doesn't make you a
killer. I believe ignoring your kids and giving them
Prozac might.

"I think I'm doing better than the homeless. I don't
think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

"I have the right not to be tolerant of others because
they are different, weird or make me mad. This is my
life to live, and not necessarily up to others'
expectations.

"I know what SEX is and there are not varying degrees
of it. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. But if you want to
that's fine; I just don't feel like everyone else
should have to.

"I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy Queen
shake, a pack of cigarettes, or hotel room, you do it
in English. As of a matter of fact, if you are an
American citizen you should speak English. My uncles
and forefathers shouldn't have had to die in vain so
you can leave the countries you were born in to come
disrespect ours, and make us bend to your will. Get
over it.

"I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry
butt if you're running from them after they tell you
to stop. If you can't understand the word 'freeze' or
'stop' in English, see the previous line.

"I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a
shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

"I know how to count votes and I feel much safer
letting a machine with no political affiliation do a
recount when needed.

"I know what the definition of lying is, and it isn't
based on the word "is" - ever.

"I don't think just because you were not born in this
country, you qualify for any special loan programs,
government sponsored bank loans, etc., so you can open
a hotel, 7-Eleven, trinket shop, or any thing else,
while the indigenous peoples can't get past a high
school education because they can't afford it.

"I didn't take the initiative in inventing the
Internet. I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny.

"I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.

"I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy
Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that
doesn't mean I want to listen to that crap from
someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light.
But I respect your right to.

"I think that being a student doesn't give you any
more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack
In The Box.

"I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words
light, or fat-free on the package.

"Our soldiers did not go to some foreign country and
risk their lives in vain and defend our Constitution
so that decades later you can tell me it's a living
document ever changing and is open to interpretation.
The guys who wrote it were light years ahead of anyone
today, and they meant what they said - now leave the
document alone, or there's going to be trouble.

"I don't hate the rich. I help the poor. I know
wrestling is fake. I've never owned, or was a slave,
and a large percentage of our forefathers weren't
wealthy enough to own one either. Please stop blaming
me because some prior white people were idiots - and
remember tons of white, Indian, Chinese, and other
races have been enslaved too - it was wrong for every
one of them.

"I believe a self-righteous liberal Democrat with a
cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an
attitude.

"I want to know exactly which church is it where the
"Reverend" Jessie Jackson preaches; and, what exactly
is his job function.

"I own a gun; you can own a gun, and any red blooded
American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you
use it in a crime, then you will serve the time.

"I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every
penny he made and continue to make more. If it makes
you mad, then invent the next operating system that's
better and put your name on the building. Ask your
buddy that invented the Internet to help you.

"I don't believe in hate crime legislation. Even
suggesting it makes me mad. You're telling me that
someone who is a minority, gay, disabled, another
nationality, or otherwise different from the main
realm of this country has more value as a human being
than I do as a white male. If someone kills anyone,
I'd say that it's a hate crime. We don't need more
laws! Let's enforce the ones we already have.

"I think turkey bacon, turkey beef, turkey fake
anything sucks. I believe that it doesn't take a
village to raise a child-it takes a parent with the
guts to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say
"NO!" when it's necessary to do so. I'll admit that
the only movie that ever made me cry was Ole Yeller. I
didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a
kid.

"I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or
be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs
and opinions. I thought this country allowed me that
right. I will not conform or compromise just to keep
from hurting somebody's feelings. I'm neither angry
nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the
mainstream media would like the world to believe
otherwise.

"Yes, I guess by some people's definition, I may be a
bad American. But that's tough."

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This space for sale.

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Just about any unsourced list of witty observations about our politics and social mores gets credited to humorist George Carlin these days, even when it doesn't really sound like anything he would write. Carlin may sometimes use the format of stringing together a few dozen pithy comments about a wide variety of topical subjects, but the tone of his humor is nothing like this reactionary piece. If any doubt remained, Carlin himself swept it away by announcing on his web site that he is not the author of the article.

If not Carlin, then who did write it? This piece has also been credited to a number of decidedly conservative, outspoken media figures, such as rock star Ted Nugent, talk radio host Rush Limbaugh, and actor-comedian Denis Leary, but the even if the article may seem to echo the political opinions of these men, it doesn't quite match any of them, nor does the language used sound quite right for any of these figures. (Leary, like Carlin, has been credited with creating some other Internet favorites, such as a vituperative discourse on e-mail chain letters and the "Are You Man Enough?" essay.

This essay appeared in the FreeRepublic.com on-line forum back in September 2000 under the title "I Am a Bad Republican" (picking up title changes and additions since then as it was forwarded around the Internet), and the person who posted it there has taken credit for it in a recent message in that same forum.

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