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 Displaying 1-25 of 28 messages in this thread. |
| Posted By | Discussion Topic: Crew Slut | ||||
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| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 04-03-2002 @ 12:33 PM |    | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01  | Central Scrutinizer: But one night, at the Social Club meeting Mary didn't show up . . . She was sucking cock backstage at The Armory In order to get a pass To see some big rock group for free . . . Larry: Hey Hey Hey all you girls in these Industrial towns I know you're prob'ly gettin' tired Of all the local clowns They never give you no respect They never treat you nice So perhaps you oughta try A little friendly advice And be a CREW SLUT Hey, you'll love it Be a CREW SLUT It's a way of life Be a CREW SLUT See the world Don't make a fuss, just get on the bus CREW SLUT Add water, makes its own sauce Be a CREW SLUT So you don't forget, call before midnite tonite The boys in the crew Are just waiting for you You never get to move around You never go nowhere I know yer prob'ly gettin' tired Of all the guys out there You always wondered what it's like To go from place to place So, darlin', take a little ride On the mixer's face Be a CREW SLUT Just follow the magic footprints Be a CREW SLUT Hey, you'll love it! Be a CREW SLUT It's a way of life I ain't gonna squash it And you don't need to wash it! CREW SLUT Hey, I'll buy you a pizza CREW SLUT Of course I'll introduce you to Warren The boys in the crew Are only waiting for you Larry: Well you been to Alabama, girl, 'N Georgia too 'N all the boys in the crew Is bein' good to you I know you're sayin' to yourself "This is the way to go" 'Cause when you need a little extra They will give you some mo' 'Cause you're the CREW SLUT Mary: I'm into leather . . . Larry: That's good! Road Crew Chorus: CREW SLUT Larry: A lot of the boys in the crew Love leather . . . Mary: And rubber . . . Road Crew Chorus: CREW SLUT Larry: Yeh, they like rubber too . . . shrink-tubing With a hair dryer . . . Road Crew Chorus: Trade your spot on the bench For a guy with a wrench And be a CREW SLUT Mary: Ha ha ha . . . Larry: You like that, huh? Road Crew Chorus: CREW SLUT Larry: I told you you'd love it . . . It's a way of life! Road Crew Chorus: The guys in the crew Have got a present for you! Mary: A present for me? Larry: We got a present for you! Mary: Whaddya got? Whaddya gonna give me? Larry: It looks just like a Telefunken U-47 You'll love it . . . Mary: With leather? Central Scrutinizer: Eh errr, eh eh . . . This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER again . . . And so MARY was enticed away from JOE By an evil barbarian with a wrench in his pocket Lured into a life of SLEAZERY With the entire road crew of some Famous Rock Group (I don't know whether it was really Toad-O . . . I don't know . . . I'll check it out) Again we see MUSIC Causing BIG TROUBLE! Anyone? :-D  NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 04-05-2002 @ 8:27 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | Flies all green and buzzin', in this dungeon of despair. Prisoners grumble and piss their clothes, and scratch their matted hair. A tiny light, from a window hole, a hundred yards away, is all they ever gets to know about the regular light in the day. And it stinks so bad, the stones been chokin', and weepin' greenish drops. In the room where the giant fire puffer works, and the torture never stops. The torture never stops. Slime and rot, rats and snot, and vomit on the floor. Fifty yoogly soldiers, man, holdin' spears by the iron door. Knives and spikes, and guns and the likes of every tool of pain. And a sinister midget, with a bucket and a mop, where the blood goes down the drain. And it stinks so bad, the stones been chokin', and weepin' greenish drops. In the room where the giant fire puffer works, and the torture never stops. The torture never stops. The torture.. the torture.. The torture never stops. Flies all green and buzzin', in this dungeon of despair. An evil prince eats a steaming pig, in a chamber right near there. He eats the snouts and the trotters first. The loins and the groins is soon dispersed. His carvin' style is well rehearsed. He stands and shouts: All men be cursed! All men be cursed! All men be cursed! All men be cursed! And disagree? Well, no one durst. He's the best, of course, of all the worst. Some wrong been done, he done it first. And it stinks so bad, his bones been chokin', and weepin' greenish drops. In the night of the iron sausage, where the torture never stops. The torture never stops. The torture.. the torture.. The torture never stops. Flies all green and buzzin', in this dungeon of despair. Who are all those people, that he's locked away down there? Are they crazy? Are they sainted? Are they zeroes, someone painted? And it's never been explained, since it first it was created. But a dungeon, like a sin, requires not but lockin' in, of everything that's ever been. Look at her. Look at him. That's what's the deal we're dealin' in. That's what's the deal we're dealin' in. That's what's the deal we're dealin' in. That's what's the deal we're dealin' in. No takers out there? Christ. NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| JackDan1974 | posted on 04-06-2002 @ 3:59 PM | | |||
| O&A Board Regular Registered: Jul. 01 | I thought this would be about Pamela Anderson Lee, as she fucked half of Motley Crue. Gee I wonder if that had anything to do with Vince, ant Tommy not getting along :confused: | ||||
| Beans Malone | posted on 04-06-2002 @ 7:13 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Mar. 02 | CREW SLUT FRANK ZAPPA Haven't thought about Zappa in awhile the man was a musical genius :)   | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 04-10-2002 @ 12:28 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | (Well) Catholic Girls With a tiny little mustache Catholic Girls Do you know how they go? Catholic Girls In the Rectory Basement Father Riley's a fairy But it don't bother Mary Catholic Girls At the CYO Catholic Girls Do you know how they go? Catholic Girls There can be no replacement How do they go, after the show? All the way (That's right, all the way!) That's the way they go Every day (That's right!) And none of their mamas ever seem to know Hip-Hip-Hooray For all the class they show There's nothing like a Catholic Girl At the CYO When they learn to blow . . . They're learning to blow All the Catholic Boys! Warren Cuccurullo . . . Catholic Boys! Kinda young, kinda WOW! Catholic Boys! Vinnie Colaiuta . . . Where are they now? Did they all take The Vow? Everybody! Everybody dance! Catholic Girls! Carmenita Scarfone! Catholic Girls! Hey! She gave me VD! Catholic Girls! Toni Carbone! With a tongue like a cow She could make you go WOW! VD Vowdy vootie Right away That's the way they go Every day Whenever their mamas take them to a show Matinee Pass the popcorn please There's nothing like a Catholic Girl With her hand in the box And she's on her knees She was on her knees My little Catholic Girl In a little white dress Catholic Girls They never confess Catholic Girls I got one for a cousin I love how they go So send me a dozen Catholic Girls OOOOOOH! (Well well now) Catholic Girls (Ma-ma-mum ma-ma-mum) Yai-ee-ahhh! Catholic Girls OOOOOOH! (Well well now) Catholic Girls (Ma-ma-mum ma-ma-ma-ma-mum) Yai-ee-ahhh! Joe had a girl friend named Mary. They would meet each other at the Social Club. Hold hands And think Pure Thoughts But one night, Mary wasn't there She was backstage at the Tower Theater Sucking COCK So she can get a ticket to meet Ike Willis for free . . . Yeah. .. . . . :cool: NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Beans Malone | posted on 04-10-2002 @ 1:14 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Mar. 02 |  Bobby Brown...Frank Zappa Hey there, people, I'm Bobby Brown They say I'm the cutest boy in town My car is fast, my teeth is shiney I tell all the girls they can kiss my heinie Here I am at a famous school I'm dressin' sharp 'n' I'm actin' cool I got a cheerleader here wants to help with my paper Let her do all the work 'n' maybe later I'll rape her Oh God I am the American dream I do not think I'm too extreme An' I'm a handsome sonofabitch I'm gonna get a good job 'n' be real rich (get a good get a good get a good get a good job) Women's Liberation Came creepin' across the nation I tell you people I was not ready When I fucked this dyke by the name of Freddie She made a little speech then, Aw, she tried to make me say "when" She had my balls in a vice, but she left the dick I guess it's still hooked on, but now it shoots too quick Oh God I am the American dream But now I smell like Vaseline An' I'm a miserable sonofabitch Am I a boy or a lady...I don't know which (I wonder wonder wonder wonder) So I went out 'n' bought me a leisure suit I jingle my change, but I'm still kinda cute Got a job doin' radio promo An' none of the jocks can even tell I'm a homo Eventually me 'n' a friend Sorta drifted along into S&M I can take about an hour on the tower of power 'Long as I gets a little golden shower Oh God I am the American dream With a spindle up my butt till it makes me scream An' I'll do anything to get a head I lay awake nights sayin', "Thank you, Fred!" Oh God, oh God, I'm so fantastic! Thanks to Freddie, I'm a sexual spastic And my name is Bobby Brown Watch me now, I'm goin down, And my name is Bobby Brown Watch me now, I'm goin down, And my name is Bobby Brown Watch me now, I'm goin down.... | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 04-12-2002 @ 2:44 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | BILLY the Mountain BILLY the Mountain A regular picturesque Postcardy mountain Residing between lovely Rosamond and Gorman With his stunning wife ETHELL, A tree! A tree! BILLY was a mountain ETHELL was a tree Growing off of his shoulder BILLY was a mountain ETHELL was a tree Growing off of his shoulder Billy had two big Caves for eyes, With a cliff for a jaw That would go up 'n down, And whenever it did, He'd puff out some dust, And hack up a boulder (HACK!) Hack up a boulder (HACK! HACK!) Hack up a boulder (HACK! HACK! HACK!) Hack up a boulder Now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a big Lincoln Continental, and he laid a HUGE, BULGING ENVELOPE right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, right where his 'foot' was supposed to be. Now, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for OVER THESE YEARS, and finally, now, AT LAST, his Royalties! Royalties! Royalties . . . Royalties! Royalties . . . Royalties! BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was RICH! His eyeball-caves widened in amazement, his cliff (which was his jaw), it dropped thirty feet! Ooh, a bunch of dust puffed out! Rocks and boulders hacked up, (hack! hack! hack! hack hack! hack! hack!) crushing 'The LINCOLN'! Now, the man in the checkered suit, well, without his car he went screaming off into the desert at sunset (AAAA-AAA-AAAAH!) all the way to Rosamond to get a beer and tell everybody there including Ronnie Cook what had happened to his car. I gave him the money He acted real funny He hocked up a rock and It TOTALLED my car! Oh, do you Know any trucks Might be bound for THE VALLEY? I don't wanna stand here All night in this bar (Dear Lord) I don't wanna stand here All night in this bar (No shit!) I don't wanna stand here All night in this bar! By two o'clock, and the bars are already closed down, BILLY had already broken 'THE BIG NEWS' to ETHELL. With dust and boulders everywhere, BILLY, choked with excitement, announced . . . "ETHELL, we're going on a VACATION!" Yes, and they WERE going on a vacation! (Oh, and ETHELL, ETHELL, ETHELL, ETHELL just like a woman, of course she was delighted! She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her . . . Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song . . . ) BILLY told ETHELL they were going to . . . They were going to NEW YORK! "ETHELL, we're going to . . . New York!" But first they were gonna stop in LAS VEGAS . . . It's off to LAS VEGAS to check out the lounges Pull a few handles, Drink a few beers, (Oh, ETHELL!) ETHELL, my darling, you know that I love you! I'm glad we could have a Vacation this year! (Oh, NEET-O!) Glad we could have a Vacation this year! They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert . . . their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds "ETHELL, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?" (Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!) "Ahhh! there's a HOWARD JOHNSONS! Wanna eat some CLAMS?" The first noteworhty piece of real estate they destroyed was EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE . . . And TO THIS VERY DAY, 'Wing Nuts' and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when TEST STAND #1 and THE ROCKET SLED ITSELF got LUNCHED! By a FAMOUS MOUNTAIN-IN and his SMALL, WOODEN WIFE. Good bye to LAS VEGAS Farewell to the lounges We pulled a few handles We drank a few beers (CHA-KA-LA-KA-LAH!) Guess that GEORGE PUTNAM Should be on the air now With the biggest new story That has broken this year (GEORGE PUTNAM!) His biggest new story That has broken this year (Take it away, George!) "Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniably links THIS MOUNTAIN and HIS WIFE to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Valley SMUT RING! However, we can assure parents in the Southern California area that a recent NARCOTICS CRACK-DOWN, in Torrance, Hawthorne, and Lomita, will provide the SECRET EVIDENCE the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a CRIMINAL INDICTMENT, and pave the way for STIFFER LEGISLATION, increased FEDERAL AID, and AVERT A CRIPPLING STRIKE of Bartenders and Veterinarians throughout the INLAND EMPIRE. But it is This Reporter's Opinion that ETHELL is a FORMER COMMUNIST . . . " WITHIN THE WEEK, Jerry Lewis had hosted a Telethon ("Wah wah wah, nice lady!") to raise funds for the injured (injured . . . ) and homeless (homeless . . . ) in Denver, as BILLY had just levelled it, and, a few miles right outside of town, BILLY caused a 'Oh Mein Papa' in the Earth's crust, right over the SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS where they keep the POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS, and OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS, just as a FREAK TORNADO cruised through . . . (My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby) AH! (My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby) POO-AHH! (My baby, my baby . . .) . . . sucking up two thirds of it (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!) for UNTIMELY DISPERSAL over VAST STRETCHES of THE MID WEST!!! Now, it was about this time, I think it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio that BILLY got his NOTICE TO REPORT for his INDUCTION PHYSICAL. Now, believe me, ETHELL said she wasn't gonna let him go! "I'm not gonna let you go, BILLY!" And GEORGE PUTNAM, the RIGHT-WING CREEPO FASCIST PIG NEWSCASTER from Los Angeles said . . . (Take it away GEORGE PUTNAM, the RIGHT-WING FASCIST RADICAL CREEPO PIG NEWSCASTER from Los Angeles!) "We now have CONFIRMED REPORTS from an INFORMED ORANGE COUNTY MINISTER, that ETHELL is still an ACTIVE COMMUNIST, and it is This Reporter's Opinion that she also practices WITCH-CRAFT!" It was about this time that the telephone rang in the SECRET BRIEFCASE belonging to THE ONE MORTAL MAN who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save 'AMERICA HERSELF'! Now, some men say he looked like (he looked like) FELIX PAPPALARDI (Felix Pappalardi); still others say (others say), bullshit, man (bullshit, man) he was just born (he was born) next to the Frozen Beef Pies at CHRISTINE'S (Frozen Beef Pies). Still others say (others say he was just another), uh-huh, and uh-huh again, he was just a crazy Italian (crazy Italian) who drove a RED CAR. You see it was hard to tell (but nobody knows), nobody knew for sure (for sure), he was so (so-o-o-o-o-o) mysterious (mysterious), oh yes, he was . . . HE WAS SO (He was so, he was so!) MYSTERIOUS! HE WAS SO MYSTERIOUS! 'Cuz when a person gets to be Such a HERO, folks, And MARVELOUS BEYOND COMPUTE, You can never REALLY TELL About a GUY LIKE THAT (Whether he's really a NICE PERSON Or if he just SMILES A LOT), (What?) Or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO', Or what? Whether he's really a NICE PERSON or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO' or what? Some men say he could FLY Some men say he could SWIM Others say he could SING (like NEIL SEDAKA), And all the girls in FLUSHING Would be AMAZED of HIM (Two, Three!) AMAZED of HIM! Time passing (right!) . . . January, February . . . 1975, 1986 . . . March, 1914 . . . So when the phone rang (thank you) In the secret briefcase, (Thank you) A strong masculine hand With a wristwatch And flexy bracelet GRABBED IT And answered In a deep, calmly assured voice: "Yes, this is he! What? . . . A mountain . . . with a tree growing off of its shoulder . . . ? You're fulla shit, man . . . what? Wha- uh, are, are you sure? Oh well, alright, let me write this down then, sorta take a few notes here . . . To NEW YORK? Causing UNTOLD DESTRUCTION?" (My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, OH! My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, My baby, my baby, My baby, my baby, my baby, My baby, my baby) UH-OH! (My baby, my baby, my baby) AHH! "Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? Can I, can I fly there immediately and REASON WITH HIM? An expense account? And per diem, too?" SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE! Yes, he could DANCE. And here it is, Ladies and Gentlemen: THE STUDEBAKER HOCH DANCING LESSON & COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE featuring Aynsley Dunbar . . . Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly . . . Hey! RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH (Professional) LEFT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH (Exquisite) RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH (Homunculus) LEFT HAND FROM THE LEFT SHOULDER TO THE HEART-UH Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly . . . Hey! There were a number of rumors circulating about STUDEBAKER HOCH recently. Consider if you will the rumors that have spread that he could write THE LORD'S Prayer on the head of a pin! Some men say he could write THE LORD'S Prayer On the head of a Head of a Head of a pin Ah! (Three Dog Night) (Yeah) Other still maintain the FACT! (Good God!) He was born next to the Frozen Beef Pies (And that was the main influence on HIM!) Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife (who ran a modeling school), WHEREUPON SHE . . . HE ran around the back of 'KIMBO'S' to see if he could find some big un-used cardboard boxes . . . After which, he hit up [CHRISTIDY'S] for some 'KAISER BROILER FOIL', some 'AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP', and a pair of blunt scissors! Hey-hey! Yes, and in the parking lot across the street from the one 5th Avenue hotel (in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking), he cut out a pair of really, really NICE WINGS, and he covered 'em thoroughly with foil . . . thoroughly with foil thoroughly with foil . . . thoroughly with foil . . . thorougly with foil . . . TH-thor-thorough-LY with FOIL-L Th-th--thorough-LY wi-TH wi-TH FOIL-L-L! Then he took those 'WINGS' and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth . . . He CLOSED THE DOOR! And he pulled down his grey denim Busdriver type pants, and he spread even amounts of AUNT JEMIMA syrup all over the inside of his legs, right underneath his boxer pretty shorts, ha ha ha! Soon the booth was filling with flies! (Help me, help me, help me!) He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in . . . Yes! And when each and every one of those little, each and every one of those little cocksuckin' flies had gone into his boxer shorts, and was lapping up all that good AUNT JEMIMA syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said to those little flies in a clear, impressive voice . . . "NEW YORK!" . . . and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot, and into the sky! STUDEBAKER HOCH YEAH, YEAH STUDEBAKER HOCH STU-DE-BAKER HOCH! STUDEBAKER HOCH YEAH, YEAH STUDEBAKER HOCH STU-DE-BAKER HOCH! He's coating his legs With AUNT JEMIMA syrup up and down! His shorts'll be filled with flies That will be buzzing all around! (Help me, help me, help me!) Stoodlabaker Hoch: He's really outa sight! Stoodlabaker Hoch: He does it every night! Stoodlabaker Hoch: He treats the flies all right STOODLA-BAKER HOCH That's why they never bite, hey! (Please to New York! Fly to New York!) He could be a DOG Or a FROG Or a LESBIAN QUEEN! (Fly to New York!) He could be a NARK Or a LADY MARINE! Or he might play dirty! He's OVER THIRTY! (Getting old? Say! I don't know!) His peculiar attire And the flies he require Keep leading him on 'Cause ETHELL is gone And THE MOUNTAIN she's on (Please to New York! Fly to New York!) (Fly to New York!) (I don't know!) His peculiar attire And the flies he require Keep leading him on 'Cause ETHELL is gone They keep leading him on 'Cause ETHELL is gone And THE MOUNTAIN she's on We join STUDEBAKER HOCH standing on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth. "BILLY? I've come to REASON with you! Our GREAT COUNTRY needs you in the Armed Forces! Why, it's all fair and square, the LOTTERY, you know? Your NUMBER came up . . . you can't go on running like this forever." ETHELL shook her twigs angrily, but STUDEBAKER HOCH, UN-ferturbed, continued . . . "Listen, you (cough cough) . . . listen, you COMMUNIST SON-OF-A-BITCH! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for FILL DIRT in some impending New Jersey MARSH RECLAMATION . . . and your girl-friend here will wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primative ironing boards (or a DOG HOUSE) . . . get the (cough, cough), GET THE PICTURE?" BILLY just laughed: "HO, HO, HO! If they think they're gonna draft ME, they're CRAZY!" Now you'd remember that STUDEBAKER HOCH was standing on the edge of BILLY's mouth, so that when he laughed, he lost his balance and unfortunately fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below! "Aaahhhhhhhh . . . " (That was only one hundred feet, you Carnaby cutie, LET'S HEAR ANOTHER SET!) "Aaahhhhhhhh . . . " Which only goes to prove . . . A Mountain is something You don't wanna fuck with You don't wanna fuck with Don't fuck around (Don't fuck around) Don't fuck with BILLY And don't fuck with ETHELL (You saw what just happened To the guy with the flies!) DON'T FUCK AROUND! DON'T FUCK AROUND! DON'T FUCK AROUND! DON'T FUCK AROUND! DON'T FUCK AROUND! DON'T FUCK AROUND! DON'T FUCK AROUND! With Biddilly, Biddilly Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly BIDDILLY THE MOUNTIN-INNNNNNN! BIDDILLY THE MOUNTIN-INNNNNNN! FZ: Thank you for coming to our concert. Good night. Ha ha! I'm doing my Danked impression! NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 04-16-2002 @ 12:12 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! They don't do no good They never be workin' When they oughta should They waste your time They're wastin' mine California's got the most of them Boy, they got a host of them Swear t'God they got the most At every business on the coast Swear t'God they got the most At every business on the coast They got the Flakes Flakes! Flakes! They can't fix yer brakes You ask 'em, "Where's my motor?" "Well, it was eaten by snakes . . . " You can stab 'n shoot 'n spit But they won't be fixin' it They're lyin' an' lazy They can be drivin' you crazy Swear t'God they got the most At every business on the coast Swear t'God they got the most At every business on the coast (Take it away, Bob . . . ) I asked as nice as I could If my job would Somehow be finished by Friday Well, the whole damn weekend Came 'n went, Frankie (Wanna buy some mandies, Bob?) You know what? They didn't do nothin' But they charged me double for Sunday Now, you know, no matter what you do, They gonna cheat 'n rob you 'N then they'll give you a bill 'N it'll get your senses reelin' And if you do not pay They got computer collectors That'll get you so crazy 'Til your head'll go through th' ceilin' Yes it will! I'm a moron 'n this is my wife She's frosting a cake With a paper knife All what we got here's American made It's a little bit cheesey, But it's nicely displayed Well we don't get excited when it Crumbles 'n breaks We just get on the phone And call up some Flakes They rush on over 'N wreck it some more 'N we are so dumb They're linin' up at our door Well, my toilet went crazy Yersterday afternoon The plumber he says "Never flush a tampoon!" This great information Cost me half a week's pay And the toilet blew up Later on the next day ay-eee-ay Yeah ay-eee-ay Yeah ay-eee-ay Yeah ay-eee-ay Blew up the next day WOO-OOO One Two Three Four! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! Flakes! One Two Three Four! FLAKES! We are millions 'n millions We're coming to get you We're protected by unions So don't let it upset you Can't escape the conclusion It's probably God's Will That civilization Will grind to a standstill And we are the people Who will make it all happen While yer children is sleepin', Yer puppy is crappin' You might call us Flakes Or something else you might coin us We know you're so greedy That you'll probably join us We're coming to get you, we're coming to get you We're coming to get you, we're coming to get you We're coming to get you, we're coming to get you We're coming to get you, we're coming to get you Hey, now, hey! Hey! Do you know what you are? You're an asshole! ASSHOLE! Some of you might not agree 'Cause you probably likes a lot of misery But think a while and you will see . . . Broken hearts are for assholes Broken hearts are for assholes Are you an asshole? Broken hearts are for assholes Are you an asshole too? Whatcha gonna do, 'cause you're an asshole . . . No no no, yeah yeah yeah I said You . . . are . . . an ASSHOLE! Maybe you think you're a lonely guy 'N maybe you think you're too tough to cry So you went to The Grape, Just to give it a try And Dagmar Without a doubt, the ugliest sonofabitch I've ever seen in my life Was his name . . . One Two Three Four! The whiskers sticking out from underneath of his Pancake make-up And yet he was a beautiful lady Nearly drove you insane Let's talk about Leather: LEATHERRRRRR And so you kissed a little sailor Tex Abel, starring in the latest Shepperton Production: Who had just blew in from Spain "Sir Richard Pump-A-Loaf" You sniffed the reeking buns of Angel The tale of a demented bread-boffer And acted like it was cocaine Cucumber pud annexed to a fine whole-wheat loaf You were dazzled by the exciting new costume of Ko-Ko Then on Tuesday night, Ceasar's back in town In a way you can't explain Facing off in a no-holds-barred tag team grudge match With Kona . . . And so you worked the wall with Michael Three-hundred and seventy-nine pounds of Samoan dynamite Which gave your back an awful strain Volcanic Hell But you came back on Sunday for the gong shows Next Thursday, teen town's finest But you forgot what I was sayin' 'Cause you're an asshole, You're an asshole That's right You're an asshole, you're an asshole Yes, yes You're an asshole, you're an asshole That's right You're an asshole, you're an asshole Well, now you been to The Grape, been to The Chest Now I think you know what you are: you're an asshole You say you can't live with what you've been through Well, ladies you can be an asshole too You might pretend you ain't got one on the bottom of you But don't fool yerself girl It's lookin' at you Don't fool yerself girl It's winkin' at you Don't fool yerself girl It's blinkin' at you That's why I say I'm gonna ram it, ram it, ram it Ram it up yer poop chute Corn hole Ram it, ram it, ram it Ram it up yer poop chute Fist fuck Ram it, ram it, ram it Ram it up yer poop chute Wrist-watch: Crisco Ram it, ram it, ram it Ram it up yer poop chute Pud! Don't fool yerself, girl, It's goin' right up yer poop chute Don't fool yerself, girl, It's goin' right up yer poop chute Don't fool yerself, girl, It's goin' right up yer poop chute (Ay ay ay ay) Don't fool yerself, girl, It's goin' right up yer poop chute (Ay ay ay ay) Don't fool yerself, girl, It's goin' right up yer poooop chute (Ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay) Don't fool yerself, girl, It's goin' right up yer . . . Keepin' the threads warm. . . .. :-D NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 04-30-2002 @ 10:26 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | This may never get as many posts as the Mike's Song thread, but I never quit! I coulda swore her hair was made of rayon She wore a Milton Bradley Crayon But she was something I could lay on Can't remember what became of me . . . Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy She put a Doobie Brothers tape on (La la la la la-ahh la) I had a Roger Daltrey cape on (A Roger Daltrey cape on) There was a bed I dumped her shape on Can't remember what became of me . . . Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy Somewhat later on I woke up and she was gone There was dew out on the lawn In the sunrise Later she came back With a rumpled paper sack Which she told me would contain A surprise She stuck her hand right in it to the bottom Said she knew I'd be surprised she got 'em Take a Charleston pimp to spot 'em Then she gave a pair of shoes to me . . . Plastic leather, 14 triple D I said: "I wonder what's the shoes for?" She told me: "Don't you worry no more!" And got right down there on the tile floor Now Darling STOMP ALL OVER ME! . . . Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy Is this something new Having people stomp on you? Is it what I need to do For your pleasure? (Yo' pleasure . . . it's . . . uh . . . uh . . . all I need) "What is this, a quiz? Don't you worry what it is It is merely just a moment I can treasure . . . " (What is . . . ?) (You know . . . ) By ten o'clock her arms and legs were rendered She couldn't talk 'cause her mouth had been extendered Looked to me as though she had been blendered But was this abject misery? No! No! Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy! Well . . . But was this abject misery? No! No! Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy! But was this abject misery? No! No! Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy! It might seem strange to Herb and Dee-- Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy! NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 05-02-2002 @ 4:34 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | If the froggy come up A--with his satchel in his hand, Then he reach in the front And dump a mile of sand Across the rug, along the hall Up to the umbrella stand That you've been watchin' all the time Watchin' all the time And if a forest grows up From the dirt on the floor, That the frog with the satchel Had just dumped beside the door You're just startin' to get worried, You ain't going out no more And it's confusin' to your mind-- Just consider this: You can be scared when it gets too real You can be scared when it gets too real But you should be diggin' it While it's happening (Yes! You should be diggin' it while it's happening!) 'Cause it just might be a one-shot deal You can be lost And you can wanna be found But keep an eye on that frog Whenever he jump around Just keep a--watchin' him You oughta be watchin' him Just keep a--watchin' him You wanna be askin' him (And see if he's brought along a little bag for you, rant!) The lesson of the day: YOU CAN BE SCARED WHEN IT GETS TOO REAL. :) NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 05-03-2002 @ 1:37 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | (Zappa/Beefheart) You may find me, baby Yeah, this street With my slippery fists Knock it like this 'n Knock it like that With my heart in a cage Tucked up under my hat Fluttering like a little black bird, yeah Just seen his furs, pussycat Got my umbrella up in front, yeah 'N over my head Ready to beat you, baby, If ya don't let me in Cuz it's raining Cuz it's raining, baby outside Well I'm tired and cold and hungry Been knocked like this an' Knocked like that Don't you see that bad backyard Alley cat I want dis little pussy Baby wants some o' dis And some o' dat Don't treat me, baby, like your Any old Alley Cat Alley Cat, Alley Cat Alley Cat Dont treat me, baby, like your Any old Alley Cat NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 05-03-2002 @ 1:39 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | (Zappa/Beefheart) This album is not available to the public. Even if it were, you wouldn't wanna listen to it! Iron Man! That's fine! Tiger spine! Work out! Monza blocks! Light switch! Roaches' smocks! Ice cream! What a dream! Memories of Flyin' machines! Green Lantern! Funny lizard! Three-way! Out'sight! Buddy learns! See Spot run! Work out! Have some fun! Yeah . . . Wilhelmina! Mildew! Billboard! Night light! Hammerhead! Outta sight! In Baghdad Roaches fly! Outta sight! 'Cross the grassy sky! Anvils fly! Mountains burp! Turpentine! Tina werp Lord gosh! Oooh . . . Rush eye What's that noise? Looks like greeny! Maybe it's purple Spot eye! Hammer law Bend iron! So fine Tiger Roach! NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 05-03-2002 @ 1:40 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | (Zappa/Beefheart) Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Yaah, Band aids! Metal Man! Dirty water! Spoilin' me! Spoilin'! Spoilin'! Turpentine! Styrofoam! [...] Water [...]! Crowbar! Chlorine! Death stroke! Mojo! (Woo-hoo!) Yeah, aaah! Watch out! Look out! Water spout! Don't shout! Chin clout! Look out! Ah-ah! Woo-hoo! Yeah. Yeah . . . Work out! Work out! Truck-out! Water spout! Water snout! Bubblin' brook! Water spout! Bubblin' brook! Work out! I'm the cook! I'm the cook! I'm the cook! Work out! Don't shout! Water spout! Look out! Water spout! Water spout! Twist and shout! Twist and shout! Metal Men! Metal Men! Iron men! The Living Gun! Hit the nostrils! Make money! Metal Men! Work out! Froze over! Silent mandroid! Don't! Don't! Now, woman, Metal Men, Hawkman, 'Lectro-flyer, Announcement, Has won his wings! Has won his wings! Has won his wings! Has won his wings! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Wheet! Band aids, band aids, band aids! FZ: Let it roll, take another one . . . Just the track this time SOMEONE! ANYONE!!!! NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 05-13-2002 @ 5:08 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | Joe: Fick mich, du miserabler hurensohn Du miserabler hurensohn Fick mich, du miserabler hurensohn Streck ihn aus Streck aus deinem heißen gelockten Streck ihn aus Streck aus deinem heißen gelockten Streck ihn aus Streck aus deinem heißen gelockten schwanz Ah-ee-ahee-ahhhhh! Mach es sehr schnell Rein und raus Magisches Schwein Mach es sehr schnell Rein und raus Magisches Schwein Bis es spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt Feuer! Bis es spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt Feuer! Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa! Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa! Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa! Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa! Sy Borg: Pick me . . . I'm clean . . . I am also programmed for conversational English. May I have this dance? Joe: I've got a better idea . . . Fuck me, you ugly son of a bitch You ugly son of a bitch Fuck me, you ugly son of a bitch Stick it out Stick out yer hot curly weenie Stick it out Stick out yer hot curly weenie Stick it out Stick out yer hot curly weenie Weenie . . . weenie, weenie, weenie! Make it go fast (In and out) In and out, Magical Pig Make it go fast (In and out) In and out, Magical Pig Till it squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts) Fire Till it squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts), squirts (squirts) Fire Don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa Don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa Don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa Don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa Sy Borg: What's a girl like you Doing in a place like this? Do you come here often? Wait a minute. . . I've got it . . . You're an Italian . . . What? You're Jewish? Love your nails . . . You must be a Libra . . . Your place or mine? Your place or mine? Your place or mine? Your place or mine? Your place or mine? Your place or mine? See the chrome Feel the chrome Touch the chrome Heal the chrome See the screaming Hot black steaming Iridescent naugahyde python screaming Steam Roller! Central Scrutinizer: This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER . . . Joe and his date are going back to the apartment to have a little party . . . NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 05-13-2002 @ 5:12 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | Oh yeah and I'm a little pimp with my hair gassed back Pair a khaki pants with my shoe shined black Got a little lady . . . walk the street Tellin' all the boys that she cain't be beat Twenny dollah bill (I can set you straight) Meet me onna corner boy 'n don't be late Man in a suit with a bow-tie neck Wanna buy a grunt with a third party check Standin' onna porch of the Lido Hotel Floozies in the lobby love the way I sell: HOT MEAT HOT RATS HOT CATS HOT RITZ HOT ROOTS HOT SOOTS HOT MEAT HOT RATS HOT CATS HOT ZITZ HOT ROOTS HOT SOOTS CAPTIAN BEEFHEART = MORE GOODER NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 05-17-2002 @ 8:45 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | And if his dick is a monster If his dick is a monster If his dick is a monster They will give him their hearts HOWARD: Hold it! Please hold it! My God, Madge . . . you voluptuous New York City slit . . . Why didn't you tell me before? It was so hard to tell with your little blousey-poo on, but . . . Now that I see you . . . I would have helped . . . I didn't know you were so obviously . . . PREGNANT . . . I got the thing you need I am endowed beyound your wildest Clearasil-spattered fantasies Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah . . . Girls from all over the world Love to write my name on the toilet walls Of the Whisky A-Go-Go For I am Bwana Dik I am Bwana Dik Me Bwana Dik Yo! Me Bwana Dik Say! My dick is a monster Give me your heart CHORUS: Bwana Dik is electric Enormous thou art HOWARD: My dick is a Harley You kick it to start CHORUS: Bwana Dik speaks The heavens will part HOWARD: My dick is a dagger I'll force it to fit My dick is a reamer, baby To scream up your slit CHORUS: Steam it! Ream it! Cream it! LOVE IT! NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 05-22-2002 @ 4:29 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | And now a real treat - we present to you, in it's entirety, (includes quotes from Chamaleon (Jackson-Mason-Maupin-Hancock), Dust My Broom (Elmore James), Entry Of The Gladiators (Julius Fucik), Billy The Mountain (Zappa), Louie Louie (Richard Berry) and maybe others) December, 1974? FZ guitar, vocals George Duke keyboards, vocals Bruce Fowler trombone Tom Fowler bass Chester Thompson drums + Unknown orchestra + Stenographers Davey Moire, Andre Lewis & Roy Estrada ? NARRATOR: The adventures of GREGGERY PECCARY! GREGGERY: Oh, here comes GREGGERY, Little GREGGERY PECCARY The nocturnal gregarious Wild swine . . . NARRATOR: A peccary is a little pig with a white collar that usually hangs around between Texas and Paraguay, sometimes ranging as far west as Catalina GREGGERY: Catalina, Catalina, Catalina! NARRATOR: This particular peccary is part of that bold . . . GREGGERY: Bold . . . NARRATOR: New . . . GREGGERY: New . . . NARRATOR: Breed . . . GREGGERY: Breeding . . . NARRATOR: That distinguishes itself by markings which resemble a WIDE TIE directly below the white collar GREGGERY: If it's wide enough Everyone will know That the tie I'm wearing Is a symbol Of how nimble my mind will know Ooh-ooh! NARRATOR: (Swank suave!) GREGGERY: Hoon-hoon hoonna-han Hoonna hoonna NARRATOR: Look out! Here he comes again! GREGGERY: Oh here comes GREGGERY PECCARY Yes it's cravy, cravy, yeah . . . Hoonna-han Hoonna-han NARRATOR: Every morning, GREGGERY drives his little red Volkswagen to the ugly part of town where they keep the Government Buildings. GREGGERY: Voodn, Voodn! Boy it's so hard to find a place to park around here! Voo-voo-voo-nya-hoon NARRATOR: GREGGERY PECCARY takes the elevator up to the eighty-third floor of a grim, gray, evil-looking building with a sign on the front reading: 'BIG SWIFTY & ASSOCIATES, TREND-MONGERS'. And what, might you ask, is a TREND MONGER? Well, a TREND MONGER is a person who dreams up a TREND (like 'The Twist' ---or 'Flower Power'), and spreads it throughout the land, using all the frightening little skills that Science has made available! And so it was, one fateful morning, GREGGERY PECCARY made his way through the Steno Pool . . . GREGGERY: Hi Mildred! Hello Gladys! WANDA! NARRATOR: Yes, from the moment they laid eyes on him, all the girls in the BIG SWIFTY Steno Pool KNEW . . . here was a nocturnal, gregarious wild swine ON HIS WAY UP . . . a PECCARY of Destiny, Adventure and ROMANCE . . . GREGGERY: Is there any mail for me? STENOGRAPHERS: SWIFTY'S! THIS IS BIG SWIFTY'S! AT BIG SWIFTY'S WE ALL KNOW-OW-OW (WO-WO) YOU'LL GO FOR ANY GIMMICK OR GIZMO! GREGGERY: WOULDN'T YOU RATHER BE INVOLVED IN A SERIES OF COLORFUL TIME-WASTING TRENDS? NARRATOR: AIR HOCKEY . . . biff . . . dush-h-h! STENOGRAPHERS: LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA YOUP YOUP YOUP YOUP GREGGERY: IS YOUR WIFE SNORING BY THE SINK? STENOGRAPHERS: LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA YOUP YOUP YOUP YOUP GREGGERY: AIN'T YOUR LIFE BORING, DON'TCHA THINK? STENOGRAPHERS: YOUP YOUP YOUP-YOUP-YOUP YOUP YOUP GREGGERY: LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER WHEN THERE'S SOME LITTLE SOMETHING TO DO! NARRATOR: Does it matter that this waste of time is what makes a LIFE for you? Hmmmmm? GREGGERY: I must plummet boldly forward to my ultra-avant laminated, simulated replica-mahogany desk, with the strategically-placed, imported, very hip water pipe, and the latest edition of the WHOLE EARTH CATALOG, and rack my agile mind for a spectacular new TREND, thereby rejuvenating our limping economy, and providing for bored & miserable people everywhere some great new 'THING' to identify with! STENOGRAPHERS: WE HAVE GOT THE LITTLE ANSWERS TO THE THINGS THAT MIGHT BE BOTHERING YOU! GREGGERY: WE HAVE GOT YOUR LITTLE TOYS! STENOGRAPHERS: (WE'RE BUSY MAKIN' 'EM!) BUSY MAKIN' 'EM, WE'RE BUSY MAKIN' 'EM GREGGERY: BUSY MAKIN' EM STENOGRAPHERS: JUST FOR YOU! Yoo-hoo-hoo! GREGGERY: Highly efficient, Miss Snodgrass! NARRATOR: And with that, GREGGERY turned and strode nonchalantly into his dinky little office with the desk and the catalog and the very hip water pipe, and proceeded, with a vigor and determination known only to piglets of a similarly diminutive proportion, to single-handedly invent THE CALENDAR! With his eyes rolled heaven-ward, and his little shiny pig-hoofs on the desk, GREGGERY ponders the question of ETERNITY (and fractional divisions thereof), as mysterious ANGELIC VOICES sing to him from a great distance, providing the necessary clues for the construction of this thrilling new TREND! ANGELIC VOICES: SUNDAY GREGGERY: Sunday? WOW! SUNDAY, SATURDAY . . . TUESDAY THROUGH 'MONDAY - MONDAY'! SUNDAY, SATURDAY NARRATOR: And thus THE CALENDAR, in all of its colorful disguises was presented to the bored & miserable people everywhere! GREGGERY issued a memo on it, whereupon the entire contents of the Steno Pool identified with it STRENUOUSLY, and WORSHIPPED IT as a WAY OF LIFE, and took their little pills by it, and went back 'n forth from work by it, and paid their rent by it, and before long they were even having BIRTHDAY PARTIES IN THE OFFICE by it, because NOW, AT LAST, GREGGERY PECCARY's exciting new invention had made it possible for everyone to find out HOW OLD THEY WERE! GREGGERY: What hath GOD wrought? NARRATOR: Unfortunately, there were some people who simply DID NOT WISH TO KNOW, and that's why, on his way home from the office one night, GREGGERY was attacked by a RAGE OF HUNCHMEN! Making his way through the evening traffic, GREGGERY notices that the other vehicles which crowd and bump his little red car are all inhabited by slowly-aging 'VERY HIP YOUNG PEOPLE.' They appear to be casting sinister glances toward him through their glinting acid burn-out eyeballs, trying to run him off the road, or make him bump into something . . . giving strong evidence of HOSTILE AGGRESSION! To elude them, GREGGERY takes the SHORT FOREST EXIT off the expressway. They zoom after him in all manner of cars, trucks, garishly-painted buses, and motorcycles. GREGGERY takes a bumpy trail off the main SHORT FOREST ROAD, which leads him up the side of a FAMOUS (and conveniently placed) MOUNTAIN, and into a strange cave on the edge of a cliff, not far from a LITTLE TWISTED TREE . . . with eyes on it. Meanwhile, the enraged HUNCHMEN (and HUNCH-WOMEN) rumble through the SHORT FOREST until (realizing the little swine has escaped), they decide to park their steaming vehicles in a circular pseudo-Wagon Train formation . . . and have a LOVE-IN! Under the influence of a fantastic amount of TRENDY CHEMICAL AMUSEMENT AID, they proceed to perform lewd acts, rip each other off for small personal possessions, and dance with depraved abandon in the vicinity of a six-foot pile of transistor radios (each one tuned to a different station). GREGGERY: WHAT? NARRATOR: The HUNCHMEN finally expire from exhaustion, and GREGGERY, who has viewed the proceedings from a safe distance, breathes a sigh of relief . . . GREGGERY: Phew! NARRATOR: Only to be terrified once again by a roar of immense laughter . . . BILLY: HO! HO! HO! NARRATOR: Which seems to be rumbling up from the very depths of the cave in which he has hidden his car! GREGGERY: Good Lord! What was that? NARRATOR: GREGGERY doesn't realize he has concealed himself inside the very mouth of BILLY: HO! HO! HO! NARRATOR: BILLY THE MOUNTAIN! BILLY: HO! HO! HO! NARRATOR: And, as you all know, whenever BILLY laughs, rocks and boulders hack up, and the air for miles around is filled with tons of dust, forming a series of huge BROWN CLOUDS! GREGGERY: WHO IS MAKING THOSE NEW BROWN CLOUDS? WHO IS MAKING THOSE CLOUDS THESE DAYS? WHO IS MAKING THOSE NEW BROWN CLOUDS? BETTER ASK A PHILOSTOPHER 'N SEE WHAT HE SAYS! NARRATOR: GREGGERY stops at a gas station and makes a mysterious phone call . . . GREGGERY: IS THIS THE OLD LOFT WITH THE PAINT PEELIN' OFF IT BY THE CHINESE POLICE WHERE THE DOGS ROLL BY? IS THIS WHERE THEY KEEP THE PHILOSTOPHERS NOW, WITH THE RUGS & THE DUST, WHERE THE BOOKS GO TO DIE? HOW MANY YEZ GOT? SAY YEZ GOT QUITE A FEW, JUST SITTIN' AROUND THERE WITH NOTHIN' TO DO? WELL I JUST CALLED YEZ UP 'CAUSE I WANTED TO SEE A PHILOSTOPHER BE OF ASSISTANCE TO ME! NARRATOR: GREGGERY receives information that 'The Greatest Living PHILOSTOPHER Known to Mankind' is currently in possession of the very information in question, and, furthermore, this information could be HIS, if only GREGGERY would attend a 'SPECIAL THERAPEUTIC GROUP ASSEMBLY' (Classes now forming), and available at a special low low introductory fee . . . and now, here he is, 'The Greatest Living PHILOSTOPHER Known to Mankind', QUENTIN ROBERT DeNAMELAND! Take it away! QUENTIN: Folks, as you can see for yourself, the way this clock over here is behaving, TIME IS OF AFFLICTION! Now this might be cause for alarm among a portion of you, as, from a certain experience, I TEND TO PROCLAIM: 'THE EONS ARE CLOSING'! NARRATOR: Make your checks payable to 'QUENTIN ROBERT DeNAMELAND, Greatest Living Philostopher Known to Mankind'! GREGGERY: WHO IS MAKING THOSE NEW BROWN CLOUDS? WHO IS MAKING THOSE CLOUDS THESE DAYS? WHO IS MAKING THOSE NEW BROWN CLOUDS? IF YOU ASK A PHILOSTOPHER, HE'LL SEE THAT YOU PAYS! Be careful getting home, folks. . . :cool: NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 05-29-2002 @ 5:39 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | I want a nasty little Jewish Princess (La-la-la) With long phony nails and a hairdo that rinses (Wee-oo-oo) A horny little Jewish Princess With a garlic aroma that could level Tacoma (FA!) Lonely inside Well, she can swallow my pride I need a hairy little Jewish Princess (La-la-la) With a brand new nose (Oo-ee-oo) Who knows where it goes I want a steamy little Jewish Princess (KSSS!) With over-worked gums, who squeaks when she cums I don't want no troll I just want a Yemenite hole I want a darling little Jewish Princess (La-la-la) Who don't know shit about cooking and is arrogant looking (Woo-eee-ooo) A vicious little Jewish Princess To specifically happen with a pee-pee that's snapin' All up inside I just want a Princess to ride Awright, back to the top . . . (Hi-Yo, Silver! Away!) Everybody twist! I want a funky little Jewish Princess (La-la-la) A grinder; a bumper, with a pre-moistened dumper A brazen little Jewish Princess (HI-YO!) With titanic tits (WHOAH!) And sand-blasted zits She can even be poor So long as she does it with four on the floor (Vapor-lock) I want a dainty little Jewish Princess (La-la-la) With a couple of sisters who can raise a few blisters A fragile little Jewish Princess (HI-YO!) With Roumanian thighs, who weasels 'n lies For two or three nights Won't someone send me a princess who bites Won't someone send me a princess who bites Won't someone send me a princess who bites Won't someone send me a princess who bites HA HA NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 06-07-2002 @ 1:15 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | I might be movin' to Montana soon Just to raise me up a crop of Dental Floss Raisin' it up Waxen it down In a little white box That I can sell uptown By myself I wouldn't Have no boss, But I'd be raisin' my lonely Dental Floss Raisin' my lonely Dental Floss Well I just might grow me some bees But I'd leave the sweet stuff To somebody else . . . but then, on the other hand I would Keep the wax 'N melt it down Pluck some Floss 'N swish it aroun' I'd have me a crop An' it'd be on top (that's why I'm movin' to Montana) Movin' to Montana soon Gonna be a Dental Floss tycoon (yes I am) Movin' to Montana soon Gonna be a mennil-toss flykune I'm pluckin' the ol' Dennil Floss That's growin' on the prairie Pluckin' the floss! I plucked all day an' all nite an' all Afternoon . . . I'm ridin' a small tiny hoss (His name is MIGHTY LITTLE) He's a good hoss Even though He's a bit dinky to strap a big saddle or Blanket on anyway He's a bit dinky to strap a big saddle or Blanket on anyway Any way I'm pluckin' the ol' Dennil Floss Even if you think it is a little silly, folks I don't care if you think it's silly, folks I don't care if you think it's silly, folks I'm gonna find me a horse Just about this big, An' ride him all along the border line With a Pair of heavy-duty Zircon-encrusted tweezers in my hand Every other wrangler would say I was mighty grand By myself I wouldn't Have no boss, But I'd be raisin' my lonely Dental Floss Raisin' my lonely Dental Floss Raisin' my lonely Dental Floss Well I might Ride along the border With my tweezers gleamin' In the moon-lighty night And then I'd Get a cuppa cawfee 'N give my foot a push . . . Just me 'n the pygmy pony Over the Dennil Floss Bush 'N then I might just Jump back on An' ride Like a cowboy Into the dawn to Montana Movin' to Montana soon (Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) Movin' to Montana soon (Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) Movin' to Montana soon (Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) Movin' to Montana soon (Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) Movin' to Montana soon (Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) Movin' to Montana soon (Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) Movin' to Montana soon (Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) Movin' to Montana soon (Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) Movin' to Montana soon (Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) Movin' to Montana soon (Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) Movin' to Montana soon (Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) Movin' to Montana soon (Yippy-Ty-O-Ty-Ay) :-p NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 06-07-2002 @ 1:27 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | Hmm. . .another's in order, I think . . . . Straighten up in dat chair and pay ATTENTIUM! People, dis is fo yo' own good! Do YOU know what YOU ARE? Do you know what you are? (Dat what I ast ya!) You are what you is You is what you am (And DAT de trufe!) (A cow don't make ham . . . ) (I meant dat now!) You ain't what you're not (Not even hardly . . .) So see what you got (And you got a lot o' lookin' t'do, junior!) You are what you is (Dat entirely TOO CORRECT!) An' that's all it 'tis! (Uh-HUHHHH!) A foolish young man (Bring dat dummy ovuh heah 'n show it to 'em!) Stashed away in SAN QUENTIM Ate de mys'try potatoes (Told ya 'bout dem 'taters!) EVIL PRINCE was inventin' Now he talk like de THING-FISH ("Hmmmm, Saffiiiee!") An' he look like a MAMMY! ("See de mammy, now! See de mammy, now!") His fav'rit CO-LOG-NUMM . . . (Smell like . . . CHITLINS!) Is de one dey call 'SAMMY'! (One-Adam-Twelve . . . see de mammy . . .) He finally layin' (Armed 'n dangerous, reproach wit cautium!) De whole thang down, 'Cept de NIVEA LOTIUM! (Rub it on good, now!) An de ROYAL CROWN! (Take good care o' dat "ASH"!) Do you know what you are? (You's a wimp . . . she's a shrew!) You are what you is (Got dat?) You is what you am (One-Adam-Twelve, see de mammy agin'!) (A cow don't make ham . . . ) (And it never will . . .) You ain't what you're not, (Unless SCIENCE do somethin' 'bout it!) So see what you got! (I KNOW dey woikin' on it . . .) You are what you is, (Underneath VIRGINIA!) An' that's all it 'tis! (BOOG-BOOGMMM, Dano . . . "MAMMY ONE"! A foolish young man Of de negro persuasion Devoted his life To become a caucasian He stopped eating pork He stopped eating greens He trade his dashiki ("Uhuru!") For some Jordache Jeans! He learned to play golf An' he got a good score Now he says to himself: "I AIN'T NO . . . " ("NIGNINT!") "NO MORE . . . HEY! HEY! HEY!" (One-Adam-Twelve, see de "NIGNINT" wit knife . . . proceed wif cautium . . . knife may be open . . . ) BWANA MA-COO-BAH (All Right! Let's go!) (MERCEDES BAINNNZZZZZ!) Who is who? (I don't know . . . ) 'N what is what (Somethin' I just don't know . . . ) 'N why is this (Tell me now . . . ) Appropriot (That's a funny pronunciation, If'n ever I heard one!) If you don't like (Where'd you get that word?) What you has got (Appropriot? The word is not!) Drop it in the dirt (Drop it, yeah!) 'N let it rot (I can smell it now!) Someone else (Here de come, here de come!) Will surely come (I told you he was comin'!) 'N pick it up (That's right!) 'Cause he wants some (An' he wants it for free!) And when one day (There will come a day!) You wonder who (I wonder too!) You used to was (Who I was, anyway!) 'N what you do (I used to work at the post office!) You'll scratch your head (But I don't wanna un-do my doo!) 'N look around (To see what's goin' on!) But what you lost (Can't seem to find it!) Will not be found (A Mercedes Benz!) Do you know what you are? (I know!) You are what you is (I'm the kinda guy . . . ) You is what you am (That ought to be drivin') A cow don't make ham (A four-fifty SLC . . . ) You ain't what you're not (A big ol' RED ONE!) So see what you got (With some golf clubs stickin' out de trunk!) You are what you is (I'm gwine down to de links on Saturday mornin'!) An' that's all it is (Gimme a five dollar bill!) YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS (And an overcoat too . . .) AN' THAT'S ALL IT IS (Where's my waitress, yeahhhh!) YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS (Robbie, take me to Greek Town!) AN' THAT'S ALL IT IS (I'm harder than yer husband; Harder than yer husband!) YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS (I'm goin' down to White Street, to the Mudd Club, y'all!) AN' THAT'S ALL IT IS (I'm goin' down 'n work the wall! 'N work the floor) YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS ('N work the pipe, 'N work the wall some more!) AN' THAT'S ALL IT IS Bloody hell, you say? >:o NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 06-14-2002 @ 1:29 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | This one's dedicated to the fuckers who made my old sig pic dissappear - It was the blackest night There was no moon in sight You know the stars ain't shinin' 'Cause the sky's too tight I heard the scarey wind I seen some ugly trees There was a werewolf honkin' 'Long the side of me I'm mean 'n I'm bad, y'know I ain't no sissy Got a big-titty girly by the name of Chrissy Talkin' about her 'n my bike 'n me . . . 'N this ride up the Mountain of Mystery, mystery I noticed even the crickets Were actin' weird up here 'N so I figured I might Just drink a little beer I said, "Gimme summa that what yer suckin' on . . . " But there was no reply 'Cause she was gone . . . "Where's those titties I like so well, 'n my goddamn beer!" Is what I started to yell, then I heard this noise Like a crunchin' twig, 'n up jumped the Devil . . . He's about this big . . . He had a red suit on An' a widow's peak An' then a pointed tail 'N like a sulphur reek Yes, it was him awright, I sweared I knowed it was He had some human flesh Stuck underneath his claws You know, it looked to me Like it was titty skin I said, "You sonofabitch!" 'Cause I was mad at him, Well he just got out his floss 'N started cleanin' his fang So I shot him with my shooter, Said: BANG BANG BANG Then the sucker just laughed 'n said: Terry: Oh, put it away . . . You know, I ate her all up . . . now what you gonna say? FZ: You ate my Chrissy? Terry: Titties 'n all! FZ: Well, what about the beer then, boy? Terry: Ah . . . Were the cans this tall? FZ: Even her boots? Terry: Would I lie to you? FZ: Shit, you musta been hungry! Terry: Yes, this is true. FZ: Don't they pay you good For the stuff that you do? Terry: Well, you know I can't complain when the checks come through . . . FZ: Well I want my Chrissy, 'N I want my beer So you just barf it back up Now, Devil, do you hear? Terry: Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man! I mean, I am the Devil, Do you understand? Just what will you give me for your Titties and beer? I suppose you noticed this little contract here . . . FZ: Yer goddam right, you Son-of-a-whore Terry: Don't call me that! FZ: That's about the only reason I learned writin' for . . . Gimme that paper . . . bet yer ass I will sign . . . Because I need a beer, 'N it's titty-squeezin' time! Terry: Man, you can't fool me . . . you ain't that bad . . . I mean you shoulda seen some of the souls that I've had . . . FZ: Oh, yeah? Terry: Why there was Milhous Nixon 'n Agnew, too . . . 'N both of those suckers was worse 'n you . . . FZ: Well, let's make a deal if you think that's true I mean, you're the Devil so . . . Whatcha gonna do? Terry: Wait a minute . . . a tinge of doubt crosses my mind when you say that you want to make a deal with me . . . FZ: That's very, very true . . . Terry: Wait . . . you ain't supossed to wanna make a deal with me FZ: Ah, but I'm slightly different than your average customer, Devil . . . Terry: But, wait . . . but most people don't want to make a deal with me . . . Wha . . . FZ: Yeah . . . Terry: What's your story? FZ: Well, most people are afraid of you, see? They don't know how stupid you are . . . I happen to know that you jack off to a picture of Punky Meadows when you get home . . . Terry: Grrah . . . Stupid . . . Grrh . . . FZ: You know . . . ever since that guy told you that he contained more fluid than Jeff Beck you've been tryin' to outdo him . . . Awright, look, I'm gonna say one thing to you . . . this may not registered right away, but let me say you this . . . leave your pickle alone for a couple of nights, you know what I mean . . . ? Now, come on! I'm only interested in a couple of things . . . (Wait, is that a note for me? Is somebody passing me a note? What does this say . . . ? "Frank, please do me a favour, I can't find a brother of mine, I could dig it if you could call him from stage. His name is Dirty Tom Nomads M.C.," signed "Thanks, Bear" or "Bean," I can't tell . . . Well, if he's out there . . . Dirty Tony De La Nomads M.C. get in touch with Bean or Bear . . . ) And as I was sayin', Devil, I'm an average sort of a person, I'm . . . you wouldn't believe it, but . . . I'm very much like the people here in this audience tonight . . . Terry: What? FZ: I think we definitely have something in common . . . Terry: Wait a minute, I thought you had funny things growing in your hair and all that other stuff . . . I thought . . . write weird music, you know, I thought . . . FZ: Listen . . . Terry: . . . biker and everything, I mean, shit, you know? FZ: . . . listen carefully . . . Terry: . . . big tittie chic that you just had out here with the camera, I mean, you know . . . FZ: Listen carefully to me, oh, Devil . . . Terry: Uh-huh . . . FZ: I'm only interested in two things Terry: Yeah . . . FZ: See if you can guess what they are Terry: I would think . . . uh . . . let's see, maybe . . . uh . . . FZ: Well, I'll give you . . . Terry: Stravinsky . . . and, uh . . . FZ: I'll give you two clues . . . Terry: . . . let's see . . . uh . . . FZ: Let go of your pickle Terry: What? FZ: Let go of your pickle! Terry: I'm not holding my pickle FZ: Well, who's holding your pickle then? Terry: I don't know . . . ha! She's out in the audience . . . Hey, Dale, would you like to come up here and hold my pickle to satisfy this weird man out here on the stage? FZ: You're probably wondering why we call it a pickle . . . RAY WHITE: Ha ha ha! Terry: Oh, no . . . FZ: I don't . . . I hate . . . I hate to squeal on you, Bozzio, I mean, Devil . . . but, look, I'm only interested in two things . . . Terry: Now, wait a minute . . . all I have to say is God help me! . . . [You can have this . . . ] this fucking mask on . . . FZ: Ha ha ha ha ha . . . ! Listen, if you think that mask looks bad, you oughta see his pickle . . . I'm only interested in two things, that's titties and beer, you know what I mean? Terry: What? FZ: Yeah . . . Terry: Titties and beer? FZ: Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer . . . TERRY (Growling): Whoa, I don't know if you're the right guy! FZ: . . . titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer . . . Terry: No! Don't sign it! Give me time to think . . . I mean . . . FZ: Alright! Terry: Hold on a second, boy . . . 'Cause that's Magic Ink! And then the Devil let go of his pickle 'N out jumped m'girl They heard the titties PLOP-PLOPPIN' All around the world, she said: "I GOT ME THREE BEERS 'N A FIST FULLA DOWNS, AN' I'M GONNA GET RIPPED, SO FUCK YOU CLOWNS!" Then she gave us the finger, It was rigid 'n stiff, That's when the Devil, he farted An' she went right over the cliff (Whoa . . . Tinsel Time!) Well, the Devil was mad I took off to my pad I swear I do declare! How did she get back there? I swear I do declare! How did she get back there? I swear I do declare! How did she get back there? I swear I do declare! How did she get back there? I swear I do declare! How did she get back there? I swear I do de . . . FZ: Awright . . . awright, that . . . that's enough for the Devil and his famous pickle . . . We're goin' to make another dramatic if . . . if somewhat . . . rickety segue into another song called Cruisin' For Burgers, wait a minute . . .  NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 06-27-2002 @ 10:37 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK Yahoo! She had that Camarillo brillo Flamin' out along her head, I mean her Mendocino bean-o By where some bugs had made it red She ruled the Toads of the Short Forest And every newt in Idaho And every cricket who had chorused By the bush in Buffalo She said she was A Magic Mama And she could throw a mean Tarot And carried on without a comma That she was someone I should know She had a snake for a pet And an amulet And she was breeding a dwarf But she wasn't done yet She had gray-green skin A doll with a pin I told her she was awright But I couldn't come in (actually, I was very busy then) And so she wandered Trough the door-way Just like a shadow from the tomb She said her stereo was four-way An' I'd just love it in her room Well, I was born To have adventure So I just followed up the steps Right past her fuming incense stencher To where she hung her castanets She stripped away Her rancid poncho An' laid out naked by the door We did it till we were un-concho An' it was useless any more She had a snake for a pet And an amulet And she was breeding a dwarf But she wasn't done yet She had gray-green skin A doll with a pin I told her she was awright But I couldn't come in And so she wandered Through the door-way (Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!) Just like a shadow from the tomb She said her stereo was four-way, oh yeah! (Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!) An' I could eat some broccoli up in her room Well, I was born To have advenchum (Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!) So I just followed up the steps Right past her fuming incense stencher (Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!) To where she hung her castanets I chewed my way Through her rancid panocha (Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!) And she laid buck nekkid Over by the door We did it till we were sort of unconcho, so to speak (Ai-ee-ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!) Yes, and it was useless anymore Aw yes, it was useless anymore Aw yes, it was useless anymore I knew you'd be surprised. . . . NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 06-28-2002 @ 11:21 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | Well, I'm (hopefully) off to Burlington today, and since I don't feel like starting a new Capt. Beefheart thread, I give you: Moonlight on Vermont affected everybody Even Mrs. Wooten well as little Nitty Even lifebuoy floatin' With his lil' pistol showin' 'n his lil' pistol totin' Well that goes t' show you what uh moon can do No more bridge from Tuesday t' Friday Everybody's gone high society Hope lost his head 'n got off on alligators Somebodies leavin' peanuts on the curbins For uh white elephant escaped from the zoo with love Goes t' show you what uh moon can do Moonlight on Vermont Well it did it for Lifebuoy And it did it t' you And it did it t' zoo And it can do it for me And it can do it for you Moonlight on Vermont Gimme dat ole time religion Gimme dat ole time religion Don't gimme no affliction Dat ole time religion is good enough for me Uh it's good enough for you Well come out t' show dem Come out t' show dem Come out t' show dem Come out t' show dem Come out t' show dem Come out t' show dem Come out t' show dem Gimme dat ole time religion Gimme dat ole time religion Gimme dat ole time religion It's good enough for me Without yer new affliction Don't need yer new restrictions Gimme dat ole time religion It's good enough for me Moonlight on Vermont Magic Hat Brewery. . .I'm comin' fer you! :-D NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 06-28-2002 @ 11:23 AM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | Annnnd just for the fuck of it: FZ: Thank you. (Brian, I could use a little bit more monitor). Hello hello (can't you turn it up any more than that?) Hello hello . . . Hey! Alright! Pardon me, folks. The name of this song is "Penguin in Bondage," an' it's a song that, uh, deals with the possible variations on a basic theme which is . . . well, you understand what the basic theme is. And then the variations include, uh, manoeuvres that might be executed with the aid of, uh, extra-terrestrial gratification and devices which might or might not be supplied in a local department store or perhaps a drugstore but at very least in one of those fancy new shops that they advertise in the back-pages of the free press. This song suggests to the suggestible listener that the ordinary procedure, uh, that I'm circumlocuting at this present time in order to get this text on television, is that, uh, if you wanna do something other than what you thought you were gonna do when you first took your clothes off and you just happened to have some DEVICES around . . . then it's, it's not only okay to get into the PARAPHERNALIA of it all but . . . hey! What did he say? Ready? She's just like a Penguin in Bondage, boy Oh yeah, Oh yeah, Oh . . . Rennenhenninnahenninnenninahennn Way over on the wet side Of the bed (Knirps for moisture) Just like the mighty Penguin Flappin' her eight ounce wings (The Penguin Flap) Lord, you know it's all over If she come atcha on the strut & wrap 'em all around yer head Flappin' her eight ounce wings, flappinumm She's just like a Penguin in Bondage, boy Shake up the pale-dry Ginger ale Tremblin' like a Penguin When the battery fail Lord, you must be havin' her jumpin' through a hoopa real fire With some Kleenex wrapped around a coat-hang wire She's just like a Penguin in Bondage, boy Oh yeah, Oh yeah, Oh . . . Rennenhenninnahenninneninahenn Howlin' over to some Antarcticulated moon In the frostbite nite With her flaps gone white Shriekin' as she spot the hoop across the room (Everytime she sees the hoop) You know it must be a Penguin bound down If you hear that terrible screamin' and there ain't no other Birds around She's just like a Penguin in Bondage, boy Oh yeah, Oh yeah, Oh . . . She's just like a Penguin in Bondage, boy Oh yeah, Oh yeah, Oh . . . Rennenhenninnahenninneninahennnn Aw, you must be careful Not to leave her straps TOO LOOSE 'Cause she just might box yer dog She just might box yer doggie An' leave you a dried-up dog biscuit . . . NORTON IS GOD | ||||
| Grizzly When I hibernate my cave doubles as a dutch oven. DON'T PANIC | posted on 07-03-2002 @ 6:57 PM | | |||
| Psychopath Registered: Jan. 01 | GARY KELLGREN: He is working the controls because all he does is love to turn knobs . . . They think it is the way they can create . . . I wonder what everyone else is whispering about . . . Backwards: Better look around before you say you don't care Shut your fucking mouth about the length of my hair How would you survive If you were alive Shitty little person? NORTON IS GOD Aw, I knew you'd be surprised! | ||||
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